how do I get over him

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
how do I get over him
4
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 10:55pm
I posted in July about a man I was seeing and have known for 8 years (I am divorced 2 years from an emotionally abusive and detach cop and he is waiting for his divorce to be final and he has continued to see his NY friend. He has been seeing her as a "friend for about a year. I told him I couldn't see him anymore because of the way his relationship with his so-called NY friend was going but email and phone calls would be OK and he did call a couple of times. I decided it was time to clear the air and discuss things face to face. I was very clear on why I couldn't see him anymore. His relationship with her, wining and dining her, concerts etc. made me feel like I was not good enough. He has been nursing a bad leg from a fall 7 weeks ago and I asked him to meet me 5 minutes from his house at a barn where we line danced a couple of times. He said he couldn't do it because of his leg etc. The next day he went to NY for 4 days-4 hour train ride and then a bus ride with a suitcase and walking with a suitcase to her apartment which he must have a key for. He emailed me today to let me know he was away and that is where he goes to escape reality. He has no job, unemployment runs out and still he goes up there, not sure where the money comes from. He insists they are just friends, he can not see any one exclusively right now but I think a 4 hour train ride to NY every week is as close to exclusive as you can get and I told him that. I told him that I could not be friends with someone who is not honest with me. He is still sober I guess but his 2nd DUI hearing is coming up on the 24th and I don't think it will go well. I got an email from him later tonight after I emailed him and told him that I didn't believe him about the exclusivity and this is what he had to say-
I'm really so sorry that your self-defeating negativism keeps haunting you and presenting itself so often, as to your feelings about yourself. You are a great person, if only YOU could believe it in yourself, and not rely on the thoughts and feelings of others to make you whole as a person. The only way any of us can accomplish this is through ourselves first, then we can offer to others.
This is interesting isn't it? I believe he brings this out in me if it is true. Just a few months ago he told me the negativism was gone and that I could be the one he could spend the rest of his life with if he would be ready.
I do have to get him out of my mind as he is not good for me even though we have been good friends but I think it was all fake on his part and I don't know what is true and what isn't. Can anybody give me advice on how to get over him-he is a very nice guy and we had a lot of fun together but I couldn't get out of my mind the other woman when I was with him. Claims he doesn't kiss and tell but he has to be sleeping with her-he is the kind of guy that needs sex which he doesn't get fromme anymore and only twice. I am just so afraid at my age-56-I will be spending the rest of my life alone as I work hard and don't have ways of meeting new people. Do I need therapy? If it were not for his alcohol problem and I do believe a cheater, he would be a perfect match for me and I am afraid I will not find anyone so close to my likes and dislikes. Can anyone help me?
Teach
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 1:08am
What's wrong with you?!Why are you allowing this creep to do this to you?! I know the answer...you LOVE him.well he doesn;t love you because if he did...he wouldn't be going to this 'friend'in NY..or lying to you.He doesn't appreciate you!!!You deserve so much better!!Life is too short!!!
Why don't you try e-harmony web site.I hear that its a nice dating site.You're only 56.That's not old at all.Why don't you try to join a social group or try to interact with close friends more.That's what I'm doing now.My bf broke up with me this Friday.He was getting to the point where he was insulting me off and on and he thought that I didn;t have a thick skin to put up with his insults!!! He loses over all because women with a strong personality will NEVER want to be with a guy like him.I really did love him too BUT no one deserves to be talked down to or treated badly.
Please try to move on.It will hurt.Sorry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:21pm

Hi teach1222.


You might want to follow the link in my siggy below to the Breaking up is Hard to do board here at iVillage.


He's not going to get rid of the other woman, stop lying or cheating just to magically turn into the guy you want him to be, to be the perfect relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 8:33am
How is my telling him the truth about how spending so much time with the other women in NY that he sees every week for days at a time whiloe telling me he is not seeing anyone exclusively and can't at the present time make me a "self detructive negative" person. I was just being honest telling him how it made me feel. If he is dating me, which is more like hanging out, I just let him know how his telling me about his fancy dinner with her, concerts, dinner parties etc. in NY make me feel like I am not good enough for the same treatment. It is the truth but he is telling me that makes me a negative person. Just a few months ago he told me how I have become such a positive person. He says he wants to see me but then can't because he is going up there making excuses about how his leg hurts etc. and then points out the problem is me. I am told by my teaching supervisors I am one of the most positive teachers they know. All thtough my 2 year divorce proceedings, nobody knew it was going on and did not reflect in the work place. This guy and I had a great friendship, great communication early on then he started becoming evasive and secretive just like my x. The trips to NY seem to be excape from the reality of his alcoholic recovering life which he claimed I was such a great support for. I was in contact daily when he was in rehab, visited once a week. I was there for him. He claims this gal is just a friend and because I don't believe it that, I am the bad negative person. I do know that when he goes to court this month and things turn out bad for him, she will not be there. When he showed up drunk to pick her up at the train station when she came to visit, she turned around and went right back to NY. He also lost a job that weekend and who did he call? Me. I was there for him as a friend to talk. I look at it this way. He no longer needs me as a friend or wants me as a friend so therefore he tells me I am allowing my self destructive negativism show and that I can't feel good about myself without others telling me I rely on the thoughts and fellings of others to make me a whole person. Just a few months ago he told me how positive I am. Now a complete turn around. He is a recovering alcoholic, lost both of his jobs and has no regular income and has made no attempt to find a job because he claims if things don't ge well with the DUI hearing and he loses his job he will have to quit anyway. Why did he have to tell me about all the wining and dining he did and does in NY with his "friends" up there-her friends. I just told him how it made me feel and when would it be my turn for a fancy dinner. My being honest which is what he asked for and used to be honest with me about my faults, now that makes me a negative person. Is he just a coward and that is why he refuses to meet me face to face to clear the air and have closure? I need help understanding all this and hopefully to believe that I am not this person he tells me I am. He met this lady on match.com a year ago, hase removed his profile and she has removed hers. She claims she wants companionship and he is not looking for someone to be exclusive with now but I could be the one if he were ready and after he gets through the legal mess. His past as far as what he has told me has been-affair with college students while married to his first wife, married his second wife twice and she left him 8-10 times. Claims he could commit to one person if he found the right one. Is he using this poor woman in NY? She is an attorney and is also physically handicapped somewhat from a car accident. I know this is not the guy for me but I have very strong feelings for him that will prevent me from finding a person who truly treats me special. He says all the right things but only because he want in my pants. I think he is getting plenty in NY. He did tell me they had sex "without" penetration but that tghey are only friends and it can't go beyond that and their friendship is platonic. He has lied before about his drinking 5 minutes before they put the cuffs on him. I feel sorry for what his life has become but I don't want to feel like I am theone with the problem but I miss having someone to hang out with but that was slowly dwindling as well.
Teach
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 12:03pm

::How is my telling him the truth about how spending so much time with the other women in NY that he sees every week for days at a time whiloe telling me he is not seeing anyone exclusively and can't at the present time make me a "self detructive negative" person.


It doesn't. He's turning this around on you to make you wrong.