How do I get through this?

Avatar for dianeli
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
How do I get through this?
3
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 4:44pm
I've been married almost 10 years (end of April). In November we (DH, our two children, and I) spent some time with his family in South Africa (where he's from). While we were there he bumped into the parents of an x-girlfriend, someone he dated 13 years ago. Ever since then, he has been obsessing about her. And I mean truly obsessing -- he has obsessive-compulsive disorder. This obsession has pretty much taken over every moment of his life. About a month ago, he went to California on a business trip. While he was there, he started emailing this other woman. She is recently divorced. In these emails he basically told her that he loved her and was in agony because she was alone and unhappy, and that he wished they had never broken up and he married to her now. She told him that she has never stopped thinking of him and that he was "her prince" who she had let slip away 13 years ago. Then she said, "but I don't want to come between you and your wife."

One odd thing about all this is that DH is completely (sometimes too completely) honest with me, so he showed me all these emails. I was pretty upset, and asked if he really meant what he'd told her, and who he really wanted to be with. At this point, he has decided that maybe he really wants to be with her, but he's married to me and is willing to do whatever he has to do to make this work. He says his feelings for her don't detract in any way from his feelings for me.

I love my husband very much, and I don't want to lose him. At the same time, this is almost more than I can handle. I just keep hoping that he'll get over this obsession. I mean, we were together for 10 years without this being a problem, surely it might fade away? We have been to counseling, and DH has changed medication to try to control the OCD better. If anyone has any advice to help me get through this, I would really appreciate it!

Update: DH and I had a long talk last night. He said he loves her, and he always will love her. Am I supposed to just accept this? And if so, how do I do it? He said that he has realized he's been telling himself he loves me for the past 10 years, and has said it so much that he's come to believe it, but that it's not real. And that I've been manipulating him all this time, and that is why he's been so unhappy. So he wants me to stop manipulating him, to let him be himself, and that maybe then he can learn to love me. I haven't been able to stop crying for hours, and I don't know what to do. He's not leaving, but he's basically told me that the last 10 years of my life have been a lie. This pain is unbearable.


Edited 3/11/2004 12:31 pm ET ET by dianeli

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 5:32pm
How sad for you. A medication change is good....consider going back to cousneling to add support to you for what you are feeling.

The grass is not greener and if he ever got what he thinks he wants, it wouldn't turn out like he thinks it will.

I hope someone else has better advice.


Carrie

Avatar for dianeli
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:33pm
Thanks for your support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:57pm

Its unfortuante that your husband thinks that it is somehow fair to expect you to watch this happen and do nothing, or worse yet, accept it. If he feels like he loves this woman...always has, always will, then you need to decide if knowing you are second best is something you can live with..


Whats also sas is the way he thinks that this isnt going to disrupt your lives...like it already hasnt!~~


I understand that children are involved and that you want to make things work, but at the same time- at what price???Your happiness?Your children?I think you know what needs to be done and I hope you know that you have plenty of people here standing behind you, lending support.


Best wishes and Good luck,