How do I get through to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
How do I get through to him?
2
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:44pm
Dh and I have been together for almost five years, and he was the perfect mate till we had our first son (who is now two). He is a good dad, but has become a horrible husband. When I met and married him he was affectionate, and comforting, and made me feel special, and I knew without a doubt that he loved me. I understand that the honeymoon is over and I dont expect candy and roses on a regular basis, but I feel like I am here to raise the kids, do the housework, and take care of his "needs" from time to time. The extent of his affection is a peck on the cheek when he leaves and comes home from work, occasionally one before bed, and a quick phone call at lunch. When I pointed this out to him his response was, "well I dont have to call." The only time he touches me is when he wants to have sex. His favorite trick is this, he offeres a back rub, and if I accept, its 30 seconds on my back and then he's groping me. If I say something later then he has the defense that he did actually rub my back and I'm just looking for something to argue about. He has lost all sense of manners, and we have become more like roomates. I am really angry at him for not treating me the way I feel like I deserve, however he dosent see anything wrong since he is not blatently being mean. I am angry at myself for putting up with it. I am just not myself anymore. I used to be happy, and energetic, and fun, we both did.

We definately have different ways of dealing with problems. His way is to ignore it and for us each to "get over it." That just dosent work for me. I have tried everything I can think of. No matter how calmly I approach a problem, he gets defensive. I've tried the "I" instead of "you" technique, time-outs, doing something nice for him every day, you name it. We got to the point that we were arguing all the time, and I would get all these promises...empty promises, and nothing would ever change. I finally got tired of hoping for a change, so I gave up and decided to try things his way. The up side is that now we only argue about once a month, the down side, the arguements are huge blow ups because all the little things that I have ignored (aka held inside) eventually come to a roaring boil. I blow off my steam, he gets mad at me for getting my feelings hurt, I cry, he eventually hugs me (with a big sigh), makes an empty promise, and goes to bed. It's a very predictable cycle. I did realize last night, and he agreed, that he dosent know how to comfort me. I dont know how to help him.

I guess my question is this, what do I try next? I am not willing to give up on my marriage yet, but I just cannot stand being so emotionally disconnected. I have made changes in myself, and I will continue to make changes (because obviously the changes I made dont work for me). He says he loves me, and sure I believe him, I dont feel it all the time, but I do believe him. So how do I get him to make an effort, how do I get through to him? ANY advice would be wonderful. TIA

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 12:04am
It is time for marriage counseling. Your child does not need to grow up learning about how to treat others and be treated by observing this dysfunctional relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 3:02pm
Hi "M", not sure if this will help, just felt compelled to write to you because your story reminds me so much of what I have been dealing with too, & just reading your message helps me know that it is not something I am doing or not doing, but rather it is a type of man that is very hard to connect with emotionally. I have been with my boyfriend / partner for over five years as well. We lived together for a few of those years, so like being married. Again, your story is mine too. I appreciate you sharing it becuase it really does make me feel better. I blamed myself most of the time for our problems, & tried everything I could think of to avoid / fix them, mainly him getting mad at me for wanting to Talk about an issue or problem, Or..me wanting more support when dealing with something etc. After a year living apart from him I have come to accept that it is he who seems to be incapable of relating emotionally. Maybe I did not want to accept this, because I love him & want things to work out (or wanted them..?) between us. He too has the "get over it" attitude about probelms & things. We too started arguing alot anytime something really needed to be discussed, we too had our "cycles" that would just repeat themselves but never really change.

Well, here is the "advice" section of my reply to you..(hope I have not bored you by now.?). Your husband needs counseling. Period. I feel I have become somewhat of a "student" of these types of men because I have tried so hard to understand "mine"!! Like Ms. Shoshana (Is that her name?? the author of "What He Cannot Tell You, but Needs To Say.."?) says, alot of men do not know HOW to connect emotionally. I think that that is the case with both your husband & my "boyfriend". They get upset (in my opinion) when we expect or want them to, because it makes them feel so inadequate. Their male ego "tells" them that they are not "allowed" to feel "inadequate" / vulnerable, so their imediate response will be to argue & fight / defend themselves. I have had so many exhausting & sad arguments with him, they lead most of the time nowhere & I end up feeling worse & even bad about myself. But..I have developed a level of compassion for him too. Think how bad it would feel not to be able to have access to your feelings?? I feel really bad for men like this, in a way they are like abused kids, emotionally abused.

It sounds like maybe your husband may be open enough to consider getting help. I have found with my boyfriend, that by wording it right, I have been able to at least get him to be open to the idea too! It has been like hauling a boulder up a mountain though to get to that point! The main way I have gotten him open to it is pointing out how much happier he will be as a person, when he is able to feel his feelings. I have just said this staight out, when the time was right. Also, that I have said alot that I want to be in counseling too.

The male ego (the kind your husband has) will resist the idea of therapy if it sees it as something that says there is something Wrong with him..if you point out, that it is something everyone can benefit from, that is is just like having someone to really talk to, that it is actually (in my opinion..) a Luxury! etc..he may be more receptive to it.

I have told my boyfriend that I believe he needs therapy, that I do too, & that we should see someone together too.

Well, Take care! :)