How do I get through to him?
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| Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:44pm |
We definately have different ways of dealing with problems. His way is to ignore it and for us each to "get over it." That just dosent work for me. I have tried everything I can think of. No matter how calmly I approach a problem, he gets defensive. I've tried the "I" instead of "you" technique, time-outs, doing something nice for him every day, you name it. We got to the point that we were arguing all the time, and I would get all these promises...empty promises, and nothing would ever change. I finally got tired of hoping for a change, so I gave up and decided to try things his way. The up side is that now we only argue about once a month, the down side, the arguements are huge blow ups because all the little things that I have ignored (aka held inside) eventually come to a roaring boil. I blow off my steam, he gets mad at me for getting my feelings hurt, I cry, he eventually hugs me (with a big sigh), makes an empty promise, and goes to bed. It's a very predictable cycle. I did realize last night, and he agreed, that he dosent know how to comfort me. I dont know how to help him.
I guess my question is this, what do I try next? I am not willing to give up on my marriage yet, but I just cannot stand being so emotionally disconnected. I have made changes in myself, and I will continue to make changes (because obviously the changes I made dont work for me). He says he loves me, and sure I believe him, I dont feel it all the time, but I do believe him. So how do I get him to make an effort, how do I get through to him? ANY advice would be wonderful. TIA
M

Well, here is the "advice" section of my reply to you..(hope I have not bored you by now.?). Your husband needs counseling. Period. I feel I have become somewhat of a "student" of these types of men because I have tried so hard to understand "mine"!! Like Ms. Shoshana (Is that her name?? the author of "What He Cannot Tell You, but Needs To Say.."?) says, alot of men do not know HOW to connect emotionally. I think that that is the case with both your husband & my "boyfriend". They get upset (in my opinion) when we expect or want them to, because it makes them feel so inadequate. Their male ego "tells" them that they are not "allowed" to feel "inadequate" / vulnerable, so their imediate response will be to argue & fight / defend themselves. I have had so many exhausting & sad arguments with him, they lead most of the time nowhere & I end up feeling worse & even bad about myself. But..I have developed a level of compassion for him too. Think how bad it would feel not to be able to have access to your feelings?? I feel really bad for men like this, in a way they are like abused kids, emotionally abused.
It sounds like maybe your husband may be open enough to consider getting help. I have found with my boyfriend, that by wording it right, I have been able to at least get him to be open to the idea too! It has been like hauling a boulder up a mountain though to get to that point! The main way I have gotten him open to it is pointing out how much happier he will be as a person, when he is able to feel his feelings. I have just said this staight out, when the time was right. Also, that I have said alot that I want to be in counseling too.
The male ego (the kind your husband has) will resist the idea of therapy if it sees it as something that says there is something Wrong with him..if you point out, that it is something everyone can benefit from, that is is just like having someone to really talk to, that it is actually (in my opinion..) a Luxury! etc..he may be more receptive to it.
I have told my boyfriend that I believe he needs therapy, that I do too, & that we should see someone together too.
Well, Take care! :)