How do I handle this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
How do I handle this?
3
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 11:53am

To begin with I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We do not live together and we are not planning on that or on marriage for at least another 2 years because I feel that relationships are hard enough, then to add teenage children to that makes it harder on us and the children. 3 years ago he broke up with me because he said I pushed the marriage thing too much (which was true) and he said I didn't cook and clean enough for him. My youngest daughter has since come to live with me, thats why I decided not to push the marriage thing because I wanted to help her settle in with me and give her some time to adjust.

I don't get along with his sister very much, but I try. I don't insult her or anything and I don't talk bad about her to my BF because it is his sister. However, she is jealous of me because she lives 4 houses down from him and she doesn't like the fact that his kids call me mom. She feels that when his ex wife left him she raised his kids, which she did help me for about 3 years. He has been divorced for 15 years now. We are both in our 40's. Anyways, his sister likes to tease me a lot (I figure because she is jealous), I try not to let it get to me. This past Friday, however, she was teasing me that I am lazy and that I don't cook and clean enough for him. He got in on the teasing and that upset me. I got mad and I said, "I don't see a wedding ring on this finger." I told him it hurts me when she does this, especially since she always does it when he has other family members around and he doesn't stand up to her for me. He told me to ignore her or to stand up to her myself. Yesterday we had a graduation party to go to for his nephew. There were about 200 family members there. Granted he can't introduce me to everyone, but he could make an effort to introduce me to some people, which he didn't do. He introduced me to one person, but just as "this is Dani", he didn't say I was his girlfriend or anything. Then when he went to get some food his sister started in again and was laughing telling his aunts and uncles that he had to get some food because I am lazy and I don't cook for him. I had had it and decided to go outside and have a cigaratte. I was out there for about a half an hour, then he came out and said that I had embarrassed him and that I should be in there supporting him. I went in with him, but then I told him I didn't appreciate his sister making those comments again.

Also during this time he found a friend on myspace from high school. An old female friend who is going through a divorce. They began emailing each other every day and she would say things to him to make him feel negatively about relationships. I told him to be careful and that I didn't appreciate him emailing her and then discussing us. I told him that as a woman she is vulnerable right now and looking for companionship.

This morning we talked on the phone and he got mad at me and told me that if I ever embarrassed him like that again that he would break up with me in a heart beat. I told him I went outside because of what his sister was saying. I told him I would work on supporting him, but at the same time I needed him to work on supporting me. Then he got mad and said that I accused him of having an affair with this friend he is emailing. I told him I did not do that, I just had said to be careful, I trust him, but I don't trust this girl.

On top of it all, his ex wife has been in town for a few days for his sons high school graduation.

Is he looking for an excuse to break up or is he just upset because of everything else going on? Any opinions from any men out there would be helpful.

Thanks,
Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 1:54pm

Welcome to the board Dani,


If you don't live together and you are not married, than why should you cook and clean for him? That is not your job.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 3:03pm
I think your instinct is telling you that he doesn't care enough for you to a) acknowledge that you have a special relationship in front of everyone; b) stand up to his sister and tell her to back off; and 3) treat you with love, dignity and respect as a guest in his home without the expectation that you clean his house and cook his meals. That's nuts, if you ask me. He sounds very egocentric and arrogant, and he obviously thinks you need him way more than he needs you.
Let his sister clean the house and cook. Find someone that treats you better!!!

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 9:15pm

I'm not a man but seriously, why are you afraid he's going to break up with you? He doesn't respect you. He treats you like a servant - you don't cook or clean for him - are you kidding me? The next time he or his sister start up with their crap tell them what a couple of twisted freaks they are. Even if you were married it would not be your job to cook or clean for him. Their behavior is abusive and disrespectful and I have never known a healthy relationship where the man allows his family to abuse his wife or girlfriend!~

Take a good hard look at what you are putting up with here. You may need counseling to work through it because you appear to be blind to what is happening. You are being disrespected, controled and manipulated!