How do I just relax, stop worrying, and enjoy my relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
How do I just relax, stop worrying, and enjoy my relationship?
6
Fri, 12-06-2013 - 8:36pm

Hi everyone,

Do you guys have any advice on how I can just relax and enjoy my relationship? 

This may sound like the oddest thing in the world, but everything is going so well that I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We have been together for almost a year, spend tons of time together, and never have fought (some minor disagreements naturally but we both are quick to resolve and apologize). The more and more I get to know him the more I feel that I have finally met "the one" - which is something he reciprocates. And the happier I get the more nervous I also get about loosing him. I don't think he will cheat on me in any way. My paranoia is more around one of us getting into an accident and dying, or me getting some condition that renders me unable to have kids, or that one of my std tests that I took before we started going out was actually wrong in it's results (they came back negative for everything) and I have accidently given him some horrible disease and he'll think I cheated. 

I know that such concerns are massivly unwarrented and just me being scared. My younger brother passed away unexpectly last year so some of it may just be sensitivity to that.

Has anyone else gone through this? How do I just relax and accept that maybe this time I actually found a keeper?

If any of you have any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I don't want my worries to start to manifest themselves in my relationship and ruin a good thing.

Thanks so much for listening and thanks in advance for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

Think of it this way............All the worrying in the world will not prevent some terrible thing from happening.  You are wasting your life worrying about an imaginary situation........which will most likely NEVER happen.  But, if a bad thing does happen, you will deal with it THEN.  We all have losses........we all have situations......but what good does it do you to be uptight because something MIGHT happen?  If you're not relaxed and enjoying your relationship, it will be obvious, and he'll pick up on it.  Then HE will get all uptight wondering what's wrong!  There are a million things that everyone can worry about......maybe North Korea will send nulear missiles here.......are you going to worry about that too?  There may be an earthquake or a volcano erupt near you.  Are you going to worry about that?  STOP wasting your life worrying about what IF.........and enjoy every moment of your life.....worrying gives you wrinkles, too.  IF something bad happens, then you will deal with it......but not until that time. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
Thank you Fissatore for your sound advice. Your comment about North Korea made me laugh because it made me realize how ridiculous I am being. Everything you said made total sense and, while I think it's one of those easier said than done things, I am going to try my best to just relax and enjoy what I have. You are right - there are so many bad things that can happen 88+% of them probably totally out of my control so what is the real point of stressing. If you (or anyone reading this) know of any good meditation techniques, or tips for focusing on the positive please let me know. Thanks again and hope you have a great weekend :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I read something in Oprah magazine once that stuck with me and I'm really paraphrazing here--she interviewed the Buddhist Monk Thich Nat Hanh and he said how worry is really useless--he said if it's something you can do something about, then don't worry--do something, and if it's something that you can't do anything about, then worrying isn't going to change it, so it's still a waste of time.  The thing is that everyone has problems but you don't know what they are going to be.  I'm middle aged and no adult that I know hasn't gone through life without problems--either parents died, someone gets sick, financial problems, etc.  The hope is that you will have a good partner so when you go through the inevitable problems, you have someone there where you can support each other and get through things together.  But since you don't know what those problems will be, isn't is a lot better to enjoy the good times while you have them instead of worrying about what might happen?  I'm sure there are some books about meditation and worrying that you could get that would help you.  Generally I am not a worrier and maybe that's because I have been through a lot of stuff (2 divorces, financial problems, luckily no major health problems for myself or kids) and maybe since I survived all that, now I tend to just focus on the present.  I think being "in the moment" really helps a lot with not getting carried away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I'm glad I helped you.  You're welcome!  I don't know any meditation techniques at all.  I do focus on the positive......because I know it's futile to focus on the negative!  If you think about life......people get killed in horrible accidents every day, but does that stop you from getting in a car and going somewhere?  Of course not!  The same goes for airplanes!  People go to the doctor and get a diagnosis of cancer, or some other terrible thing......does that stop you from getting an annual physical?  Here's a perfect example:  Several years ago I got my annual mammogram, and the next day I got a phone call that they saw something suspicious, and I had to go back for what they called a "deep compression" mammogram.  My heart fell!  There was a possibility that I had breast cancer, and also that "deep compression" thing sounded painful.....a regular one is uncomfortable enough.  Unfortunately, they couldn't get me in for two weeks......(at that point I said that I bet if I was a Doctor's wife, I'd get in the same day!).  So I had two weeks to THINK......and after the first day, I decided that i would NOT think about it.  Chances were that it would be nothing, but I was very aware that it COULD be cancer.  Would it change the results if I cried for two weeks?  NO!  By the end of the first week I was joking with a friend......."IF it's cancer, and IF I have to have chemo and go bald, I will NOT wear a wig, because they're ugly!"  The two weeks went by very slowly, too......and finally the day came.  The "deep compression" was no worse than any other mammogram I'd ever had.  The results were given to me right away, because there was a possibility that they'd want more pictures.  Thankfully, it turned out to be nothing!  Now tell me, given the rate of breast cancer........what good would hit have done me to cry and/or carry on for those two weeks?  I decided right away, I either had it or I didn't.  If I did, when I got the official diagnosis, I would then deal with it.......but I wasn't going to waste those two weeks crying!  That's what I mean when I say worrying is just wasting your time, and in addition, it's taking you away from the pleasures you should be having.  Each day is a gift, and I choose to enjoy it as much as possible!  I'm almost 80 years old, I've had some medical and physical problems, but I'm still walking and talking and driving, and enjoying the company of my friends......and hopefully not TMI......still enjoying sex w/my 80 year old partner!  I am fully aware that at my age,  when I go to bed at night, I might not wake up the next morning......so I live each day in the best and happiest way I can.  YOu know the old saying:  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.......well, I choose to live that........and not think that it might the last day of my life.......if it is, I will have no regrets, for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
Thank you musiclover12 for your advice. The thought that there's no sense in worrying about problems that are undefined and one has no control over hit's home. While it is easier said than done for me I will try to remind myself about that. I hope things go smoothly for you and thanks a lot for your kind words. Here's to not getting carried away :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2011
Thank you fissatore for your additional response as well. Your story brought me to tears. I am so glad that you are ok and that you are enjoying every aspect of life (that wasn't TMI :)) into your 80s. I am only 30, but I hope when I am 80 I am enjoying life to the fullest as you are! I hope that you have many more happy years and happy days ahead. I will try to keep it positive!