How do I keep him around?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2008
How do I keep him around?
1
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 2:59pm

Recently, I met a guy on a study abroad from my school. I wasn't expecting to hit it off with anybody, but to my surprise we did. Almost everything about him just rocks me. I had previously lost hope in finding a guy like this (not to say he's 100% perfecto, but the good severely outweighs the negative). The only problem is that I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of crashing and burning. Before we had any discussion of starting a relationship, though we had already kissed, I almost ruined things by dancing with another guy at club. But he managed to give me another chance, about a week later. This came about with the help of alcohol. Maybe not the best decision, but the night was capped with sex (very good sex at that). However, his attitude while sober still expresses interest. In the following weeks of this trip, we continued to be sexually active. He told me that he's never had a one night stand, but I couldn't help but worry that it was only casual sex since we still had not discussed being in a relationship. Near the end of our time together, I asked if this all meant we were in a relationship. He said, "Yeah, I think so." and that was the end of the talk. Should I be worried that he didn't want to say more about it?

Anyways, we are parted for the Summer, and he's really busy back home (which I know is not just an excuse to put me aside but the truth). In that time, I managed to do some damage to his car (long story short, I dropped him off at the airport and hit a meta divider on the way back). I took it in to get the majority of it fixed. But because he's so busy, I didn't tell him right away. I wanted to tell him over the phone (but once again honest complications arose there and I finally gave up hoping to call him and just told him in an email. When he responded to the email, he said he didn't know what to think, didn't want to think about it now, and questioned me for taking so long to tell him. He said we'd talk when he gets back on campus. Do you think he's getting ready to go? I'm just wondering if his "we'll talk" is similar to the "we need to talk" cliche.

These things aside, I've been trying to be the best girlfriend I can, not because I don't want him to see the bad side of me, but because I think he deserves the absolute best I can give. But is helping him pack his stuff (to move out of his apartment for the summer) and taking his car back from the airport trying too hard? I also keep contact much more than his does, but he's extremely busy. Is sending an email every 3rd or 4th day too much? Is there a line drawn for how many compliments you should give? Or the kind? I usually speak out what's on my mind and find myself complimenting him quite often. I'm a little on the clingy side (though I have passions aside from being in the relationship and don't consider myself the kind of girl that wants to be in a relationship more than understanding the man she's with). This guy really seems like a keeper - gives undivided attention, knows when and how to be a gentleman, always treats me (and others) with care (even in situations in which other men might have not), successful, driven but fun, isn't trying to change me, etc. I just want to know before it becomes too late how to keep him around.

Also, there is a bit of an age gap between us (he's almost 30, and I'm about 8 years younger), my friend said that he may be interested in picking things up quickly given his age and background (Indian). Do you think that she could be right about that or that as a man the fear of commitment would outweigh? General tips to the more specific are all welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 07-25-2008 - 3:41pm

First, you really should get the car entirely fixed, not the majority of it... You really do owe him that.

"He said we'd talk when he gets back on campus. Do you think he's getting ready to go?"
I don't know. If anything, it sounds as though this is a conversation he'd rather have face to face. Maybe he's not thrilled about the long distance thing.

"But is helping him pack his stuff (to move out of his apartment for the summer) and taking his car back from the airport trying too hard?"
No that sounds pretty normal.

I don't really know what else to say. To be perfectly frank, I don't think you know this guy at all. When you really know someone, you just don't feel this dire need to know exactly how many Emails to send him or what to do in order to not scare him away. Sounds like you're really walking on eggshells because you want him to like you. Why can't you just be yourself?

"I also keep contact much more than his does, but he's extremely busy"
You also probably like him more than he likes you. Contact him as often as he responds and no more.

"I'm a little on the clingy side"
Be careful with this. If you think the word "clingy" describes you to any degree, I can honestly say that your Girlfriend Attractiveness Factor (heretofore known as GAF) goes way, way down.

Since you asked my opinion I will say that this "relationship" (or whatever it is), from my perspective, looks too forced from your end and too effortless on his. I don't want to knock your hopes down but even though he said he "thinks" you're in a relationship, you're not really a big priority to him at the moment.

It seems there is a lot to be established yet. Dial back the clinginess to 0% and your chances will increase. I can't read his mind but I do hope that he wants to continue getting to know you and date you.