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| Tue, 05-06-2008 - 3:24pm |
I need some direction/advice. Im not really looking for anyone to defend my position but to give me your honest thoughts on this because sometimes its easier to see things from the outside.
I am 21, still in college. Was with my bf for over 3 years. In our 2nd year, he had a ONS- never saw the girl again and we worked thru the issue (or so I thought) and I am sure it would not happen again, I think we both matured a lot from that. We reconciled for a while and then I just had to get out. I dont know if I was afraid of being hurt again, or if there was some lingering doubts being in college and an hour apart or what. That was about 8 months ago and he has never wanted a break up. Not the first time or this time.
What I feel now is that I dont feel the same way because of what has happened in the past- yet I know deep down that he is so sorry for our problems and he is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I understand why I am not willing to put effort in right now because I just can't do it and I dont want to be hurt.
maybe I'm running away. I know relationships take work. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I am also very aware that he is a thoughtful, wonderful person (lets put that indiscretion away- it was 2 years ago) and maybe I am a fool. Maybe once I get out there, I am going to find that there are plenty of nice guys, but no one that I once had a connection wtih like him.
I know that if I was to work at this relationship, we could make it work. But i can't do that unless we are not long distance, which is 18 mos away. I can't ask him to wait for me because I dont even know how i'll feel then. I know i have to go with what I feel now but something nags very deeply at me that I am letting a very wonderful thing walk out of my life and I may really regret it
sorry for the length, please dont tell me Im young and there are plenty of guys out there. I know that. I need to know HOW do I know that walking away is the RIGHT THING TO DO?
thanks

The fact of the matter is that once someone has been betrayed by cheating things are not the same anymore.
Thanks snafu....
the thing is I dont know if Im better off without him, but I'm doing fine without him. I will never defend his actions, but after time has gone on I can say with all honesty that immaturity was the whole issue. He had gone off to his first semester of college and had too many oppoturtunities and was not able to handle his decision making. He is a different person in that regard, after what has happened.
I am afraid that I may be giving up something wonderful that I may regret, yet I dont think I have the energy to make this work since we're long distance. Am I just lazy? Is it over for me? My heart breaks knowing how hurt he is that he is willing to put in the time and Im not. Maybe in the long run I WONT be better off without him. I guess I have no crystal ball and whatever decision I make, I have made my future and I have to live with it. I just not 100% its the right one :(
Hi lovergrl18,
Hmm, are all these posts about the same guy/relationship:
I've got a problem
how do i react?
Ever wait for the bottom to fall out?
Insecurity
What do you think?
What snafu2007 said about the relationship never being the same after betrayal or cheating is involved is true. If the couple doesn't go to counseling to heal the betrayal and rebuild the trust, the relationship usually never gets better.
Have you read: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis ?
Yes that would be him
He just isn't giving up..and Im not really having second thoughts. But im having future thoughts because he is so willing to work at this. I see changes in him, even though they are likely too late for us. I can't try now, but I feel like he got molded and matured thru his mistakes, for the next person- and maybe that hurts a little. Like we met too young. And all he wants is that person to be me. I find myself with thoughts of would I be a fool because once we've both finished growing and maturing, things could be very different.
I know the answer is to stick with my decision because that is how I feel now. How do you stop the thoughts of future regret. All of this still hurts because it never should have happened, he messed up, he has tried to make it right and I can't accept it. I guess I feel guilty because I can't accept it
"I can't try now, but I feel like he got molded and matured thru his mistakes, for the next person- and maybe that hurts a little."
Dont you just hate that?
Honestly, I feel that I am beyond the betrayal. It happened so long ago, but what Im dealing with now is different feelings BECAUSE of the betrayal. I just dont want to get hurt again and although I do think he is 100% sincere that he would not hurt me again, I just can't take the chance. At least not now.
It really hurts me to see him struggling so hard. I realize he made the bed he is in, but we were always close and i still care for him, but I can't be in a real relationship with him. I know I need to let him move on for someone else, its the right thing to do- but when he doesn't want to do it and its so hard for him, it does cross my mind that maybe its a sign I'm making a mistake. I also can't even imagine the day I hear he has found someone else- does that make me selfish too?
I hoped if it was the "right thing to do" this wouldnt be so damn difficult