How do I let go of the past??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
How do I let go of the past??
9
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 4:27pm
Well I'll start from the beginning. Steven and I met in July of 02 hit it off right from the start. In Nov of 02 moved in together. He was in jail shortly after for about 40 days. While he was in jail I slept with my ex I told him about it the next day. He was really upset and told me that when he got out he would decide whether he could stay with me or not.Oh also prior to that before we were an official couple he was sleeping with his ex and lying to me about it and told me about it the day we moved in together and thats partly why I was hurt enough to be with my ex. I dont think I did it because of that but it had a part. So after he got out of jail we both agreed that we were both wrong and hurt each other and decided to move forward. Well come to find out about 2 weeks later he went and slept with his ex again for "revenge" on me. He did tell me immediately. Said he regretted it afterward and seemed truly sorry. Well we moved on from that. During the next year I was really unsure of whether I wanted to be with him or not and we would break up for a day or two several times in the year and I admitted to him that I still had feelings for my ex. Told him that I did not want to be with ex just he wasn't completely out of my head. So come February of 2004 He gets a strange phone number on his phone and erases it and the message before either of us could hear it. Somehow I remembered the # and called it right back. A woman answered, I asked her who she was and why she was calling my b/f. So to break this down I found out that he was having a purely sexual relationship with her for the past 8 months (since july of 03). Of course I moved out he said he did it because he felt I was holding him as #2 and my heart really wanted my ex. And instead of being a man and breaking up with me he used it as an excuse to cheat on me. I had no clue of it I mean we had a very sexual relationship from the beginning at least once a day so it was not out of "need". Anyways we broke up he did want me back but I told him there was no way in hell I would go back with him, and I didn't think I would. So for about a month I just cried and cried and cried. It really hurt me that he could lie to me every day for 8 months. He told me he loved me wanted to marry me and have a baby with me how could he do that? Anyways he couldn't convince me to come home so he and the ow become a couple. He and I were still sleeping with each other several times a week and talking everyday. I began to see other guys. Then he started blowing her off so he and I could hang out. I blew the guy I was dating prior to him off several times for him just so he could see that I would rather spend time with him than ex. So come May we decided to get back together. I assured myself and him that I was completely over my ex and he told me everything I wanted to know about his affair. It hurt but surprisingly it helped. I told him that he was to have no contact with ow and that we would both have to take extra steps to make the other sure that we were being good and honest. we have been back together for about 3 weeks. He has definetely changed alot now he gave me the passwords to his email/ phones invites me to go to work with him calls me and takes my calls as often as possible to make me feel comfortable. He holds me when I cry about the past, he promises up and down that he will never do that to me again. He really is truly sorry and trying his best to make it up to me. But even with all that It still hurts so much everytime i think about it I just break down and cry it is getting better and I do feel like this time it will work. We both did wrong and are both willing to do whatever it takes to get past this and move on together. He wants to get married within the next year or two. I just don't know if I am being fooled by him I mean if he cheated on me for that long and told me lie after lie how do I know that everything he is doing now is not a lie? Any commentss would be appreciated. Thank you Jessica


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 6:49pm
First thing you need to do is get to a physician and get checked out for every STD under the sun. I'm serious.

Second, my primary concern here is your boyfriend's little girl who lives with the two of you. What is all this drama and chaos doing to her? Dad in jail...women in and out of dad's life...emotional bonds forged and then broken, etc. Do her a favor and live on your own. She deserves some peace and stability.

Third, why was Prince Charming in jail for 40 days?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:39pm
Thank you for your reply. We have both been tested since. I agree with you the baby is suffering the most out of this and that is why we are really trying to do our best to make this work. I love the baby as if she were mine. The reason he was in jail is from driving with a suspended license. I am going to stay with him and work this out no matter what it takes, my post was more to get some ideas on how to let go of the past and get the bad out of my head. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:57pm
"I am going to stay with him and work this out no matter what it takes, '

Then please go to couples counseling and do what is right for this child. Explore your infidelity and trust issues together with a professional.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 3:35pm
Thank you for your reply. We are in the process of finding counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 7:41pm
I hope that the 2 of you learn to live without sleeping around, that you will both learn to live responsibly and raise your daughter in a healthy environment. You never know, she could turn out to be a change maker herself if she gets the right role models. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 7:43pm
He is a convict. A convict who cheats, lies, and is a criminal. Stay far away from him. And never date a man like him again. Unless you want a lifetime of heartache....then, well, go ahead and date him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:17pm
Ok I have posted at the wrong board I will stick to the healing after betrayal board


Edited 6/13/2004 10:19 pm ET ET by bonitagirljess
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:17pm
Why is this the wrong board-because you don't like the responses or something else?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 5:42pm
The trust is gone. You will never trust him again, and he will never trust you either. It's a lost cause, as I see it. I know you love him, but sometimes you just have to let go. There are other good men out there.