How do I make this work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
How do I make this work?
3
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 4:51pm
My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years. Things used to be great, but they have changed. He is just not the most responsible of people. We have a 5 year old son and I am curently 5 months pregnant and we do not live together. We are planning on moving in together before baby is born. He doesn't ask me how I am doing (pregnancy-wise). Hasn't been going to the dr appt because of his work. He is unfortunatley the type of person who will not do anything unless he absolutely has to. He is spoiled. He is 28 years old, living with his mother who doesn't make him pay rent! So he basically gets away with anything he wants. I feel as though he is taking advantage of me. He doesn't find it necessary to call me. We usually talk everyday, but to him it is no biggie if we don't talk for one day. The other problem is the fact that he hates to communicate. If I try to express how I feel and that I feel neglected, he gets mad. So I don't know if I should try to talk to him again, or just act like I don't care and hope that he sees me being less loving. Please help...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 5:09pm
So basically he's not good marriage material, yet you still want a relationship with him? Why? I know, because you love him. Those words 'I love him' allow him to continue to get away with behavior that his family/parents/mom helped established a pattern for.

Consider why you are willing to settle for this kind of relationship.... you will be raising 3 kids not just 2.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 6:37am
Hi Nichole

I'm a 39 year old woman who just learned a tough lesson the hard way. The love of my life, litteraly, just ended our relationship on Monday night. The pain is excruciating.

The lesson I learned , is you can't MAKE a relationship work. It either does ot it doesnt...and it takes two.

Please dont' think for a second that "acting" a certain way will make him "act or react" a certain way. And if it works, its not sustainable for the long haul.

I twisted myself into a pretzel to "make" this relationship work. My guy is a commitment phobic. That might not be true for yours..however...he needs to make his own commitment. You cant do it for him.

Something I did last night was to sit down and write out a list of my needs in a relationship. In a perfect world, what needs to I need to have met. Need for affection, for honesty, to trust, need to spend time together, need for space, need to know that even if we're apart we're still missing each other, need to feel safe and secure etc.etc etc. My list was long...I realize I will not meet someone who will meet 100% of my needs 100% of the time. Once I did my list, I put a checkmark beside the needs to he used to meet, versus the needs he was currently meeting. I was susprised by the results. As much as I am hurting and bawling my eyes out non stop etc etc etc, I need to remember that the most important thing is to be true to myself. I know you have children involved but starting off on the wrong foot won't do them any good either. Several woman have become succesful single happy mothers, giving their children healthy living environments.

Just a suggestion, but you might want to make a list. You might be surprised...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 1:53pm
Okay, you have been together for 10 years - so my question to you is - how long has he been acting like this? If it's since the beginning of the relationship - then why is his behavior such an issue now? Did he act like this with your first pregnancy?

The point I am trying to reach with all of these questions, is that you need to re-assess your life - and whether or not you want to continue to be involved with him. I mean, do you expect that after you are married that his behavior will change? Chances are that his behavior will be the same or get progressively worst. And how will this affect the children? Are you prepared to raise these kids alone if you two decide not to remain together as a couple? We all know that while the father of the child may not live with the child, it's the mother who bears primary responsibility.

Good luck on whatever you decide...