HOW DO I REGAIN HIS TRUST?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
HOW DO I REGAIN HIS TRUST?
4
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 7:31pm
I lied to my bf about another relationship I finally confessed but only after he had asked me about it many other times, he says he kept asking because he already thought that I was lying and was wondering when I would finally fess up. Because I didn't answer him truthfully the first time I couldn't get myself to answer him the next few times he had asked. My intentions were to tell him when I felt the time was good for me to talk about it, but I guess the best time would have been when he asked. He didn't want details he only wanted a yes or no answer, but I expected to have to give him an explanation not a yes or no. Now that he knows I lied he is really upset and doesn't think that he can forgive me and doesn't think that he could trust me not not lie about anything else. I have not lied to him about anything else but this one thing. So my question is How do I fix a lie and get him to understand that I will never lie to him again? And is there a difference between "thinking" someone is a liar and finding out that they "are" a liar? He is 53 and I am 42, we have been together for almost a year, to the point of really starting to make this work and figure out routines that work for both of us. He is very adamant in how he feels about lying. I feel very deeply for this man and want to make it right again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 8:57pm
Is this other relationship someone that you dated while dating him? Why is it controversial? It is really the lie or the fact that you dated this person that upsets him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 1:46am
I'd also like some context to this. And I'd especially like to understand why you lied in the first place.
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 11:06am
It wasn't necessarily a relationship, the guy and I had been co-workers and freinds we hung out, we hooked up once but there were some issues with this guy that I found out about after the hookup, we were still freind, it happened a year before my bf and I got together, I think that I mostly lied because I was a little embarressed about the whole thing, I wasn't ready to talk about it. I know that he only wanted a yes or no answer and that he wouldn't have pried any deeper, but that's not what I was hearing when he asked me the question.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 11:28am

We all make mistakes. You made a mistake to lie. If you did not want to tell him at that, you could have simply said, you were not ready to discuss it. However, that said, you have apologized. What more can you do? If you have not lied about anything else, all you can do is tell him how sorry you are and ask for his forgiveness. At this point it's up to him to learn about forgiveness. If he cannot trust anything else about you, that is quite extreme. You have never given him cause to doubt you. The problem then becomes his. Now we are seeing that he is extremely suspicious and may have difficulty forgiving. He is the only one who can deal with this problem of his. You have to tell him that you love him and ask him what he needs in order to be able to trust again and to learn how to forgive? He may or may not be able to answer. It's up to him.


If he uses this lie to punish you, to be angry, to withdraw, etc., then once again, there are deeper issues going on here. He may have just been waiting for a reason to pull away, to doubt love or to be able to feel that all women are untrustworthy. I do not know him, so I cannot say what his deeper issues are.


All you can do is your best here. He has to be able to conquer his own inner issues.


Best wishes,