How do I stop myself from being bitter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
How do I stop myself from being bitter?
7
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:26am
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. During that year he has been pursuing his career pretty hard core. His goal is so close you can almost reach it, but it's not quite attainable yet.

During the past year he has been gone an ENORMOUS amount of time. BUT...each time, no matter how hard it was, we have made it through.

So now, we are in another phase of this process and we are now living together...sorta. We share the same address basically. BUT...he's gone up to 6 days a week - if not more. AND the day he's here...he's on call which makes him have to leave every so often.

So this last schedule had him gone for 10 days and during that time, I saw him a good 2 hours. I can't help but feel pretty neglected and pretty resentful/bitter.

I haven't said anything about how I have been feeling because he needs to be focused and not have to worry about how I am feeling - until recently.

The past few days - with all of this hurt/anger/resentment/whatever built up inside of me, it has just decided to come out now. I almost feel I don't know who I am because last night he was home - and I almost didn't want him to be. I was happy to see him - don't get me wrong - but I didn't want to have sex - I didn't basically even want him to touch me. I think its just because I am so bitter about this schedule. This by far is the hardest part of this relationship. How do I put these feelings aside when he's here and just let it go? I ALWAYS wear my heart on my sleeve so he's going to know when something is wrong - I just can't hide it - no matter how hard I try!

So he left this morning and I was crying because I felt like a HORRIBLE girlfriend for pushing him away and being resentful last night and now I just feel like crap.

Just so you know- our relationship is VERY VERY good and I KNOW we'll make it through this - it's just being in the middle of this little "test" or whatever you want to call this thing we are going through - it seems so hard! :(

We have good communication (except when I am not wanting to bother him with how I am feeling - which he tells me not to ever hide how I feel) and to be honest - this is the best guy I have ever been with! It's just there is NOTHING to do to change this schedule right now and because of that - I am frustrated beyond belief - bitter - resentful - whatever you want to call it.

How do I get those feelings under control so I don't have to be like this when he's here?!?

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:30am


'he tells me not to ever hide how I feel'

Then why would you want to 'put these feelings aside when he's here and just let it go?'????

What favors are you doing him and your relationship by keeping it in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 12:58pm
Well I think by keeping it in - it allows him to focus on what he needs to do. He has a test tomorrow and his job is one that he needs to stay focused on and if I am constantly whining and crying about how crappy this is - that can't do him any good! Also - there is NOTHING AT ALL that can change how things are right now so why should I constantly bring him down when I am upset about this?!?!?

Ideas?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:20pm
Try something along the lines of the Serenity Prayer, which is basically a prayer about accepting the things you can't change and changing the things you can.

Repeat as often as necessary. Perhaps yoga and/or meditation and/or exercise and/or journaling would also help you with accepting what can't be changed for the time being.

Of course, it also helps to have an end date. Is there one on the horizon?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 7:26pm
Hi. My 2 cents: I think that you can build your bitterness to a point of no return. If you value your relationship, I would talk to him. But in a very kind way. I can see that you love him, so let him know that. And tell him that you understand that his committment to work is very important to him, but let him know how you feel, in spite of this. He needs to know. And I agree with the last replier that you should ask for the "end date". Otherwise, you may have to make a choice between living your live with him but without him and just moving on with your life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:57am
I agree you need to tell your bf how you feel. Also try finding something (hobby, friends, group of friends who have a common hobby/craft) for you to focus on while he is away and you'll have more to share and look forward to when he gets back. You're right being bitter is no good to him either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 11:45am
This is idiotic...sorry, but it is.

Feelings are not facts, goals, or calls to action. Feelings aren't what you assess and analyze and utilize to determine what to do in situations.

Feelings are real, they are important...but they're a result of situations and your perception of them. So feelings are always changing because situations are always changing - because actions, decisions, an words (some yours, so not) are always happening.

Logic doesn't override feelings...but logic is what you need to hear.

When you got into this relationship he was pursuing this career, you knew of his priority on it. YOu're not in competition with this career. He's not "choosing" the career over you. He chose the career...AND he chose you.

In light of that reality..there is pragmatic facts. There are only so many hours in a day, days in a week, and money in the bank, and energy to expend.

His "prioritization" is on that career.....it doesn't mean you're not a priority - but it means in the overall scope of his life, to meet his needs, standards, goals, and self-requirements - THIS CAREER HAS GOT TO COME FIRST.

You knew that, when you started out. You said that was fine...because then "any" contact was desired. Now, you consider yourself making great sacrifices on account of his career prioritization.

The only reason you think you're making great sacrifices is becuase of YOUR life prioritizations. Which conflict with his....and that's a problem.

Because great relationships require shared values, priorities, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve them - if there is to be trust, harmony, assurance, and support. otherwise, what you get is osmeone always perceiving they're getting very little in comparison to what they're giving up.

If it is was a priority to you to have a partner in life that spent time with you on a daily basis, and that you shared a bed with 7 nights a week...then you should NEVER have involved yourself with a man so prioritizing of his career.

Because what is a priority to someone, and of value to someone - is what they pursue and what they give up or tolerate is very irrelevant by their definition compared to what they get out of it.

So, heads up...when the career gets to the point where he's trying to take it now....there is osme future advancement still possible. And he's goingg to pursue that future advancement once he achieves the status quo he's seeking with as much prioritization as he has this level of success. Get ready for it.

But, you thinking that you're giving up a great deal - that is not "his doing". That is your prioritizations in life - clashing with his. Nobodys' wrong or right here, or bad or good....it's just not compatible at this time.

It's important to nkow that a relationship isn't a goal. It doesn't mkae you what you're not. It doesn't "offer" you anything per se.

So when you make concessions and compromises to your personal life and goals for a partner.....do it with the realization that if you don't share priorities and values....you're giong to consider yourself "losing out"...while htey're going to consider what you're doing as "unimportant". They won't see it as a "loss" to youo - because if they were called on to do it for their goal - it wouldn't be a loss, it's be "how it's going to be".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:50pm
hadlbran...

Pianoguy hasn't read the previous responses...so he apologizes if this message is a "RERUN" of another poster.

You have to make up your mind that your b/f is career-driven. This is his priority! His intentions and hard work make be honorable, but whatever your expectations (of him) are, they're gonna be secondary!

This leaves you with 2 choices....accept the status quo or bail out! Since the 2 of you aren't married, it's much easier to make the break...should you choose to do this. But I sense that...aside from your b/f's frequent absenteeism from home...YOU LOVE HIM AND ENJOY HIS COMPANY?

You might consider getting involved in a social activity or do a little volunteer work for a few hours a night? This way...YOU have something to keep yourself preoccupied while your b/f "rakes in the BIG BUCKS!"

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Pianoguy