How do we regain trust
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How do we regain trust
| Mon, 02-02-2004 - 2:31pm |
My sister and I tend to go through similar relationship problems at the same time. We are both struggling with trust issues in our relationships. My sisters boyfriend had sex with his ex while they were broken up for a few weeks. Now she is afraid that everytime they have a fall out he will go back to her. He lied and told my sister that they no longer spoke or saw each other. Prior to that he had been going to see a girl who lived by his best friend while they were together and he never had sex with this girl but he never told her he was in a relationship. They were just friends but you have to wonder if he had intentions. They are no longer friends. My boyfriend and I hit a rough week in our relationship and he was unhappy. He went out a met a new girl and was talking to her even made plans to go see her but never did. He didn't tell her that he had a girlfriend. They are not friends anymore. He has a lot of female friends and sometimes he lies to me about them. It's usually small stuff like if I ask him who he was on the phone with he would say a male friend instead of the female. But it's a lie nonetheless. I came to the conclusion that he lies because he doesn't want to upset me. I don't like that he has female friends but that is because I am insecure. Sometimes if we have a big fight he will leave me and say "I am going to see my daughter." He knows that I am uncomfortable with him being at their house but that is where he goes to get away from me and make me upset. My sister wants to work it out with her boyfriend and so do I. But we can't get pass our trust issues and insecurities. As a result we become nagging, pushy, nosey women. We have to know every aspect of every situation in order to feel comfortable. Thus we ask who are you on the phone with, where are you going, who is going to be there, blah blah blah. Men don't respond to stuff like that and it makes them feel uncomfortable. What to do??

I don't think you CAN regain trust when you're both dating liars.
You "need" this relationship for security, for identity, for self-acceptance...that why you "need" so desperately to control everything he does.
You're making the first perception error in thinking "he goes there to hurt me"...no, he goes there because he wants to.
If you could, and I know it is hard, step back a little bit...not everything everybody does is 'becuse of you" - not to please you, spite you, control you, or assist you.
At all times, people are individually doing what they want to do, based on their own values and goals and needs. if your "needs" are being met with their actions - that's great. And if your needs are not - you've got to step back and assess if the "need" that you're wanting them to meet is appropriate for them to meet, and if it is and they're unwilling to meet the need (which is greatly different than "do what you say or ask") then you probably have to part company if your need is a priority for you to have met.
But you're wanting all the situations in life to revolve around "your needs" - if you're happy - you want whatever is in play to continue. If you're upset - you wnt it stopped immediately. If it makes you uncomfortable - you want someone to "fix" that situation.
That's you, revolving yoru world around your feelings...which is what leads you to believe that other people are aware of, accept, understand, and take responsiblity for your feeings - with their actions, decisions, and words. They don't.
Feelings aren't facts, goals or calls to action. They're a result of situations. Situations are changed with actions and so your feeings are going to be constantly changing as a result of situations you don't "control" - except to either affiliate or disassociate - based on your values, principles, needs, and standards.
There's no "issue for him to confront" - as in nothing for him to change. He can't 'fix you' - with his attention. That said, I believe there is no equality in this relationship, he's with you precisely becuase you need alliance and affiliation for identity and success by your way of thinking and that puts you in subservience to him - by your own dysfunctional reasoning.
You can't see how to "keep him" and yet speak up. And he likes that - that's why he chose you - you're incomplete and that allows him to do whatever he wants, without any regard for your needs whatsoever.
But this is about him having a child, which he should be parenting daily, and that is your insecurities that are in play regarding the ex...and you have to deal with those.
Notjust tolerate them.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com