How Do We Start?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
How Do We Start?
5
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 7:51pm
Hi there. I'm wandering over from, ironically enough, the Secrets of Married Sex board.
I have been married 8 years, together for 13, have 2 children and just cannot get in sync with DH. We've gone through many periods of abstaining from sex (mostly his part), the first year of our marriage we didn't not have any kind of physical contact at at, then periods of 3, 6, 9 months without inbetween a couple of months of maybe 2-4 times a month. We do very little together. He works odd hours and is gone most of the time for his job. I'm currently a student. He wanted us to go to marriage counselling again but I said no, we've gone through it too many times and it just costs too much time and money that we don't have, so he found one with very similar life values as me so I went. Once. It went okay, but we have not spent any time together to discuss it. We're due again in a few weeks. I should mention that I used to have a very high sex drive (which is now gone completely) and was very dedicated to making our marriage work for years. Now I'm just worn down by the whole thing. He is also on anti depressants and trying to wean himself off of them. My question is.....where do we start? Date nights away from the boys are out of the question right now but there is select times we could make to be together at home. I just don't have any drive to anymore. I'd rather he stay at work as he complicates life for me and the kids when he is at home. Help!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 10:24pm

Welcome to the board gigglegoof,


Would you consider seeing the counselor alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 6:17am
Thanks for the welcome. I actually have read both those books. Like I said, I was extremely commited to making it work. Neither one of us really looks at divorce as on option until you have exhausted all other means of correcting things. It's a good marriage on the surface, no fighting, similar values, we're both good parents, the kids are happy. As for the resentfulness.....it's not really that, although that was there for awhile, now it's withered away to just complacantcy. I imgine the therapist will suggest we see her one on one soon though, that's normally the route they take.
But what I'm here for is how to just start having a relationship again after you've drifted so far apart. It seems so ackward to be intimate in any way. Can a couple get over that hurdle?

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:04am

It sounds as though you do not have a marriage and do not want one. I don't know what you mean by date nights away from the boys ? Does he spend his time out with his friends a lot? The fact that your sex drive is gone is not good for you. It indicates a loss of self esteem and also a withdrawal from your own self as a woman. Sounds like you feel quite rejected by him and have just given up.


I think it's important to go for cousneling (perhaps not marriage counseling, but for each of you to find your own therapist and work privately on these deep issues that are brewing). Obviously he has problems, and you do as well. Find

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 11:51am

Hi again,


Emotional bonding ususally is a good place to start.... some times it's doing little things for your partner that helps things along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 2:24pm
Thanks. I haven't tried either of those. I'll check them out.