How do you get over all the fights and resentment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2014
How do you get over all the fights and resentment?
11
Sun, 07-06-2014 - 2:32am

I'm looking for advice.

I've been married for a little more than a year but it's been awful. My husband and I moved to a new city right after we got married, and I'm cut off from all my friends and family. I've resented him for the move, and for a lot of other stuff, and I know I should have let go, but I just wasn't able to and still can't. I don't know if I fell out of love with him, or if the resentment just poisoned any love I had for him.

I stopped wanting to sleep with him many months ago. We started fighting pretty much non-stop. At first, he still tried to sleep with me, but now he's pretty much given up (we've had sex maybe twice this year). When I first stopped sleeping with him, I thought the problem would get better if he just gave me a little more care and attention, but instead my pulling away just led him to withdraw.

Things kept spiraling out of control, with fights almost all the time. Now it seems he's lost all respect for me, let alone any love. He's told me he doesn't love me anymore, and I've said the same to him.

He still has the power to really hurt me. The other day he told me he hated everything about me. Tonight he told me to shut the f*** up -- the littlest things set us off -- and I was so angry at his tone that I threw a glass of water at him (just the water). Then he called me a f****** whore and told me he hates me again. I ran out of the house crying, and just sat on the street a few blocks away trying to pull myself together. I'm really not close enough with anyone in this new city to call them late a night for a shoulder to cry on or a place to stay, so eventually I walked home.

He's been sleeping in another room of the house for the last couple weeks, and when I got home the door was shut. I just went into our bedroom and watched a movie, which is what I've been doing almost every night to try and take my mind off things. The loneliness is overwhelming.

Now I'm crying again because I feel so alone. We've been to couples counseling, just a few sessions three months ago, and we started going again last week basically because I forced the issue. I feel so hopeless, like there is absolutely no way to move past everything that's happened, and all the resentment I felt a year ago has become a mountain at this point. Does anyone have any advice for me? Is there any way to move forward when you've said the most horrible things you can imagine to someone and have had them said to you? When you can't even fathom sleeping with someone again or getting close to them?

More than anything I wish there was someone I could talk to, which is why I'm turning to this board! Thanks to anyone who reads this and to anyone who has any thoughts.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009

sarah-harper wrote:
<p>I'm looking for advice.</p><p>I've been married for a little more than a year but it's been awful. My husband and I moved to a new city right after we got married, and I'm cut off from all my friends and family. I've resented him for the move, and for a lot of other stuff, and I know I should have let go, but I just wasn't able to and still can't. I don't know if I fell out of love with him, or if the resentment just poisoned any love I had for him.</p><p>I stopped wanting to sleep with him many months ago. We started fighting pretty much non-stop. At first, he still tried to sleep with me, but now he's pretty much given up (we've had sex maybe twice this year). When I first stopped sleeping with him, I thought the problem would get better if he just gave me a little more care and attention, but instead my pulling away just led him to withdraw.</p><p>Things kept spiraling out of control, with fights almost all the time. Now it seems he's lost all respect for me, let alone any love. He's told me he doesn't love me anymore, and I've said the same to him.</p><p>He still has the power to really hurt me. The<span> other day he told me he hated everything about me. Tonight he told me to shut the f*** up -- the littlest things set us off -- and I was so angry at his tone that I threw a glass of water at him (just the water). Then he called me a f****** whore and told me he hates me again. I ran out of the house crying, and just sat on the street a few blocks away trying to pull myself together. I'm really not close enough with anyone in this new city to call them late a night for a shoulder to cry on or a place to stay, so eventually I walked home.</span></p><p>He's been sleeping in another room of the house for the last couple weeks, and when I got home the door was shut. I just went into our bedroom and watched a movie, which is what I've been doing almost every night to try and take my mind off things. The loneliness is overwhelming.</p><p>Now I'm crying again because I feel so alone. We've been to couples counseling, just a few sessions three months ago, and we started going again last week basically because I forced the issue. I feel so hopeless, like there is absolutely no way to move past everything that's happened, and all the resentment I felt a year ago has become a mountain at this point. Does anyone have any advice for me? Is there any way to move forward when you've said the most horrible things you can imagine to someone and have had them said to you? When you can't even fathom sleeping with someone again or getting close to them?</p><p>More than anything I wish there was someone I could talk to, which is why I'm turning to this board! Thanks to anyone who reads this and to anyone who has any thoughts.</p>

Thats exactly what happens when people bottleup their anger , issues, disagreements. One day they all blow up and its not pretty , for all involved. At this point, youve gotta leave the coulda, woulda, shoulda aside and face the elephant in the room head on. At one point in my marriage, husband and I went therapy . The therrapist told me that there is a lot of anger in both of us and needs to be let out. But boy ! it nearly led to nervous break down ( though it seemed like one, but it wasnt ! ). It took months to a year for the entire steam to be let out and then there was nothing but peace/ calmness . It was a new me and a new him . New issues did come up and we eventually divorced. But I learned ( with the help of therapist of course ), how to deal with it , address it and bring it up without fear.

Dont ever try letting go of deep seated anger without the help of a therapist. If you havent told your therapist about it , tell him ,NOW. Once this hurdle is gotten over, only then, the real healing begins. 

A few questions , how old are you both ? Any kids ? Do you work ? Can you join some women's support group ? 

There is no easy way, believe me, been there, done that. If he wont go therapy, you go alone .Once he sees that its helping you, he might get encouraged to go as well. Till then, continue writing here and some of us will chime in to get you through !

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think that holding in resentment leads to a lot of problems.  When I was younger I didn't like fighting and arguing (still don't) so I also wouldn't express my opinions and then eventually things would blow up.  Now you say that you resented your DH for moving--did you speak up at that time?  Why did you move?  Unless he is in the military and basically forced to go where they tell him, there was a choice involved.  You could have decided yoursel not to move at that time if you really didn't want to, but deciding to go with him but yet starting off with resentment toward him for the move is not a good way to start out.  If you move but have the resentment, you won't be trying your best to be happy in the new place.

Also deciding that you're just not going to have sex any more is a certain way to ruin your marriage.  You didn't address the problem.  You didn't tell him that you needed more affection--you just expected him to read your mind.  Instead it had the opposite effect--you pulled away so he did the same.  Plus the constant fighting, name calling, etc. is really toxic.  You need to stick with the counseling--it's not going to be resolved in a few sessions, it's going to take months--either both of you decide that you really want to put the effort into staying together or you should just call it a day.  Better to do it now after a short time with hopefully no kids rather than to stay in a bad relationship for years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

First, did you not discuss where you would live after you got married?  Was the move a "surprise" to you?  If you knew in advance did you not know you'd be leaving all your friends and family behind?  And if you did know, why did you agree to it?  Or did you?  I think you've been married for a year, and it's gone from bad to worse. and before you bring any innocent children into this mess, you need to think seriously about ending the marriage and going back to your family and friends.  It's not shameful to admit you made a mistake, but it IS shameful to continue and letting it get worse and worse.  If you'd truly loved him, you would go to the moon with him.......and people who love each other do NOT call each other vile names and say that they hate them, or throw things at each other, You're wasting your time and money with counseling....two or three times doesn't fix things.  You need to pack your things and go home......and then talk to a lawyer.  All human beings make mistakes...but they're supposed to learn from them, not perpetuate them.  End it before it gets worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2014

Hi Cherry,

Thanks for your comments. It's really interesting what you've said about not bottling everything up and making a serious effort to properly express my feelings.

The support group is a great idea! I've been looking some up now. It's been really hard to be in a new city when you're depressed and fighting all the time. I haven't put myself out there as much as I should have. This relationship has just sapped so much energy. When we get into fights at night, I feel like I have nowhere to go (just the nearest bar, or locked up behind a door by myself watching movies), and after a night of fighting, the next day I feel so depressed and sad it's hard to pick myself up.

My husband and I are both in our early 30s, we both have jobs and we don't have any children. I don't rely on him in any way for financial support.

Again, really appreciate your kind words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Sounds like you have resented him from day 1 for moving you away from family and friends. I married an air force man right after I turned 20 and had to follow his air force moves. Which of course meant leaving family and friends behind for good and only visiting home once or twice a year. Was I homesick? you bet i was, especially at first. But it all depends on your ability to adjust and decide whether your marriage is more important to you than being near your family and friends. It certainly was a big adustment  for me leaving everyone behind, but I had a good man and that alone made it worth all the homesickness I felt. It takes time to adjust and some people never do and are miserable. But I was able to easily make new friends as we moved from one state to the next. Maybe you just weren't ready to fully commit to your husband and marriage. It's posible you could have stayed in your hometown and still be having problems if you really weren't ready to get married to begin with. Honestly though, it sounds like so much emotional damage has been done at this point and you'd be better off just at least separating for a while and moving back home. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2014
Hi Muisclover12 -- thanks for your comments. You're right, I did decide to move, and I know I can't blame him for that decision. Part of what led to the resentment is that when we moved here, he started working crazy hours, so that I never saw him. I moved in part because I knew he really loved it here -- he had lived here before and I hadn't. I was ready for a change and willingly left, so I know it wasn't his fault, but it's hard when you're in a new city and newly married, spending nights and weekends alone, feeling abandoned. As far as sex, I did actually try to talk to him about as it was happening. I said I didn't feel as close to him anymore and it was hard for me to get physically close to someone I didn't feel safe and good with. The other issue, which I kind of danced around with him, is that sex with him was never really the greatest. When we were happy, it was something I could live with. But when things started going downhill, it was hard for me to do something I hadn't been enjoying for a while with someone I had all these negative feelings toward. You're right we both need to decide if we want to keep trying or break up. We *are* lucky that we've only been together three years, married one, and have no kids!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2014

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
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Avatar for khatru1
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Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-09-2014 - 4:13pm

I see you are trying couples counseling again. It is not a good sign that you have to force this counseling on him. You have to find out does he really want to save this marriage? It does not really seem that he wants to.

It is good that you ca nwalk away from this with relative ease if you need/want to. No kids and you are financially independent. Also you are still very much young enough to start over and find someone you are truly compatible with.

Sex is important and its another bad sign that even in the best of times it was an exercise in putting up with it, rather than enjoying it. Soon you would find yourself fantasizing about others while being with your H. Not the kind of intimacy you want for the rest of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

To decide whether or not you two are compatible, you need to face certain facts. You say that he works crazy hours. Does this mean that he is a workaholic and doesn't need to work so much, but chooses to? Or, is it because he's paying his dues as a newbie and over time he will work more normal, and fewer hours? Is the sex not good because he has a low libido, or because he's not adventurous and boring, or it's awkward and brief? If it's because you two do not have a similar libido, then the relationship will never be satisfactory, because compromising will cause resentment. If it's because of a lack of communication, then start communicating in a positive way. "Let's try this position I saw in Cosmopolitan magazine. Oh, that feels so good. Try if softer, I want to see how it feels. Wow, that's it!" 

If the crazy hours have an end in site, suck it up and make the best of the time you do have together. If he's a workaholic, you'll never have the time with him you desire. I would throw in the towel if that's the case.

If he's not a workaholic and the sex can improve, I would give the relationship one last shot. If I were you, I'd sit on the couch with him and hold his hand. I would say, "I've realized I've been very unfair with you. I was hurt when when I was left alone on weekends, etc, and lashed out in anger. I'm sorry. I love you and want things to change. I'm tired of the constant arguments. Let's set some ground rules so we can heal the relationship. No name calling. No attacking the person's character. We can tell each other our needs by remaining calm and civil.

The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. Don't bring up how he's to blame. Only state in positive language what you want. "I want a date day/night once a week. I want to have sex once/twice a week. Start complimenting him, that he's a hard worker or that he looks especially cute at that moment. Give him a back or foot rub. Hold hands while watching t.v. Write him a love note. Even if you're not in the mood to do this, fake it until it becomes real. Physical touch will pave the way to having sex again. And so what if you're doing all this hard work at repairing the relationship? You shouldn't have behaved with such resentment when you moved. I was a Navy wife for 12 years and never lived by friends or relatives during that time, and I had 2 young children. That's what vacations to visit family and phone calls and mail is for: to keep those relationships, even though they are long distance. We didn't even have computers back then, which makes staying connected to people so much easier. I never once expressed anger toward my husband for moving us from place to place. This is your husband. Your spouse is the person you should be treating better than anyone on this planet--the person you sleep with, eat with, and who takes care of you when you're sick. If anyone deserves to be treated like crap, it's cheaters or abusers, and you shouldn't even be with them. Start developing your own interests, hobbies, etc. and make some girlfriends. A spouse can't and shouldn't be the sole source of your social life.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

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