How do you know?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 06-05-2007 - 7:25pm |
I've been with my SO for 10+ years. I love him and I know he truly loves me - for exactly who I am. We aren't married but we live together and we still laugh together, enjoy spending time together and communicate pretty well (I've even talked to him about the below some).
Problem is I've been struggling lately with whether this is enough for me? There is no fundamental reason to leave. He's good to me, doesn't hit me, cheat on me or abuse me in any way. He's an upstanding guy who is responsible and loyal. From the outside there is NO reason to walk away from him.
I also have pressing on me that I despise how people seem to be walking away from long term relationships these days (whether married or not). It seems like people hit this point in their marriage/relationship after 5, 10, 20 years where they "just don't feel it anymore" or "I'm not in love anymore" or "I'm not happy anymore" - in the same relationship they USE to experience happiness/love and those feelings. The reason they don't anymore is because one of them (or both) stopped doing the work - that's my take and I'm sure many will argue with me. But because I've been in a relationship for 10 years I can speak from experience that it IS work to make it last this long - it IS work to stick with it - it IS work to make it a lifelong relationship.
While I've not taken the wedding vows I do believe I live by them and there is nothing in the vows that say "as long as I'm happy, in love and experiencing "those" feelings"!
And my point is... I do not want to be the type of person who decides to just not do the work. BUT I also don't know, how to know if that's not my problem at all - maybe my problem is - I chose a man who has a different idea of how to operate in a relationship. A man whose priorities in life are different than mine. A man who doesn't dream or have goals in life and therefore is content to live exactly as we are now - forever!
From the outside HE is a good man, from the outside there is no viable reason for me to leave and even from the inside I have to question my sanity in considering walking away from a man that LOVES me and who I can't really imagine life without.
But we do not adore each other, there isn't passion and I've lost respect for him due to his inability to move forward in life. Unfortunately, I feel like giving examples makes those I'm seeking advice from, just focus on the examples - that's not what I'm looking for - we KNOW how to compromise and I've become really good at that - but it's the underlying belief - the difference in relationship ideals...
I don't know how else to explain it.
How do I know if I'm just "giving up" or if there really wasn't anything there to work with in the first place - we've just crippled along these years!?
Thoughts, advice!? TIA!
P.S. fyi - we aren't intersted in seeking professional advice. I've been down the therapist road and not sure I buy in to it!

Pages
Just curious - is this a recent thing that's got you thinking? Or has it just built over time?
<>
To me, the answer is "growth". That's how you one day decide. You grow, and your thoughts and perspectives grow and change with you.
I think, at the very least, this should give you more to think about regarding your parents' split, or perhaps others you know.
<>
I'm sure you're aware that this statement is contradictory. You won't be content to stay. You won't be content to go. Are you sure of who your are, and what you stand for? If so, then at the end of the day, you know you've done the right thing. Have you considered just working on finding yourself a bit more, spending more time doing what YOU want, and not worrying about this right this minute?
My favorite ways to figure things out: I have spirituality on my side. I "give it up" and it ALWAYS comes to me. Maybe not on MY time, but it has worked for me in recent years in EVERY situation that I've "given up" to God or .
If you're not spiritual or religious (if you will), then try this: write a list. On the left, write "Stay". On the right, "Go". Fill in the columns with your reasons, understanding, of course, that some things will carry more weight than others, so length of each list is irrelevant.
When you're done with this list - bury it, burn it, put it in a box, whatever, and FORGET it. Concentrate on enjoying your life RIGHT now, AS IS. You can even give yourself a time-limit for doing so.
Then, if the answer hasn't come to you on its own (and it's my belief that it WILL), then you revisit in say, a month, 6 months, 1 year, whatever you decide.
It's silly and oversimple, but in my experience, WORKS.
Pages