How do you know she/he is the ONE?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
How do you know she/he is the ONE?
4
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:39am
My gf of a year and 7 months recently decided to break up and take time for herself to decide whether or not I am the ONE for her. A year ago, she clearly thought I was and would have readily accepted if I had proposed, however our relationship became long distance (temporary 3 years while I went to law school) yet we still saw each other every 2 or 3 weeks. Other the year of long distance, a lot of stuff in her life changed (friends, family) and she started having doubts I was the ONE. She began thinking of "What if's". Up until now, I thought we had a perfect relationship (other than the distance). We got along on every level. We never fought and while we have our individual differences, they complement each other.


She asked me when we broke up why I thought she was the ONE, and I just said "I know" but couldn't give a more descriptive answer. I thought of it a few days later as SHE was the only thing I could think about. She is my ONE because not just how completely compatible we are, but because with her, I can truly be myself. I have exposed to her a level of me I didn't know existed and the same goes vice versa with her as well.

Do you think giving her time and space can make her realize I am the ONE again? (those were basically her words. She thought some of her passion for the relationship was missing and she is hoping or trying to find it again). Since she's already had to deal w/not missing me as badly because of the distance, wouldn't time apart just enhance those defenses she's developed? How did you guys/girls (i'm particularly interested to hear what the women have to say) know your bf, mate, or ex was the one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:15am
I know what you're looking for here is encouragement, but honestly IMO it's better to face reality and deal with it. She may "realize" you're the one, but on the other hand she may realize you aren't. Nobody can predict that, especially not knowing what she's feeling or thinking. However, let me ask you to remember one thing -- someone CANNOT be right for you if it's not mutual. By definition, being right for someone means they feel the same about you. If she ends up deciding you are not the one for her, then she cannot be the one for you, no matter how you currently feel about her. Because the one for you is someone who is *certain beyond doubt* that you are right for her. Don't settle for less than that, or you'll be selling yourself short. If she has serious doubts about a life with you, she is right in listening to them and exploring them, and not just trying to ignore them. You are broken up now. Try to prepare yourself for a life without her and if it happens, grieve the loss, take away something positive from the experience, then move on. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:41pm
jch4711...

The following will probably sound a little strange...but Pianoguy doesn't think there's ANY man or woman who comes under the header: "THE ONE!" What we usually find is a person who has compatible thoughts and feelings to ours. It's a person we feel comfortable sharing our love, feelings and life with.

However...if you take the time to do some real exploring, you'll probably find many others who fall into that same category. . But...let's get back to your situation...okay?

YOU are head over heels in love with a woman who (you believe) is everything you want and need. Unfortunately, her 'needs and desires' aren't completely compatible with yours..so she made the choice to break things off and explore other...err...possibilities? Does this mean EVERYTHING IS FINISHED between you both? Not necessarily. But it takes a man (or woman) who REALLY CARES about his S.O. with plenty of courage (aka the guts) to let that person go!

Just a little more food for thought...a man and a woman can "grow in different directions" whether they've been dating for 10 weeks or married for 10 years! The trick is to realize the change, make any adjustments (if possible), or understand that those "new horizons" your partner is interested in...don't involve YOU!

Give the girl time to discover what's most important in her life, okay?

Best wishes and warm thoughts from...

Pianoguy




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:00pm
you guys are right...it is a 2 way street and it does involve both people. I'm just having a hard time coming to grips with the idea of how I could have slipped from being the person she thought was her future, to being the right guy at the wrong time.

Timing is a concept that I know is very important, but in our situation, timing was not an issue until it was compounded by long distance. I will be done w/school in 2 years and back. Will that necessarily make the situation different? In a way, it sort of pisses me off that she is so emotionally weak as to not be able or willing to tough out a relationship she knows would lead to future happiness (she acknowledges that I could make her happy and that she can imagine her life 5-10 years down the line married to me and happy) just because it was tough on her right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:58pm
Emotionally weak? If she was emotionally weak she'd be staying in this relationship even though she is unhappy in it. An emotionally healthy and strong person makes change in their life, however difficult or upsetting it is, if they know it is the right thing for them to do. Sorry but she cannot predict the future, how she would feel in the future, what the future would be like with you, etc. I think she's just saying what you want to hear about that to ease the pain of the break up for you. How can she not be happy with you now, but think she would be in the future? Makes no sense to me. Not all people are cut out for LDRs and she is probably one of them who is not satisfied with one. However, to say maybe in 5 years it would be ok with you is to put you on her back burner, keeping your hope alive. NOT a good idea for either of you. IMO the best thing for both of you is to either remain together in a committed relatoinship or to make a clean and total break.