How do you know when it's over?
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| Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:59am |
Hi. I'm new here. Hoping this post will make sense because I'm crying so hard I can hardly see the screen, so bear with me... I'm afraid it's gonna be long.
My husband and I have been having problems for about a year, maybe a year and a half. I'm 30 and he's 28. We'll have been married 5 yrs. in September, with no kids. (At least that's one thing I don't have to worry about when trying to figure out what to do here...) We don't have any married friends, so I don't have anyone I can really compare my situation to. I know that married life has ups and downs, and that love changes over time, becomes less romantic and more practical. But how do you know if it's just a "down" point that will get better, or if you've completely fallen out of love? When people ask how you know when you've met the right person to marry, the answer is always "You just know." Is it the same thing for knowing when it's over?
It all seems so petty now that I'm trying to type it out. We argue about money alot, which is a typical biggie. Everyone argues about money. But over the course of the past year, we've started argueing about everything, and half the time I feel like I'm just picking fights with him and I don't know why. The real hot button issue is that he's gained a lot of of weight since we got married, probably 30 pounds. I'm still thin, and not because I am naturally - it's because I work my butt off and eat healthy. He used to care about his weight and his health, and practiced martial arts and spent all his free time at the gym. That was one of the things that attracted me to him. But he's just a different person now. He's become a complete slob. He eats junk that he never would have touched before - a whole pot of pasta, or peanut butter with a spoon right out of the jar.
The thing is, about 6 months ago I finally reached the point where I'm not even remotely attracted to him anymore. I can't have sex with him. I mean, I can force myself to, and we do, maybe a couple of times a month. But I hate it. He now weighs about 120 lbs. more than I do, and it's actually uncomfortable to have him on top of me - not painful, but definitely not appealing. And if I straddle him it's uncomfortable because his hips and waist have gotten so wide. I'm not even going into the visual element, which makes me feel like the most horrible, superficial person in the world that it matters to me. But it does.
So tonight it finally came to a boiling point. He had been going to the gym and eating a little better and probably lost about 5 pounds in May and June. And I was giving him a lot of support and encouragement about it. Our sex life even improved for, like, two weeks. Then he got sick at the beginning of July, couldn't work out, and hasn't been back to the gym since. Of course, that reversed every bit of work he had accomplished. This week I've been trying to (delicately, I thought) encourage him back to the gym. I finally convinced him to go for a walk with me tonight, and as soon as we got out onto the street he blows up at me "I just disgust you, don't I?! You think I'm a fat, f***ing pig." I told him that I don't mean to make him feel that way, that I'm just trying to help motivate him. I won't transcribe the whole arguement, but it escalated very quickly from there. I got mad because I feel like it's not fair for me - I feel like I'm the victim of a bait & switch scheme. I married this healthy, good looking, active man, and now I'm stuck with a fat, lazy slob. He accused me of witholding sex from him, and I just flipped and finally yelled at him that it's not comfortable to have sex with him anymore, that I don't enjoy it, CAN'T enjoy it. There was a lot more, a lot of yelling, a lot of accusations, but there's no point in recounting it all. The argument lasted the entire walk. By the time we got home, we were both in this icy silence. And then he stormed out.
I'm not looking for someone to tell me "yes, leave him" or "no, don't", because I know no one can decide that for me. I just want to know, does this sound normal to anyone? Does it sound like just one of those "down times" that couples start going through when they've been married a while? Or does it sound like this marriage is starting to fall apart?
Thanks to anyone who made it this far. Even if no one responds, I feel better having gotten it out.
~Dream

I'm really sorry about your situation.
I think that it's something a lot of couples have bounced back from, however. It will take work on his part, and an acceptance that he needs to clean himself up if he wants to have a good marriage. No one should be forced to settle with someone who has become a slob and you're more than entitled to make suggestions to him that would improve your marriage. I think you've been handling this really well so far.
Your husband is very defensive about this and while it is certainly his own "fault" for the change in his behavior, he needs to feel appreciated.
Rather than making this issue into an elephant in the room I think you two should sit down and come up with a plan. He should agree to eat healthier and hopefully start exercising. You have the right idea by having him come with you for a walk or a jog. Tell him that you really want to get back to where you were. Marriage counseling can help you come to a fair agreement but if you can get him to a point where he accepts that he needs to change then it may not be necessary. good luck, I hope he is receptive to you.
Health is a very important topic in a marriage. Unfortunately how one looks is just as important. In some ways yes it's sad that there is so much pressure on looks but you figure if you weren't attracted to him in the beginning you would never be where you are today.
While I think health and looks are important they should not be how you determine if you love someone. You still love your husband, you didn't say you fell out of love you just said you are not attracted to him anymore. Your husband still has some positive sides to him...think of that. Is he strong, decisive, caring, passionate...i have no idea but other then looks there is a reason you fell in love with him. Remember that....
I'm sorry you had a big fight and i know how upset you are. Maybe you can talk calmly to your husband though and express how you have been feeling. The good thing is in my opinion I don't think your marriage is over I just think you need to communicate your feelings more. You have a right to your feelings. You both just need to understand each other better.
Your husband is defensive to the weight issue which means he is probably uncomfortable with his weight gain and possibly sensitive to this...you need to talk with him and find out. It's an easy solution he can loose the weight....still its not as easy as just saying it.
Here's the thing...my BF is very much into weight and health. While I'm not over weight I could tone my body. He tells me I look great and in the same sentence will tell me to get to the gym b/c he thinks working out is important. I'm explained to him that it hurts my feelings when he says get to the gym... I believe you should work out it's just hard for me to get motivated. We have our differences...we understand where the other stands. (for a while I wouldn't go to the gym out of spite but the only one I was hurting was myself with that response. eventually I'm not sure how I did loose 10 pounds)
I respect his thoughts, even if i might not completely agree, and he is more understanding and sensitive to my thoughts.
I have a friend who is going through the same thing you are with her BF. He is overweight and she is unattracted to him. The good thing is he has other qualities for her to be attracted to but it's tough when he's not good to look at and it's made her look at other people. She communciated this to her BF, they bought bikes, she makes his lunch and they eat a healthy dinner. He is loosing wait b/c he doesn't want to loose her and knows how important this is to her.
You and your husband can work this out. You both love each other and when you talk to him remind him of that. Together come up with a solution.
I know this is long and I hope it made sense and helps.
Hi Dream,
I have no advice to give you, only a story my recent ex-boyfriend told me when we first starting dating in July 06.
My exboyfriend (dumped him July 11, 07) was big, actually he was fat. He had pictures of himself in highschool, etc (he's 54 now) and he was tall and thin, lean, normal weight. I happened upon a picture of him and his exwife when they were on their honeymoon which was maybe 27 years ago, he looked good, normal sized, not super skinny but good.
Now here I am starting to date him July 06, and he mentioned that his exwife was a boby builder and she always worked out and competed. I have never met his exwife. He told me that when they were married, after awhile she'd nag at him for eating junk and the more she nagged the more junk he ate. (I'm not saying you're doing this) He said that he'd purposely sit in front of her watching TV or whatever and just stuff his face with junk just to make her mad. He told me he did this on purpose because all she did was bitch and nag at him and that's how he got so fat. He said he'd eat in his truck, at work, fill his face with potatoe chips, burgers, french fries, like he was trying to get fatter because she would nag and nag about his weight, insinuating that it was because of HER and her nagging that he got so fat. (Gee, a big red flag right in the beginning I ignored, but didn't forget)
I was amazed! I told him, SHE didn't stuff that junk down your mouth, YOU did. It's ironic that you say your husband gained 30 pounds because a month before my exboyfriend and I broke up he told me he gained 30 pounds since he met me, actually since the beginning of this year. (Like what? Was he insinuating it was because of ME?) After awhile when I was at his house we'd sit in front of the TV and he'd stuff a whole package of store bought butter cookies in his mouth. A whole package!!! I NEVER ever made a mention of his weight except that statement I made within the first month of us starting to go out when he said that stuff about eating like a pig to "get even" with his ex-wife.
OH, and the sex was horrible. I know what you're going through. He couldn't get on top. There were only 2 positions we could do "it" and it entailed ME having to do all the work. E-gad! It was so boring. I didn't even want to do "it".
I didn't break up with him because of his weight, there were other issues but I can so totally understand your dilema. When my ex told me he gained 30 pounds since the beginning of this year I kinda felt sorry for his ex-wife.
Oh.... he told me how she screwed around on him when they were married and although I feel bad saying this, I can kinda understand why!! Not saying that you should do that, or anyone should, but I'm just being honest here.
I think the biggest clincher/turn around for me was in the winter time in the beginning of this year we drove to a farm store to get formula for puppies. It was snowing SO hard. He parked so far away from the door and I got out of his truck and RAN to the store. I looked back and he was waddling. He couldn't even run. What a picture! He got so big that he had to swing his legs to walk. I stood there watching him and was so turned off. He couldn't even walk fast let alone run. I also found out in the spring that his colesterol was 209 and he now had high blood pressure. He didn't even care.
I know I sound mean but geez! I wonder if guys get depressed and eat to fill a void like it's said that women do?
Welcome to the board Dream,
You two might want to read Relationship Rescue, by Phil McGraw together (to each other, separately whatever). There are tests in the book to determine what you need/want in a relationship and he address physical attractiveness.
Thanks so much to everyone who responded! I'm feeling better this morning. Not because anything has really been resolved, but just happy to be at the office. DH did go to the gym this morning, but he was a complete martyr about it. When I left for work he was collapsed on the sofa with an icepack on his shoulder. I asked what happened to his arm, and he said (in this very weak voice) "I overdid it at the gym." Subtext being, "Happy now?"
I think everyone mentioned at some point in their posts something that I do believe is an issue with DH, and that's his defensiveness about his weight. He's not AT ALL happy about his weight gain - like I said in my original post, he used to be very fit. And I think he's depressed about it and instead of wanting to talk about it and accept help from me, he just gets angry and takes it out on me. Also, his father was obese and recently had gastric bypass surgery in order to lose weight, and I think DH is scared to death of becoming like him. You'd think that would be enough of a motivator to get him to take care of himself, but I'm beginning to wonder if he's started seeing it as some kind of inevitability...
The story from kitchenwiz2007 really struck a chord with me because DH has mentioned before (jokingly, I thought) that it's my fault he's gained weight, that he never had a problem staying in shape when he was single. But I'm thinking more and more that he actually DOES blame it on me. He has absolutely no willpower. If I made a pan of brownies because I wanted a treat, I'd have one and he'd eat the rest of the pan. That's NOT normal. But in his eyes, it would be my fault for making the brownies in the first place.
So I've stopped buying/making stuff like that. If I want a treat, I have it at work. But now I'm wondering what he's eating while HE'S at work, because I don't keep crap in the house anymore and he's still not losing weight. I think he does eat for emotional reasons; It all seems cyclical - he's depressed because he's gained so much weight, and then he just sits on the sofa watching TV and eating because he's depressed. I hope he's not doing it to spite me, but I do think he resents that I have the willpower to go running as soon as I walk in the door from work, or have just one cookie, or whatever.
The important thing is that there's still love there. (though at the moment it feels more like the love you'd feel for a close friend) But I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I have no attraction to. I'm starting to wonder if I've settled. I know sex isn't the only thing in a relationship, but I don't think a marriage can survive without it. It's essential for bonding and staying close and intimate. Otherwise you're just really good friends who live together and share the bills. I don't want a roommate, I want a husband.
Thanks again for the feedback!
I'm reading your story here and seeing how it's the flipside of so many women's stories about how their husbands have lost interest in them because they've gained weight, and yet, to those women, many times the input is that their husbands should accept them exactly as they are, lest they be labeled insensitive jerks.
Anyway,
I don't believe any love is lost between you. I don't believe the current sitution will remain the same as it is now for any significant period of time, so dont' project today into the future, deal only with today. I'm not surprised he's depressed about his weight gain, he's probably beating himself up a whole lot more about it than you can even imagine. Thing is, the more "help" and "encouragement" you try to give him, will many times only come across as nagging, criticism, etc. Sad but oftentimes true because men deal with depression differently than women do, so don't expect him to talk it out or accept help easily, even as his wife.
I think you're doing a great job of not keeping junk food in the house, making only healthy food for the both of you, etc., hopefully you won't hold him to the same standards of eating and fitness that you keep for yourself, guys of course need different levels of nutrition, and as far as what he eats outside the home, you can't control that so I'd leave that alone, but you most definitely can keep mum on the bad points regarding his weight, and only be his cheerleader for even the smallest bit of effort shown, the smallest milestone or achievment.
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Good for you! I have no control when it comes to sweets, so I can't even have them in the house! I'm currently trying to lose weight - I've gained 30 pounds since I met my fiance (isn't that weird? It's always 30 pounds) and I've actually asked him to NOT bring junk food into the house. He still brings in the ultimate crumb cake and I have to remind him that I'm trying to lose weight, but he's been pretty good about not buying ice cream or buying me candy.
Also, does he enjoy cooking? Can the 2 of you start cooking some healthy meals together? It's not ALL about the fat - you married him so I'm assuming you'd like to have him around for a long time, and not just until he has a heart attack. Try using that tack too when discussing weight-related issues.
All of your responses have given me a lot to think about, so thanks everyone!
We argued a little more last night, but it was more of the productive kind of argument, if that makes any sense. I think it took him getting really worked up to finally say what he's been thinking - which is that he knows I'm unhappy and that it's not fair to me that he's let himself go so much. I told him that it's not just about me being attracted to him, it's also about him not caring anymore about something that used to be very important to him - his own health. He seems to genuinely want to get back in shape, not just for me, but for himself. Which is what I wanted all along. So, I think we've gotten everything out in the open; Now it's a matter of putting words into action... I'm going to do my best to just keep my mouth shut now! I think I've said all I need to say, and I'm just going to leave him to it. I hope if I just keep doing what I'm doing (eating right, running, and working out) that he'll follow my lead.
I hope I haven't come across as a superficial jerk! I guess one of the reasons I'm so offended by the way he's let himself go is because I work d*mn hard to look good! I'm not one of those naturally skinny girls who can eat anything and never gain an ounce, and I never have been. It's just important to me to take care of myself, and I take pride in my hard work. He used to be the same way, and I just want that back!
Anyway, I think now I have enough perspective on the situation to understand that I have a right to want some change, but that this isn't going to be the end of the world. Thanks again!
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