How do you know when to try to save your marriage or when it is just time to walk away! I tried to post something earlier and it's not here so I didn't do something right. I need some advice. My husband left this week which was a total big suprise to me and I am not sure what to do besides not totally fall apart. I am not sure what to believe, I need someone objective to talk to because those who are close to me are so angry they don't want me to give him any time and they want me to just move on. Here is my situation and I will try to keep it short. Four days before Christmas we were out looking for houses because ours is in contract, that day he just seemed so distant from me and different and it hasn't been the same. So on Tuesday, Dec, 30th he left to take time. He said that day he left that he didn't love me like a husband should love a wife, and I just can't accept that even though I should. Why didn't I see any signs? If a month ago you would of told me this would of happened I would say no way!! He wasn't always available emotionally lately but we have been through a lot with our marriage and with trying to get the deal on our house to work out, I knew he was very stressed. To give you a little history of our 12 years together, we were married young (to young for most people say), we have three children, one child with ADHD, one child with Aspergers Syndrome (which is in the autism family) and another child with Diabetes and Celiac disease. We also have had significant financial difficulty. He said last week that maybe this all has taken it's toll. I am just worried that he is depressed and can't figure out what is wrong with him right now. I am so afraid that maybe it isn't me that he wants to get rid of but does and we go through this process and destroy our children's lives. I am also afraid that it really is me that he just doesn't love and how do I get over that. That sad part is, he is not willing to do anything to help. He thinks he has done everything he could of done to make our marriage work but even has admitted to being emotionally dettached. Can you do work and be dettached at the same time?
He says he needs time, how much time do I give him because he is not sure it is definetly over but if he is not willing to do any work how can it be saved? I went through something like this about 18 months ago, I was so depressed with my children's illnesses that I shut down for a while, I couldn't feel much but despair I didn't even think I wanted to be with my husband. I worked through it and I just wonder if he is going through it now even though things were finally starting to look up a little. He is just waiting for all the feelings to bubble up to sort through them, he holds everything in!
Might I also mention the first conversation we had about all of this he told me, that he didn't feel close to me, and we didn't have that "zip" any more. He doesn't believe me that it doesn't last forever, that in love feeling isn't present every single day! He doesn't think a relationship should be work, I just totally disagree. How do I deal with this and him right now. I don't know what to say to him because I want him to have his "time". He is staying with his mother right now and he seems totally fine, I don't think right now he is upset any more which worries me because that means it is over for us! What do I do?
Thank you in advance- Mary Beth
Only you know how long you are willing to wait for him and how much time to give him. However, by agreeing to a non-specific time limit, you are allowing him to sit on the fence and not make a decision. So I would suggest you start counseling on your own.
Reading material to consider:
A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page
My best to you.
Carrie