how do you love your rapist/husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
how do you love your rapist/husband?
23
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:28am
My husband and I have been married going on 12 years. The last one has been hell and the 4 preceeding that were fairly bad as well. About the time it all started sliding downhill, my husband was just embarking on a new business, one that kept him away from home for 12-16 hours a day. He now sees that his career took over his life for 3 years or so there, but at the time, he turned a deaf ear on my complaints of feeling like a single parent to our three kids, and nothing but a concubine for him...well, and cook and laundress. I begged to seek counseling because he would tell me I was crazy and that all men work like that, at least the successful ones, and that I should be greatful he was such a good provider. Well, of course I was greatful he was not some slug who didnt work or couldnt keep a job. He was, in fact, earning more money than I ever dreamed he could. But, I had no husband, no partner, no best friend in my life anymore. In fact, he became so apart from me, and I from him, we rarely had sex. At the time I didnt think I was withholding sex as a punishment or anything. I simply was falling out of love with him, and I needed to be in love with a man to make love to him. He, of course, didnt understand this, and thought that the only way we could be close was thru sex. So, I would go thru the motions once every couple of weeks thinking I was keeping him happy. But then , even that became a chore and another reason to resent him. I became increasingly bitter, cold and contemptuous toward him. When he would complain about the lack of sex, I would suggest counseling and he said I was crazy...he didnt need that. He would make attempts to spark things up, but I would have none of it. He, I felt, pushed me away, and I didnt want him anymore. I felt unloved, used, and crazy for feeling my feelings since he and everyone else seemed to think I had a perfect life. And you know, the whole " gotta stay together for the kids"-thing kept goin thru my mind. So we went thru cycles of being ok together, actually having sex and being kind/loving to rarely having sex and lots of contemptuous feelings. When these no sex phases came along, he would get me drunk (ok...I let myself get drunk) so i 'would be easier to take' he'd joke. It would work sometimes, but other times I would try to fight him off. I would generally give in though, he was stronger, the room was usually spinning from my overindugences, or I would be passed out on the bed and vaguely recall us having sex the night before. I would wake up mornings to him having his way with me. Any protest would lead to a struggle and him finishing anyways, so I would just let him, after a while, and I just gave up fighting.

We were just sort of joking about how I would wake up some mornings with Frank* (not his name) having sex with me, me complaining that I wanted to be left alone and him tellin me 'quiet! I'm almost done' to friends of ours one night. I was laughing along with my husband as we were telling them this since it never occured to me that this was not something husbands and wives normally do. One friend said...wow! that's ...that almost sounds like rape! I can see the expression on his face as clearly today as I did that night. He was really shocked, and his expression startled me. The wife asked, You say no and he still...? I said, well yeah...he doesnt listen. She said, OMG you shouldnt let him do that. I told her, let him? I laughed, like he will listen to me. They laughed it off kind of, with the husband of the pair saying, my wife would have me sleeping on the couch if I ever did that. She said, I would have you sleeping in a hotel while I was on a beach in Hawaii with my divorce laywer if you ever did that. I kind of saw red flags waving after that conversation. But I pushed them out of my mind.

About two months after that conversation, we were having sex about once a week at best and each time was more violent than the last. It disturbed me so I made excuses not to do it. He then would hold me down and do it anyways. One night, He held me down by my hair as I cried, "I am not a hole!" over and over again and then kicked me when he was finished. I slept on the couch for the next couple of weeks. He wasnt thrilled with the arrangement and let me know about it. We then had a party, Jan. 4th, had a lot of people over and he proceeded to get extremely drunk. I was not feeling well from mixing 4 diff kinds of alcohol ( i was not intoxicated this nite but must have had some bad combinations) After the last guest left, I was feeling ill but a bit 'frisky' and so was he but, suddenly nausea swept over me. He was trying to lead me upstairs to bed, when I said...gimme a sec, i think i am going to puke. At that point he became enraged and beat and raped me repeatedly for the next few hours in the most vile disgusting ways possible.

I asked him to leave the next morning when i got up. He saw the bruised face, the swollen eyes, the close to 65 welts on my back and buttocks and thighs, the rug burns on my back and shins from being dragged across the carpeting. He couldnt feel the pain on my scalp, where hair was pulled out and bumps were. Nor was he aware of the rectal bleeding I was having. He didnt feel the utter despair I felt when I woke up and found myself alive that day. So, of course, he wouldnt leave. He apologized repeatedly. Hasnt stopped since. It's been over a year now that it happened. We went for counseling..I was told to reframe the incident. they told me I was depressed (duh!) they put me on meds. He couldnt understand why I wasnt feeling better or forgiving him. We told our parents and siblings. They said we should try to make it work for the kids. No one was outraged! I couldnt believe the lack of support. They showed no signs of anger towards him at all. No disgust. No tears. No how could you do this. Nothing. It was as if it never happened, towards him. But to me, it was all... did you take your medicine today? You are awfully moody. When will you get it together and stop being so selfish and think of those kids? How could you be so heartless, suggesting divorce? My friends, just couldnt believe he could do that. They have all sort of drifted away thru all this. Who wants to hang with a messed up couple? I have drifted away since all of this. I try to forget it. But it comes back. 6 months of counseling left me feeling worse than when we started. I am fearful of going to another counselor because of it. I try to be nice to my husband but there is so much pain there, I usually end up snapping at him. We have had sex 6 times since that last time he raped me.... always when I am tipsy. I drink to forget it ever happened, and drink a lot when I think he is going to try something so I dont have flashbacks. I know this is not healthy in anyway shape or form. How do I get past this? He wont leave. I dont feel I should have to leave since I did nothing wrong. I dont want to take my kids out of their home. They have friends here and a divorce would be difficult enough on them. But he wont leave!!!!!!!!! I have begged. He owns the house though. And he said he will never leave it. Can this be saved? he says yes. I say no way in hell. But he claims to have spoken to psychiatrists who said people CAN come back from this and things can be stronger than ever. I dont see it. He killed whatever spirit was left in me that night. i care about him, I feel bad that he is hurting too, but I dont love him anymore, I cant forget what he did to me. I have told him repeatedly i want a divorce and he throws the Catholic Mom guilt on me. I agree to stay and try harder. But it feels sensless. Am I being blind? Do my parents and friends and psychiatrists see something that I dont? Why am I the bad guy in all of this now? The one who is giving up?

How do you save this marriage?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 9:05am
Oh honey *hugs* I'm so sorry you are being put through all of this. How devasting and it's so wrong!!!! And so wrong of the families. You have no obligation to make this marriage work. If you don't want it; get out!!!! He's a total creep and doesn't deserve you at all. Did you go get medical attention after he had beaten and raped you like that? If you did, then you have some recourse for when it comes to a custody battle.

I know that by not having any family standing by you right now you must feel so all alone. You need to draw some strength from way inside yourself. What about that couple that first brought up that he was raping you? Perhaps they could be a support system for you. Did you try a battered women's shelter? There is a lot of advocacy groups out there that have lots of resources and support groups that could help you get through this. They can even provide legal aid in some cases.

I wish you all the luck in the world. You are right in that this marriage can't work. Stick to your guns on this one. What he did was wrong and there is no excuse and no amount of apologies that can make it all better. He is a rapist and sexual assault and battery IS against the law. And please don't feel bad for him. He doesn't deserve that. He's a jerk. (I'm actually thinking of more colorful adjectives to describe him but won't use those on this board.)

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 9:35am
I think that you already know that your marriage should be over and that it is in no one's best interest for you to stay with him. What I can't believe is that no one in your life is backing you up on this. You are in a dangerous situation with a man that can and will do this to you again if you don't get out now. You're not doing your children any favors by staying with a man who is capable of such cruelty (regardless of the fact he os their father). If he turned on you, he might turn on one of them one day, too. You might not think so, but did you ever think he would treat you this way?

You have no obligation to make your marriage work. He took vows to love, honor and cherish (or something similar) just like you did. He broke his vows a long time ago when he started taking advantage of you and joking about it.

All my love,

Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 11:05am


You need to have a restraining order against him not a mairrage. And he should be in jail.

I am sorry this happened to you but I am too disgusted to say anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:23pm

i am sorry you are going thru this... I am sorry you can't see that this is not a marriage at all.... and I am sorry for you that you do not have a good support system. you are so beaten up - physically, emotionally - that you cannot see that your husband is a violent abusive controlling ..... (i was going to say *man* but he is no man - he is a monster.)


PLEASE get some help for yourself before he kills you. he is already PHYSICALLY

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:03pm
Please seek HELP immediately. Here at ivillage there is a Domestic Violence Support Board and a Rape Crisis board. I'm sure they have a ton of resources.

Call 1-800- 977-SAFE shelter info near you.

::I have told him repeatedly i want a divorce and he throws the Catholic Mom guilt on me.

Actions speak louder than words. GO to an attorney NOW. Don't listen to him. You are showing your children by example that your husband's behavior is *normal* and *acceptable* - so if your son was treating his wife this way, you'd be ok with it? Or if your daughter was being raped by her husband it would be ok?

::I agree to stay and try harder. But it feels sensless. Am I being blind?

Yes, you are letting FEAR keep you in an abusive situation. Because your self-esteem is so low, you believe the crap he tells you, the mental and emotional abuse he heaps on you, the guilt he puts on you.

::Do my parents and friends and psychiatrists see something that I dont?

No, they are in denial because they don't want to believe your husband could be that terrible.

::Why am I the bad guy in all of this now? The one who is giving up?

No, you are (hopefully) going to correct a wrong, his wrong by getting the hell out of there.

::How do you save this marriage?

You can't. Because he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong. And he already turned down your offer of counseling and I'm sure it is way too late for you to gain love, trust and respect for this man that has treated you so horribly.

My best to you may you find strength soon and peace too.



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 4:04pm
You have a long road to healing, and it will not be complete while you're still with this F'er in my opinion. I just want to tell you that I was raped by a person that I trusted and was in love with and the fact that you are with this man is a serious issue. Please, see how beautiful, strong and capable you are of happiness. Take your children and leave this man. Who cares if he gets the house? You get your spirit, your body and your heart back. Please send me an email if you need extra assistance. I am here for you and will not judge you. I can help you look for a place or just listen to you. My heart goes out to you, Sister. You do not deserve to be treated like that. It is NOT your fault.

Healing Thoughts and May You Know Right NOW THAT GOD IS WATCHING OVER YOU and wants you to be rid of this evil rotten scumbag who calls himself a "Man" to the detriment of REAL MEN that are out there and would love you. First you need to say, "EFFE THIS ***T, I AM NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH THIS!" He's taken your self respect away from you, but you can take it back. He can't take away your spirit no matter how badly it's beaten down.

I hope you email me and keep in touch. We are all here for you. This is a village of women and NOT ONE OF US thinks you deserve to be treated like that. What he did was marital rape, and abuse. It's not something that GOD or the LAW sanctions between a man and his wife. NO MATTER WHAT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:37pm
Your posting deeply disturbed me. I cried and cried. I feel so bad for you.

No one can change the situation but you. You should never have to be treated that way. This is no example to set for your children. In the end I can guarantee that they are much happier with the two of you apart. They know more of what goes on than you realize, so if you really care about them and yourself you will leave now. Nothing is more rewarding than being a strong, independent woman/mother. The materialistic things in this world are not important. My mother taught me not to think about the consequences because if you stand up for yourself and what you believe the rest will fall into place and God will provide whatever it is that you need. Please have faith that the Lord will provide and do the right thing for you and your family. Please....
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 2:55pm

I just wanted to add my agreement to what everyone is saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 5:45pm
Poison I feel so bad for you. Your husband is nothing but an ANIMAL and I think it's time to end this marriage. I don't know how someone can do something so vile and disgusting like what your husband did to you and then try to forget it. You need to get a divorce like yesterday. What worries me more is what if the next time he "acts up" you kids witness it, what then??? I shudder to think of that possibility. Take care of yourself and your kids and leave him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:10am
I think you meant this for funky who was our original poster. Yes, I agree that I think this is the most vile, disturbing post I have ever read on this board.

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