how do you love your rapist/husband?
Find a Conversation
how do you love your rapist/husband?
| Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:28am |
My husband and I have been married going on 12 years. The last one has been hell and the 4 preceeding that were fairly bad as well. About the time it all started sliding downhill, my husband was just embarking on a new business, one that kept him away from home for 12-16 hours a day. He now sees that his career took over his life for 3 years or so there, but at the time, he turned a deaf ear on my complaints of feeling like a single parent to our three kids, and nothing but a concubine for him...well, and cook and laundress. I begged to seek counseling because he would tell me I was crazy and that all men work like that, at least the successful ones, and that I should be greatful he was such a good provider. Well, of course I was greatful he was not some slug who didnt work or couldnt keep a job. He was, in fact, earning more money than I ever dreamed he could. But, I had no husband, no partner, no best friend in my life anymore. In fact, he became so apart from me, and I from him, we rarely had sex. At the time I didnt think I was withholding sex as a punishment or anything. I simply was falling out of love with him, and I needed to be in love with a man to make love to him. He, of course, didnt understand this, and thought that the only way we could be close was thru sex. So, I would go thru the motions once every couple of weeks thinking I was keeping him happy. But then , even that became a chore and another reason to resent him. I became increasingly bitter, cold and contemptuous toward him. When he would complain about the lack of sex, I would suggest counseling and he said I was crazy...he didnt need that. He would make attempts to spark things up, but I would have none of it. He, I felt, pushed me away, and I didnt want him anymore. I felt unloved, used, and crazy for feeling my feelings since he and everyone else seemed to think I had a perfect life. And you know, the whole " gotta stay together for the kids"-thing kept goin thru my mind. So we went thru cycles of being ok together, actually having sex and being kind/loving to rarely having sex and lots of contemptuous feelings. When these no sex phases came along, he would get me drunk (ok...I let myself get drunk) so i 'would be easier to take' he'd joke. It would work sometimes, but other times I would try to fight him off. I would generally give in though, he was stronger, the room was usually spinning from my overindugences, or I would be passed out on the bed and vaguely recall us having sex the night before. I would wake up mornings to him having his way with me. Any protest would lead to a struggle and him finishing anyways, so I would just let him, after a while, and I just gave up fighting.
We were just sort of joking about how I would wake up some mornings with Frank* (not his name) having sex with me, me complaining that I wanted to be left alone and him tellin me 'quiet! I'm almost done' to friends of ours one night. I was laughing along with my husband as we were telling them this since it never occured to me that this was not something husbands and wives normally do. One friend said...wow! that's ...that almost sounds like rape! I can see the expression on his face as clearly today as I did that night. He was really shocked, and his expression startled me. The wife asked, You say no and he still...? I said, well yeah...he doesnt listen. She said, OMG you shouldnt let him do that. I told her, let him? I laughed, like he will listen to me. They laughed it off kind of, with the husband of the pair saying, my wife would have me sleeping on the couch if I ever did that. She said, I would have you sleeping in a hotel while I was on a beach in Hawaii with my divorce laywer if you ever did that. I kind of saw red flags waving after that conversation. But I pushed them out of my mind.
About two months after that conversation, we were having sex about once a week at best and each time was more violent than the last. It disturbed me so I made excuses not to do it. He then would hold me down and do it anyways. One night, He held me down by my hair as I cried, "I am not a hole!" over and over again and then kicked me when he was finished. I slept on the couch for the next couple of weeks. He wasnt thrilled with the arrangement and let me know about it. We then had a party, Jan. 4th, had a lot of people over and he proceeded to get extremely drunk. I was not feeling well from mixing 4 diff kinds of alcohol ( i was not intoxicated this nite but must have had some bad combinations) After the last guest left, I was feeling ill but a bit 'frisky' and so was he but, suddenly nausea swept over me. He was trying to lead me upstairs to bed, when I said...gimme a sec, i think i am going to puke. At that point he became enraged and beat and raped me repeatedly for the next few hours in the most vile disgusting ways possible.
I asked him to leave the next morning when i got up. He saw the bruised face, the swollen eyes, the close to 65 welts on my back and buttocks and thighs, the rug burns on my back and shins from being dragged across the carpeting. He couldnt feel the pain on my scalp, where hair was pulled out and bumps were. Nor was he aware of the rectal bleeding I was having. He didnt feel the utter despair I felt when I woke up and found myself alive that day. So, of course, he wouldnt leave. He apologized repeatedly. Hasnt stopped since. It's been over a year now that it happened. We went for counseling..I was told to reframe the incident. they told me I was depressed (duh!) they put me on meds. He couldnt understand why I wasnt feeling better or forgiving him. We told our parents and siblings. They said we should try to make it work for the kids. No one was outraged! I couldnt believe the lack of support. They showed no signs of anger towards him at all. No disgust. No tears. No how could you do this. Nothing. It was as if it never happened, towards him. But to me, it was all... did you take your medicine today? You are awfully moody. When will you get it together and stop being so selfish and think of those kids? How could you be so heartless, suggesting divorce? My friends, just couldnt believe he could do that. They have all sort of drifted away thru all this. Who wants to hang with a messed up couple? I have drifted away since all of this. I try to forget it. But it comes back. 6 months of counseling left me feeling worse than when we started. I am fearful of going to another counselor because of it. I try to be nice to my husband but there is so much pain there, I usually end up snapping at him. We have had sex 6 times since that last time he raped me.... always when I am tipsy. I drink to forget it ever happened, and drink a lot when I think he is going to try something so I dont have flashbacks. I know this is not healthy in anyway shape or form. How do I get past this? He wont leave. I dont feel I should have to leave since I did nothing wrong. I dont want to take my kids out of their home. They have friends here and a divorce would be difficult enough on them. But he wont leave!!!!!!!!! I have begged. He owns the house though. And he said he will never leave it. Can this be saved? he says yes. I say no way in hell. But he claims to have spoken to psychiatrists who said people CAN come back from this and things can be stronger than ever. I dont see it. He killed whatever spirit was left in me that night. i care about him, I feel bad that he is hurting too, but I dont love him anymore, I cant forget what he did to me. I have told him repeatedly i want a divorce and he throws the Catholic Mom guilt on me. I agree to stay and try harder. But it feels sensless. Am I being blind? Do my parents and friends and psychiatrists see something that I dont? Why am I the bad guy in all of this now? The one who is giving up?
How do you save this marriage?
We were just sort of joking about how I would wake up some mornings with Frank* (not his name) having sex with me, me complaining that I wanted to be left alone and him tellin me 'quiet! I'm almost done' to friends of ours one night. I was laughing along with my husband as we were telling them this since it never occured to me that this was not something husbands and wives normally do. One friend said...wow! that's ...that almost sounds like rape! I can see the expression on his face as clearly today as I did that night. He was really shocked, and his expression startled me. The wife asked, You say no and he still...? I said, well yeah...he doesnt listen. She said, OMG you shouldnt let him do that. I told her, let him? I laughed, like he will listen to me. They laughed it off kind of, with the husband of the pair saying, my wife would have me sleeping on the couch if I ever did that. She said, I would have you sleeping in a hotel while I was on a beach in Hawaii with my divorce laywer if you ever did that. I kind of saw red flags waving after that conversation. But I pushed them out of my mind.
About two months after that conversation, we were having sex about once a week at best and each time was more violent than the last. It disturbed me so I made excuses not to do it. He then would hold me down and do it anyways. One night, He held me down by my hair as I cried, "I am not a hole!" over and over again and then kicked me when he was finished. I slept on the couch for the next couple of weeks. He wasnt thrilled with the arrangement and let me know about it. We then had a party, Jan. 4th, had a lot of people over and he proceeded to get extremely drunk. I was not feeling well from mixing 4 diff kinds of alcohol ( i was not intoxicated this nite but must have had some bad combinations) After the last guest left, I was feeling ill but a bit 'frisky' and so was he but, suddenly nausea swept over me. He was trying to lead me upstairs to bed, when I said...gimme a sec, i think i am going to puke. At that point he became enraged and beat and raped me repeatedly for the next few hours in the most vile disgusting ways possible.
I asked him to leave the next morning when i got up. He saw the bruised face, the swollen eyes, the close to 65 welts on my back and buttocks and thighs, the rug burns on my back and shins from being dragged across the carpeting. He couldnt feel the pain on my scalp, where hair was pulled out and bumps were. Nor was he aware of the rectal bleeding I was having. He didnt feel the utter despair I felt when I woke up and found myself alive that day. So, of course, he wouldnt leave. He apologized repeatedly. Hasnt stopped since. It's been over a year now that it happened. We went for counseling..I was told to reframe the incident. they told me I was depressed (duh!) they put me on meds. He couldnt understand why I wasnt feeling better or forgiving him. We told our parents and siblings. They said we should try to make it work for the kids. No one was outraged! I couldnt believe the lack of support. They showed no signs of anger towards him at all. No disgust. No tears. No how could you do this. Nothing. It was as if it never happened, towards him. But to me, it was all... did you take your medicine today? You are awfully moody. When will you get it together and stop being so selfish and think of those kids? How could you be so heartless, suggesting divorce? My friends, just couldnt believe he could do that. They have all sort of drifted away thru all this. Who wants to hang with a messed up couple? I have drifted away since all of this. I try to forget it. But it comes back. 6 months of counseling left me feeling worse than when we started. I am fearful of going to another counselor because of it. I try to be nice to my husband but there is so much pain there, I usually end up snapping at him. We have had sex 6 times since that last time he raped me.... always when I am tipsy. I drink to forget it ever happened, and drink a lot when I think he is going to try something so I dont have flashbacks. I know this is not healthy in anyway shape or form. How do I get past this? He wont leave. I dont feel I should have to leave since I did nothing wrong. I dont want to take my kids out of their home. They have friends here and a divorce would be difficult enough on them. But he wont leave!!!!!!!!! I have begged. He owns the house though. And he said he will never leave it. Can this be saved? he says yes. I say no way in hell. But he claims to have spoken to psychiatrists who said people CAN come back from this and things can be stronger than ever. I dont see it. He killed whatever spirit was left in me that night. i care about him, I feel bad that he is hurting too, but I dont love him anymore, I cant forget what he did to me. I have told him repeatedly i want a divorce and he throws the Catholic Mom guilt on me. I agree to stay and try harder. But it feels sensless. Am I being blind? Do my parents and friends and psychiatrists see something that I dont? Why am I the bad guy in all of this now? The one who is giving up?
How do you save this marriage?

Pages
I would caution you to seek some allies before you go since your family may not be as supportive as most, but do so quickly. I have worked with battered women's shelters and taught workshops on the psycology of domestic violence for years and have resources all over the country. I would like to help you find someone to help if you don't feel safe or comfortable doing so on your own. At the bottom is my email address. I check it many times a day. I'll give you my phone numbers if you want to call me. You can even call me collect. I will do whatever I can to help you.
Ivy
georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com
No, I did not seek medical attention afterwards since my husband is an esteemed provider at 3 of the hospitals closest to my home. Also, I was afraid they would report him and he would be ruined career wise...which is a reason why I did not report him. Also, out of fear of my kids finding out what their father did. I just cannot have them knowing. Besides, the first 4 days after, I was in shock...I didnt sleep at all, ate very little, didnt bathe or answer the phone...I just sort of chain smoked cigarettes in my garage, barely getting my kids to and from school and fed. I found my way to the womens and childrens crisis center in town and finally did see a therapist the next week, now almost 2 weeks since the rape. She listened to my story, told me to make him leave. He wouldn't. (He was and is extremely remorseful and wants to make things ok between us again.) But this therapist said she has never handled a case of marital rape and didnt know of anyone who has. She was willing to help me get out, assist with lawyers and housing. job searches and such but said she was unable to help me if I was going to stay with him. I also was unable to find anyone specializing in marital rape when calling crisis lines. I have a hard time even finding other women who are married to the men who raped them. All seem to have left their husbands. And yet, another counselor we went to, my psychiatrist, my husbands psychiatrist, and our parish priest all seem to think that this can be worked through and our marriage can possibly be stronger as a result of it. This is what my husband is hanging onto. He believes there is hope because everyone is telling us there is. I am feeling guilty and wrong for wanting out. One therapist wants to do some sort of eye movement therapy on me so that I can eliminate negative feelings towards the event. (or something to that effect) I dont know if that is something I should do or not.
I know that when you all read my post, it all seemed very cut and dry...he raped you...you leave....but it isnt that simple.
I have been going back and forth in my head for over a year now since it happened. You all see him as a jerk and as a rapist, and at times i do too. But at times, I think of him as a flawed human being who made a horrible mistake, and is now trying to rectify it and change. He is the father of my children who love him dearly and he loves them. I used to love this man. We have a history and had dreams of a future. I cant say now that I love him, but i do care about him and feel bad for him because this is hurting him too. But at the same time, I cannot tolerate touching him or kissing him or anything to that effect...another thing that rapid eye movement therapy should erase.
He wants to save the marriage. I want out. But then again, I am the only one who will benefit from us getting divorced. Am I being selfish? Should I try this therapy thing and get it out of my mind for the sake of keeping my family together?
http://www.wellesley.edu/WCW/mrape.html
At the bottom of the page it gives books on the subject as well as a phone number and other resources.
Carrie
Thank you for even DOING the search......nice to know there are such compassionate caring people out there in this world.
You should not be feeling guilty for wanting what's best for you. If you stay, you are telling your kids that it's ok for dads to rape moms and for husbands to beat their wives. You are telling them that what you want as a wife and a mother and most importantly as a woman doesn't matter. You are telling them that even if you are being treated the way that women are treated in places like Iran your rights don;t matter when you are responsible for keeping a family together. Why on earth would anyone teach their kids that?
I find it disturbing that the best idea your therapist can come up with is an attempt to erase the harsh feelings and the memories of being raped. They are treating you like you are the one in the wrong and you are NOT. Your husband should be held accountable for his actions. He should be the one getting therapy to change himself...he is a rapist. You need to stand up for yourself and every other woman who has been a victim of spousal rape/abuse. The therapist even suggesting that you try to erase it is deeply insulting to you and your rights as a person. You are not an object, a hole or anything subservient to your husband and his "needs." You are a human being and deserve to be treated as such. Anyone who suggests that the abuse is your problem is mistreating you just as your husband was by raping you.
And I don't care how sorry he is, the abuse has gone on for years. This was not an isolated incident. It will happen again. He might even kill you one day. I hope to God you get out before then.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Ivy
georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com
all the best to you
Perhaps it would help for you to hear from someone who has been there. I can't judge you because it took the state removing my son from the home for almost a year before I could realize the damage that had been done. It took me THAT long before I would even consider trusting any of the people my ex-husband continually warned me against. My four daughters and I went into a domestic abuse shelter. I was paranoid, afraid and lonely. My ex-husband still had a strong hold on me for more than a year after I left him. I didn't love him, either, nor like him, but he kept quoting scripture about how a wife is supposed to be in subjection to her husband, etc.
The whole time we were at the shelter my oldest daughter, who was five years old, acted out. It wasn't until a week after we moved into an apartment that she told me she acted that way because she was afraid her dad would come and get us and think she had gone along with it. It took a number of months before the children would tell me all he had done.
People always wonder why women stay in abusive situations. I believe it's because from childhood, even infancy, they're conditioned to expect abuse. For me, it almost seemed presumptuous to imagine or hope for anything else.
It sounds like you come from an abusive family and extended family. I ADMIRE your courage to even attempt to reach-out and try to find better by writing a post to this board. Sometimes even counselors are all part of the abusive system.
However, I can tell you, from experience, that not everyone's like that. Not even the majority. Although it's taken me over two years to even believe in that possibility. We've been blessed by some very caring counselors, also. CPS coming into our lives was the best thing that ever happened to me and my children. Fortunately, you probably won't have to experience that.
I just hope you take the chance on others, although you'll have to still be careful. You DON'T have to tolerate abuse. You deserve better than that and GOD wants better for you than that, "I know the thoughts I have for you, for good and not for evil." People also tried to mess with my image of God, and it's taken years for me to trust Him. Entire families will twist the scriptures to try to make them say something God NEVER intended. Through my darkest moments, I always remembered Christ's words, "I came to give them life and life more abundantly." God cares about YOUR life. He has numbered every hair on your head, He knows when a sparrow falls. He has engraven YOUR name on the palms of His hands. Just don't give-up. Take heart that God loves you and there are those in the world that He works through to help us when we struggle.
In Malachi 2:14-15 God talks about how He will not hear those that deal treacherously with the wife of their youth. I have struggled with the issue of divorce as well. In fact, I didn't rest easy until my children told me my ex-husband was sneaking women into our home when I wasn't there, etc. However, before that, I studied how in verse sixteen it talks about the man covering his violence by placing blame on the wife. That made me feel A LOT better. One author I highly respect said that a man should not even breath a word about a wife being in subjection to her husband if he is course and unrefined himself. The one truth I rested upon was that God wouldn't condemn me for leaving an abusive situation. I didn't have to divorce or remarry if I wasn't comfortable with it. It took me over a year to decide to divorce him. You can take as long as you want and I doubt anyone will pressure you to divorce. No one pressured me, which I was grateful for. For the first time in my life, I was afforded with human dignity. You can be, too.
Please email me if you'd like at Charity58@msn.com. I want to help you all I can! I will tell you also that my life is much better now than it's ever been because of caring people. It's WORTH the struggle to break free. God Bless You!
I am so sorry that no one believed you or gave you any support or guidance. But now, it is going to be up to you to better your own life. There is a lot of help out there for women in your situation.
I could talk until I'm blue in the face, it won't make a difference. "But I love him." or "It's not him, it's me." There are millions of them everywhere. I haven't heard you make one excuse for him so I believe there is hope for you. I just hope you come to your senses and get out now.
So I thought.
He raped me again on Friday.
It is very very very hard for me to not think, "it's your own fault." I know it's not. I trusted him when he said he wouldnt do it ever again. I was wrong to do so. I will never make that mistake again.
He is out of the house now. He is really mad at me for not letting him stay, guess he has an exhausting week at work this coming week. Oh well, I said. I havent slept since it happened. Had to take my kids to a hotel the first night. He wouldnt leave and I was too dumbfounded to even think to call the police. But, when I can back home I told him to get out and not come back without a police escort because I am too afraid of him. Do you believe he had the nerve to tell me I was being ridiculous, that I know he wouldnt do anything me? He wants to go to marriage counseling again but I told him no way. I told him it is over and I am divorcing him. He thinks I am being hot headed and merely trying to prove something. Not sure what that is. He keeps at me about "what reason are you gonna give the kids for ruining their family?" Like this is my fault. He actually thinks the destruction of this marriage is my fault since he "is the only one fighting to save it".... his exact words. He doesnt seem to understand that he should be in jail. I dont know what is wrong with him. And I dont know why I cant seem to press charges. I tend to think that doing so isnt going to solve anything. He needs psychiatric help. I think I am going to get some too...at least to get some medication to help me sleep. But I really feel a sense of relief. This is finally going to end. I will be safe. My kids, god I worry about them, but I think we will be ok. I will probably have them talk to someone too, a counselor or someone. But we are going to ok.
I just wanted to thank you all who have posted with your support and encouraging words and to apologise for not heeding your warnings. You were right. And if anyone out there reading this post is in a similar situation, please dont be stupid like I was. Please know that others, outsiders, can see a situation so much more clearly than the person in the situation. I was soooooooo extremely lucky I was not killed this time, only damage was a bunch of bruises and a hole in one wall.
IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM BY SOMEONE YOU ARE LIVING WITH...GET OUT!!!!!!!!
Sadly, I am afraid you will be like me and say to yourself, but you dont know him, but i love him, but he doesnt mean it, but it's not THAT bad.
It is that bad.
You deserve to be safe.
He will not change.
Please love yourself and your children or other family members enought to get out, get help, get safe.
If you dont, you may not get a chance to post a thank-you-i-love-you-i-owe-you-my-life-note on this message board, like I am right now.
Don't kick yourself for not leaving the first time - we all want to believe the best in others - just as you would want to believe that about the father of your children.
For the future, you will know that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
Good luck and take good care.
Peace & Love
Coolas
Pages