how do you love your rapist/husband?
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how do you love your rapist/husband?
| Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:28am |
My husband and I have been married going on 12 years. The last one has been hell and the 4 preceeding that were fairly bad as well. About the time it all started sliding downhill, my husband was just embarking on a new business, one that kept him away from home for 12-16 hours a day. He now sees that his career took over his life for 3 years or so there, but at the time, he turned a deaf ear on my complaints of feeling like a single parent to our three kids, and nothing but a concubine for him...well, and cook and laundress. I begged to seek counseling because he would tell me I was crazy and that all men work like that, at least the successful ones, and that I should be greatful he was such a good provider. Well, of course I was greatful he was not some slug who didnt work or couldnt keep a job. He was, in fact, earning more money than I ever dreamed he could. But, I had no husband, no partner, no best friend in my life anymore. In fact, he became so apart from me, and I from him, we rarely had sex. At the time I didnt think I was withholding sex as a punishment or anything. I simply was falling out of love with him, and I needed to be in love with a man to make love to him. He, of course, didnt understand this, and thought that the only way we could be close was thru sex. So, I would go thru the motions once every couple of weeks thinking I was keeping him happy. But then , even that became a chore and another reason to resent him. I became increasingly bitter, cold and contemptuous toward him. When he would complain about the lack of sex, I would suggest counseling and he said I was crazy...he didnt need that. He would make attempts to spark things up, but I would have none of it. He, I felt, pushed me away, and I didnt want him anymore. I felt unloved, used, and crazy for feeling my feelings since he and everyone else seemed to think I had a perfect life. And you know, the whole " gotta stay together for the kids"-thing kept goin thru my mind. So we went thru cycles of being ok together, actually having sex and being kind/loving to rarely having sex and lots of contemptuous feelings. When these no sex phases came along, he would get me drunk (ok...I let myself get drunk) so i 'would be easier to take' he'd joke. It would work sometimes, but other times I would try to fight him off. I would generally give in though, he was stronger, the room was usually spinning from my overindugences, or I would be passed out on the bed and vaguely recall us having sex the night before. I would wake up mornings to him having his way with me. Any protest would lead to a struggle and him finishing anyways, so I would just let him, after a while, and I just gave up fighting.
We were just sort of joking about how I would wake up some mornings with Frank* (not his name) having sex with me, me complaining that I wanted to be left alone and him tellin me 'quiet! I'm almost done' to friends of ours one night. I was laughing along with my husband as we were telling them this since it never occured to me that this was not something husbands and wives normally do. One friend said...wow! that's ...that almost sounds like rape! I can see the expression on his face as clearly today as I did that night. He was really shocked, and his expression startled me. The wife asked, You say no and he still...? I said, well yeah...he doesnt listen. She said, OMG you shouldnt let him do that. I told her, let him? I laughed, like he will listen to me. They laughed it off kind of, with the husband of the pair saying, my wife would have me sleeping on the couch if I ever did that. She said, I would have you sleeping in a hotel while I was on a beach in Hawaii with my divorce laywer if you ever did that. I kind of saw red flags waving after that conversation. But I pushed them out of my mind.
About two months after that conversation, we were having sex about once a week at best and each time was more violent than the last. It disturbed me so I made excuses not to do it. He then would hold me down and do it anyways. One night, He held me down by my hair as I cried, "I am not a hole!" over and over again and then kicked me when he was finished. I slept on the couch for the next couple of weeks. He wasnt thrilled with the arrangement and let me know about it. We then had a party, Jan. 4th, had a lot of people over and he proceeded to get extremely drunk. I was not feeling well from mixing 4 diff kinds of alcohol ( i was not intoxicated this nite but must have had some bad combinations) After the last guest left, I was feeling ill but a bit 'frisky' and so was he but, suddenly nausea swept over me. He was trying to lead me upstairs to bed, when I said...gimme a sec, i think i am going to puke. At that point he became enraged and beat and raped me repeatedly for the next few hours in the most vile disgusting ways possible.
I asked him to leave the next morning when i got up. He saw the bruised face, the swollen eyes, the close to 65 welts on my back and buttocks and thighs, the rug burns on my back and shins from being dragged across the carpeting. He couldnt feel the pain on my scalp, where hair was pulled out and bumps were. Nor was he aware of the rectal bleeding I was having. He didnt feel the utter despair I felt when I woke up and found myself alive that day. So, of course, he wouldnt leave. He apologized repeatedly. Hasnt stopped since. It's been over a year now that it happened. We went for counseling..I was told to reframe the incident. they told me I was depressed (duh!) they put me on meds. He couldnt understand why I wasnt feeling better or forgiving him. We told our parents and siblings. They said we should try to make it work for the kids. No one was outraged! I couldnt believe the lack of support. They showed no signs of anger towards him at all. No disgust. No tears. No how could you do this. Nothing. It was as if it never happened, towards him. But to me, it was all... did you take your medicine today? You are awfully moody. When will you get it together and stop being so selfish and think of those kids? How could you be so heartless, suggesting divorce? My friends, just couldnt believe he could do that. They have all sort of drifted away thru all this. Who wants to hang with a messed up couple? I have drifted away since all of this. I try to forget it. But it comes back. 6 months of counseling left me feeling worse than when we started. I am fearful of going to another counselor because of it. I try to be nice to my husband but there is so much pain there, I usually end up snapping at him. We have had sex 6 times since that last time he raped me.... always when I am tipsy. I drink to forget it ever happened, and drink a lot when I think he is going to try something so I dont have flashbacks. I know this is not healthy in anyway shape or form. How do I get past this? He wont leave. I dont feel I should have to leave since I did nothing wrong. I dont want to take my kids out of their home. They have friends here and a divorce would be difficult enough on them. But he wont leave!!!!!!!!! I have begged. He owns the house though. And he said he will never leave it. Can this be saved? he says yes. I say no way in hell. But he claims to have spoken to psychiatrists who said people CAN come back from this and things can be stronger than ever. I dont see it. He killed whatever spirit was left in me that night. i care about him, I feel bad that he is hurting too, but I dont love him anymore, I cant forget what he did to me. I have told him repeatedly i want a divorce and he throws the Catholic Mom guilt on me. I agree to stay and try harder. But it feels sensless. Am I being blind? Do my parents and friends and psychiatrists see something that I dont? Why am I the bad guy in all of this now? The one who is giving up?
How do you save this marriage?
We were just sort of joking about how I would wake up some mornings with Frank* (not his name) having sex with me, me complaining that I wanted to be left alone and him tellin me 'quiet! I'm almost done' to friends of ours one night. I was laughing along with my husband as we were telling them this since it never occured to me that this was not something husbands and wives normally do. One friend said...wow! that's ...that almost sounds like rape! I can see the expression on his face as clearly today as I did that night. He was really shocked, and his expression startled me. The wife asked, You say no and he still...? I said, well yeah...he doesnt listen. She said, OMG you shouldnt let him do that. I told her, let him? I laughed, like he will listen to me. They laughed it off kind of, with the husband of the pair saying, my wife would have me sleeping on the couch if I ever did that. She said, I would have you sleeping in a hotel while I was on a beach in Hawaii with my divorce laywer if you ever did that. I kind of saw red flags waving after that conversation. But I pushed them out of my mind.
About two months after that conversation, we were having sex about once a week at best and each time was more violent than the last. It disturbed me so I made excuses not to do it. He then would hold me down and do it anyways. One night, He held me down by my hair as I cried, "I am not a hole!" over and over again and then kicked me when he was finished. I slept on the couch for the next couple of weeks. He wasnt thrilled with the arrangement and let me know about it. We then had a party, Jan. 4th, had a lot of people over and he proceeded to get extremely drunk. I was not feeling well from mixing 4 diff kinds of alcohol ( i was not intoxicated this nite but must have had some bad combinations) After the last guest left, I was feeling ill but a bit 'frisky' and so was he but, suddenly nausea swept over me. He was trying to lead me upstairs to bed, when I said...gimme a sec, i think i am going to puke. At that point he became enraged and beat and raped me repeatedly for the next few hours in the most vile disgusting ways possible.
I asked him to leave the next morning when i got up. He saw the bruised face, the swollen eyes, the close to 65 welts on my back and buttocks and thighs, the rug burns on my back and shins from being dragged across the carpeting. He couldnt feel the pain on my scalp, where hair was pulled out and bumps were. Nor was he aware of the rectal bleeding I was having. He didnt feel the utter despair I felt when I woke up and found myself alive that day. So, of course, he wouldnt leave. He apologized repeatedly. Hasnt stopped since. It's been over a year now that it happened. We went for counseling..I was told to reframe the incident. they told me I was depressed (duh!) they put me on meds. He couldnt understand why I wasnt feeling better or forgiving him. We told our parents and siblings. They said we should try to make it work for the kids. No one was outraged! I couldnt believe the lack of support. They showed no signs of anger towards him at all. No disgust. No tears. No how could you do this. Nothing. It was as if it never happened, towards him. But to me, it was all... did you take your medicine today? You are awfully moody. When will you get it together and stop being so selfish and think of those kids? How could you be so heartless, suggesting divorce? My friends, just couldnt believe he could do that. They have all sort of drifted away thru all this. Who wants to hang with a messed up couple? I have drifted away since all of this. I try to forget it. But it comes back. 6 months of counseling left me feeling worse than when we started. I am fearful of going to another counselor because of it. I try to be nice to my husband but there is so much pain there, I usually end up snapping at him. We have had sex 6 times since that last time he raped me.... always when I am tipsy. I drink to forget it ever happened, and drink a lot when I think he is going to try something so I dont have flashbacks. I know this is not healthy in anyway shape or form. How do I get past this? He wont leave. I dont feel I should have to leave since I did nothing wrong. I dont want to take my kids out of their home. They have friends here and a divorce would be difficult enough on them. But he wont leave!!!!!!!!! I have begged. He owns the house though. And he said he will never leave it. Can this be saved? he says yes. I say no way in hell. But he claims to have spoken to psychiatrists who said people CAN come back from this and things can be stronger than ever. I dont see it. He killed whatever spirit was left in me that night. i care about him, I feel bad that he is hurting too, but I dont love him anymore, I cant forget what he did to me. I have told him repeatedly i want a divorce and he throws the Catholic Mom guilt on me. I agree to stay and try harder. But it feels sensless. Am I being blind? Do my parents and friends and psychiatrists see something that I dont? Why am I the bad guy in all of this now? The one who is giving up?
How do you save this marriage?

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First, let me say that I am very sorry to hear that you had to experience such brutality again. take comfort in knowing that it doesn't ever have to happen again, and that you can still save yourself. Some of us are built with boundless patience and tragic optimism, forever searching for the best in others. As beautiful and noble as these souls are, they often put themselves in harms way out of naivity when faced with someone or something that truly is as bad as everyone says. You are one of these people. Don't worry about apologizing to us for not leaving, you will find no "I told you so's" here.
My offer still stands to tap into my domestic violence/spousal abuse resources wherever you are. I've worked with women in situations like yours for the past 6 years and know a lot of people. Please don't hesitate to email me if you need any help or even if you just want someone to talk to.
You have been in my thoughts and prayers al of these weeks. Thank God you are safe and strong enough now to do what is best for you and your children.
Your friend,
Ivy
georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com
oh dear funky! i am so sorry!!! i was thinking about you lately, hoping beyond hope that you are safe....
a very smart therapist told me once, when i said something about "why didn't i leave him sooner" ---- she stopped me and said "DON'T GO THERE". so i will tell you the same - you need to move forward FROM THIS POINT ON. i do believe, that we are able to leave an
::I tend to think that doing so isnt going to solve anything. He needs psychiatric help
Just maybe if you press charges the court will order him to get psych help.
Carrie
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