How Do You Nurture Your Relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
How Do You Nurture Your Relationship?
6
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 2:39am

My friend A, her boyfriend is cheating on her. Friend B, she's single with a stalker ex-boyfriend. Friend C, she's dating guys that just use her for sex. Friend D, she's engaged to a man who flirts with me (then I cut off his communication with me).

I am the ONLY one of my friends who has a healthy relationship. I want to have female friends who also have healthy relationships with their boyfriends or husbands.

Here are 5 ways I Nurture my Relationship with my Boyfriend (I feel like sharing & being positive):

1) SELF CARE: I take care of myself. I attend therapy, because I grew up in an abusive childhood & have abandonment issues. So I work on my self-esteem so I am an emotionally independent girlfriend.

2) MAKE HIM IMPORTANT: I mark my calendars of his "bad work days" (the day of the week that work is tough on him) & I don't make plans so I can give him dinner, sex & a 60 minute full body massage.

3) LISTEN, DON'T TAKE OVER THE CONVERSATION: I read John Grey's Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. I never give advice. I only listen and praise. Giving advice will make a guy feel incompetent and will hurt his ego.

4) ACCOMODATE: I clean his room. He's bad at cleaning. And I don't have a car. (I am 28 and live on my own and pay rent. He and I don't make much money. But he pays for a car, insurance & gas...so he can afford to drive us around. And I pay for most dates). So he helps me in his ways & I help back. (We both live in our own homes)

5) SEX: It's not very hard to give oral sex when I don't feel up to it. Intercourse requires a woman to be arroused and "wet" but oral sex is so easy & fun. Sex is way to emotionally connect (in a committed relationship).

I am envolved in online social groups...that meet in person. I made it a goal to meet female friends who have healthy relationships. I am tired of having no friends who relate to me =( AND!!!! My parents have a background of infedilty. My dad cheated on my mom for 11 years. That's why I am into all this psychology crap & I read so much. And my boyfriend is faithful. We have each other's email passwords, he makes me feel safe & secure.

***** tell me what you think. I just want to vent & get reassurance *****

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 11:18am

confident_resilient wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:large">My friend A, her boyfriend is cheating on her. Friend B, she's single with a stalker ex-boyfriend. Friend C, she's dating guys that just use her for sex. Friend D, she's engaged to a man who flirts with me (then I cut off his communication with me). </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">I am the ONLY one of my friends who has a healthy relationship. I want to have female friends who also have healthy relationships with their boyfriends or husbands. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">Here are 5 ways I Nurture my Relationship with my Boyfriend (I feel like sharing &amp; being positive): </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">1) SELF CARE: I take care of myself. I attend therapy, because I grew up in an abusive childhood &amp; have abandonment issues. So I work on my self-esteem so I am an emotionally independent girlfriend. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">2) MAKE HIM IMPORTANT: I mark my calendars of his "bad work days" (the day of the week that work is tough on him) &amp; I don't make plans so I can give him dinner, sex &amp; a 60 minute full body massage. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">3) LISTEN, DON'T TAKE OVER THE CONVERSATION: I read John Grey's Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. I never give advice. I only listen and praise. Giving advice will make a guy feel incompetent and will hurt his ego. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">4) ACCOMODATE: I clean his room. He's bad at cleaning. And I don't have a car. (I am 28 and live on my own and pay rent. He and I don't make much money. But he pays for a car, insurance &amp; gas...so he can afford to drive us around. And I pay for most dates). So he helps me in his ways &amp; I help back. (We both live in our own homes) </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">5) SEX: It's not very hard to give oral sex when I don't feel up to it. Intercourse requires a woman to be arroused and "wet" but oral sex is so easy &amp; fun. Sex is way to emotionally connect (in a committed relationship). </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large"> I am envolved in online social groups...that meet in person. I made it a goal to meet female friends who have healthy relationships. I am tired of having no friends who relate to me =( AND!!!! My parents have a background of infedilty. My dad cheated on my mom for 11 years. That's why I am into all this psychology crap &amp; I read so much. And my boyfriend is faithful. We have each other's email passwords, he makes me feel safe &amp; secure. </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">***** tell me what you think. I just want to vent &amp; get reassurance *****</span></p>

re: Friend C:  If, as you say, she's dating more than one man, then the common denominator is her--and perhaps she enjoys her arrangement and her definition of what is right for her.  Those guys can't use her without her permission.  All humans understand the meaning of the word "no" by the age of 18 months.

If your are confident and resiliant, then you don't need anyone's reassurances.  Just understand that what works for you is just that--you aren't your friends or anyone else you meet.

It might help if you stop looking for perfection in humans.  You'll always be disappointed.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 10:33am

I tend to agree with the PP that you're spending a little too much time comparing yourself to others, and looking for reasons to feel good about yourself.  Having said that, we all do that in some way or other, whether it's about relationships, careers, parenting, appearance, or whatever.

I do agree with some of the things you said but also with PP that you have to find what works and feels genuine for you.  I'd sum up the things that have made my relationship work for 30 years as:  (1) be the best person you can be for yourself and (2) be the best person you can be for the other person.  That means both people have to willing to be vulnerable, admit mistakes, and want to change things for the better.  If only one person in the relationship is interested in that, you quickly become a doormat for the partner who wants to be defensive and selfish, and then you're not being the best person you can be for yourself.  Being the best person you can be for yourself means setting boundaries and having healthy self-respect, and being strong enough to leave if the other person does not respect you.

You could also, if you are Christian, sum it up with the answer Jesus gave to the scribe who asked him what the greatest commandment was:  love God with all your heart, mind, soul & strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.  That means you have to love YOURSELF, others, and God.  All are important.  Follow that, and you're on your way to having a healthy life whether you're single or in relationships.  At least that's what I tell my kids.  And it's worked for DH & me for 30 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Wed, 03-06-2013 - 12:45pm
omg! I failed to mention that my friends have unhealthy relationships with their boyfriends & I am looking for someone who has a healthy relationship so I can get positive vibes....and it will keep my relationship good. I am not "comparing myself" to others. I am learning from right and wrong....
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 03-08-2013 - 6:01pm

confident_resilient wrote:
omg! I failed to mention that my friends have unhealthy relationships with their boyfriends

Actually, that was the very first thing you mentioned:

Quote:
My friend A, her boyfriend is cheating on her. Friend B, she's single with a stalker ex-boyfriend. Friend C, she's dating guys that just use her for sex. Friend D, she's engaged to a man who flirts with me (then I cut off his communication with me).

I am the ONLY one of my friends who has a healthy relationship.

Quote:
I am looking for someone who has a healthy relationship so I can get positive vibes....and it will keep my relationship good.

Actually, what will keep your relationship good has absolutely nothing to do with the friends you pick.  It completely has to do with you and how you proceed in a relationship.  Relationships are not ruled by committees of friends--they are ruled by the two people who agree to enter into them.

Quote:
I am not "comparing myself" to others.

The first thing you alluded to are the kinds of unhealthy relationships they have and how yours isn't.

Quote:
I am learning from right and wrong....

 Easiest way to do that is to cut them out of your life if you feel they are too much of a bad influence on you. but your way of doing things is great... ...for you and no one else. Everyone gets to figure out how they wish to proceed in life without the judgment of "so called" friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:58pm

so..............................................

I cut out the friends in my life who have unhealthy relationships or friend that are mean to me (same friends).

I get good support when I have a negative problem on this board.  But I don't feel I get the right support to keep up good work.  I think I will find another board to chat with.  Thank you for those who responded to me. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2008
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:59pm
I feel like you are attacking me. Did I say something to offend you? I wish you the best and happiness. Thank you for replying.