Still in the same realtionship that I have written about before. It's heading towards 5 months. I guess you could say our relationship is pretty typical (ar at least that's how I percieve it... if I am off, let me know). How do I see our relationship? Pretty one sided. I see me bending over backwards for him. Doing laundry, cooking him his favorite dinners all the time. Doing ~other favors~ for(to) him without him even asking and knowing I can't "recieve" at that time (catch my drift about what I am talking about here??). Following him all over God's creation showing my support for him and all his hobbies. And well, I am feeling like I am not getting what I deserve in return. If one of his buddies asks him to plan something far in advance, they say jump, he says "how high and do I have to ask off work??" but if I want to plan something, I get SOOO much grief and am told that he can't ask off work. Then I kindly remind him that he does it ALL the time for his buddies. Then he reluctantly say OK. I think that's CRAP!! Anyway, this weekend was a good example. I knew we weren't going anywhere because I promised him a "slug weekend" as we call it (he works MANY hours.. hardly has time off). SO, Friday I cooked him is absolute favorite meal, Saturday I surprised him with a "wake up" that most guys just dream of. And Sunday I cooked him breakfast (I'm a great cook). So, Sunday night, after not getting a single "Thank you. Appreciate it. Your the best!" from ANYTHING I had given him that weekend, I thought I was entitled to at least a little affection. We were watching a movie. I said "Hey, wanna come cuddle with me?" and he rolled his eyes at me. I said "Never mind..." and just laid there alone... And after all that?? MAN HE'S selfish!!! ANd to think, we've talked about getting married. We are already living together. Me? I'm in a position to build a rather nice house. So, since we've been together, I've included him in it as if he were going to be here for the long haul. Of course my name will be the only name on there. But still, if I am inviting you to be a part of my life and have THAT much to give... then gee, show a little appreciation.
Bottom line. I don't feel like he doesn't love me. I do know he does. But I would like our relationship a little less typical. I get so tired of hearing from women "Oh.. that's just how guys are.. I can't remember the last time my husband told me he loved me.." WHAT?!?!? Women... why do you stand for that?? Men should put us up HIGH and show us off for all the CRAP we put up with. I do NEARLY everything in the house (house work stuff) and if he washed the dishes one time... you would think he just earned a years vacation from responsibility. Guess what dear?? I work too. And I happen to have a very stressful professional career. So.. give me some credit. How do I nicely go about telling him "Honey, this typical crap has got to go. I want to be appreciated and I want you to show it. If you can't, you don't deserve to be a part of my life cuz I know I deserve more than this!!!" HOW do you nicely say that??
Yeah... I know, if this is all I have to worry about, then I should be shot thinking that I have problems...
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You are right. What you are getting is crap. He may not even realize that he's become complacent with you, though. In fact, if you were to dump him today, he'd probably have no clue why. That's why it's time to make your feelings about his lack of attention crystal clear. Lay it all out on the table. Don't be a bitch/nag about it, but don't make it sound like whining. Just be honest and straight with him, no B.S. or anything to read between the lines. Most guys appreciate this kind of approach. Don't think, how can I say this nicely. Think about how you can say it directly.
Good luck and please let us know how it turns out.
Ivy
When you do everything for your guy you end up being his mom. He doesnt wanna be passionate to his mom.
I wouldnt say a word. Simply stop being his mama and start being his lover. Stop cooking and the magical morning treats. He'll clue in pretty quick.
Best of luck.
~Ustaani
First of all, that special meal that I make for him?? Happens about once every 2 weeks. Other than that, he fends for himself or we work on it together when he gets home from work. And those morning treats on Sundays?? He asks for that. Its a tradition he's always had. Thridly, the "morning treat" that I gave him satruday was ALL ABOUT me being his lover... Nothing about food. And if I had my way, we'd make love, have sex or "get it on" what ever you want to call it.. EVERY DAY. I have to ask HIM for sex most days. So, I am VERY much a lover and mostly, more of a lover than most women. When I do his laundry, it's because he works 65 hours a week and doesn't have time to do it. He folds it himself and puts it away. What I want is some recognition for those "special" things that I do do for him. Like that dinner? That wasn't planned AT ALL. I thought about it at work that day. Hadn't cooked him a meal in 2 weeks or so before that. (Cuz I'm not his mom... )
Anyway, did you misunderstand me? Or am I crazy??
Men dont respond to words. they repond to actions. the less you do for him the more he will begin to appreciate what you have been doing for him. Then he will come your way and the fire will reignite. Like stop being so giving in bed to change a routine. No talk, no words. Just stop giving. Start recieving. Then when he gives you more be it whatever you start giving a little back, like the jujube installment plan referred to in the book. Believe me it works. Do his laundry whtaever only when he behaves. You have been giving even when he is complacent.
Another trick is to alter the pattern completely. Like is you cook every 2 weeks, make the dinner less often and timing random, esp if he has made you feel special first. Training a man is no different than training a dog. When you alter the pattern without words, he will be intrigued big time. then watch the compliments and adoration pour in.
~Cuddles
Ustaani
About the sex, if its such an issue, sometime with me too.......without inivitng him you could enjoy yourself lying next to him. Just dont ask him to do anything. Observe what HE does.
Dont even try to explain any of these changes in attitude to him. Dont ever tell him he will be waiting till he is given Mental Brownie points by you. You decide when its time for him to get a pat on the head or more as a reward. He will always be collecting these points esp if you tie in the package with sexual surprises. I will explain....dont do his laundry. Dont explain why. If he says, hey hon what about my laundry. You get him to load the machine and sit on top of it with your legs spread wearing spiky heels. Now thats poodle training with Attitude.
have fun
~Cuddles
Ustaani
Personally, I would not stay with such a selfish guy one moment longer!
And THEN, after I picked up on the undertone of an e-mail that I recieved from her and I said "WHat's up chick.. things ain't right.. SPILL..." she lays it on me that she's regretted getting married to this man nearly every day since. I was SHOCKED!! But still, I don't know of a single woman (well, except for you now) that has it any better. I'm nearly 30 (yes, young I know) and am SOOO ready to head to the next chapter of my life (marriage, kids, family, home) but it seems like I hit brick walls (or dead beats) all the time. This guy is the first that I have met that really does work his tail off (65 hours a week) won't let me pay for a thing, opens my car door every time (well nearly). SO, he offers me more than most have. I've divorced once already because he decided he was completely comfortable with ME bringing home the bacon (and believe me, I bring home the whole pig actually) and well, forgive the language, but that crap don't fly...
I feel like I am babbling on and on. Can you see at all where this is a tuff decision for me? Can you understand why I fight this battle in my head daily? (stay or go)? It's like, I did all that for him this weekend and didn't get crap out of it. Then we fall asleep together and he wakes up and I am all the way on the other side of the bed and he grabs me, pulls me close and BOOM... I fall in love all over again. Then, I get home from work, he gets home from work.. I've done everything.. and get nothing... This goes on for days.. and I am stewing in my daily battle (stay or go) and then, he tells me "I'm just so in love with you..." (haven't heard that in a LONG time..) and BOOM.. he reels me back in. See where I am coming from?? It's like he gives me just enough to keep me coming back. I would MUCH rather try to find a way to tell him... "You just don't give enough in return for all I do" and see if he CAN in some way BEFORE I give him the old heave ho.. ya know?? Grrrrr... I just HATE relationships. Maybe I should just go live in the mountains and get away from it all. But then agian, the mountais aren't too cuddly at night.
Bottom line: I don't want typical.
Reading material:
His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Do You Give More Than You Get?
Give too much and you risk losing your guy.
You're the perfect girlfriend — or as close as one can get. You send flowers when he's under the weather and love letters just because. You take him to the airport and pick him up — at rush hour. You whip up his favorite dishes and help him balance his checkbook. You forgive him his slights and sloppy habits — again and again. Now, he's acting disinterested, distant, even dismissive. Is it something you did?
Well, maybe it's something you overdid. "Women want to prove that they're valuable," says Deborah Burrell, a clinical social worker in New York City. "We're always trying to show dim-witted men that they'll be so much happier if they stay with us. Plus, we hope that if we're nice, if we give a lot, we'll get as much in return."
It doesn't always work that way. One woman admits: "I'm the type of person to give and give, and people walk over me even if they don't mean to. I've learned the hard way that compromising myself into submission does nothing but ruin the relationship. So where do you draw the line? How much should you give before you say, 'Enough already'?" To help level the love playing field, follow these do's and don'ts:
Don't necessarily do as your mother did.
"Our culture still expects women to be the givers," says Larry Gard, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist in Chicago. "And if you grew up around one-sided relationships, you may not even realize they should be two-sided." How to tell whether you're caught in the doormat trap? If, despite the fact that all your giving isn't working, your impulse is to give some more.
Don't blame your guy — entirely.
"If you're a giver by nature, people around you get used to it and learn to expect it," notes Lifetime community member Tink. Dr. Gard agrees, adding, "A man often won't leave this kind of one-sided relationship. Instead, he'll stay and exploit the situation." Adds Burrell, "When women give a lot, men get lazy. If you say, 'Hey I'll rent the video, pick up the groceries and cook the food,' he starts to get really comfortable. In the end, though, he might not choose you because he never has to work at — and get invested in — the relationship."
Do ask — nicely — for what you want.
If you battle over household chores (you do them; he watches TV), try encouraging a gradual transition to domestic equity. "Women often get fed up and say, 'I've been doing everything, so now I'm not going to do anything.'" says Burrell. A better approach: Acknowledge what he does do. "Say something like, 'I really appreciate it when you go food shopping,' or 'Thanks for emptying the garbage.' Then ask him to do a little more. By asking for a bit at a time, you take back some power."
Don't let resentment ruin your relationship.
The danger in giving too much is that you expect an equal amount in return. "When that doesn't happen, it's easy to feel resentful, which makes having an openhearted connection difficult," Burrell says. Ironically, the person on the receiving end of all that giving may wind up feeling resentful, too. It's no fun always being the bad guy, or feeling obligated to give in return. "The sense of obligation and guilt," says Gard, "may force him to walk away."
Carrie
I have learned that if I want something from him, I have to ask for it directly. "Can you take the trash out please?" "This is where I want to go on vacation." "I want us to go have dinner with MY friends this night." ... I have discovered that this approach works with him as opposed to my saying "Can you help more around the house?" "I wish you would let me pick somewhere to go on vacation." or "I wish we could hang out with my friends every once in a while..." But, it doesn't come without attitude. And I ALWAYS thank him for doing the dishes or taking out the trash. I don't know when he EVER thanked me for doing the dishes, taking the trsh out, cleaning the house from top to bottom. It bugs me SOOOO much that they act like it's OUR JOB. If I didn't work full time and just stayed home, sure, I should take more responsibility at home. BUT, I DO work full time. I deserve recognition and something in return. I just don't know. I'm up. I'm down. I'm in. I'm out. This is starting to take a toll on me. I HAVE recieved a LOT of great advice and I am going to take it home and try it out and see what happens. And be sure I'll keep everyone posted. Just SOOO much work.
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