How do you say "I need more" nicely???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
How do you say "I need more" nicely???
22
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:46am
Still in the same realtionship that I have written about before. It's heading towards 5 months. I guess you could say our relationship is pretty typical (ar at least that's how I percieve it... if I am off, let me know). How do I see our relationship? Pretty one sided. I see me bending over backwards for him. Doing laundry, cooking him his favorite dinners all the time. Doing ~other favors~ for(to) him without him even asking and knowing I can't "recieve" at that time (catch my drift about what I am talking about here??). Following him all over God's creation showing my support for him and all his hobbies. And well, I am feeling like I am not getting what I deserve in return. If one of his buddies asks him to plan something far in advance, they say jump, he says "how high and do I have to ask off work??" but if I want to plan something, I get SOOO much grief and am told that he can't ask off work. Then I kindly remind him that he does it ALL the time for his buddies. Then he reluctantly say OK. I think that's CRAP!! Anyway, this weekend was a good example. I knew we weren't going anywhere because I promised him a "slug weekend" as we call it (he works MANY hours.. hardly has time off). SO, Friday I cooked him is absolute favorite meal, Saturday I surprised him with a "wake up" that most guys just dream of. And Sunday I cooked him breakfast (I'm a great cook). So, Sunday night, after not getting a single "Thank you. Appreciate it. Your the best!" from ANYTHING I had given him that weekend, I thought I was entitled to at least a little affection. We were watching a movie. I said "Hey, wanna come cuddle with me?" and he rolled his eyes at me. I said "Never mind..." and just laid there alone... And after all that?? MAN HE'S selfish!!! ANd to think, we've talked about getting married. We are already living together. Me? I'm in a position to build a rather nice house. So, since we've been together, I've included him in it as if he were going to be here for the long haul. Of course my name will be the only name on there. But still, if I am inviting you to be a part of my life and have THAT much to give... then gee, show a little appreciation.

Bottom line. I don't feel like he doesn't love me. I do know he does. But I would like our relationship a little less typical. I get so tired of hearing from women "Oh.. that's just how guys are.. I can't remember the last time my husband told me he loved me.." WHAT?!?!? Women... why do you stand for that?? Men should put us up HIGH and show us off for all the CRAP we put up with. I do NEARLY everything in the house (house work stuff) and if he washed the dishes one time... you would think he just earned a years vacation from responsibility. Guess what dear?? I work too. And I happen to have a very stressful professional career. So.. give me some credit. How do I nicely go about telling him "Honey, this typical crap has got to go. I want to be appreciated and I want you to show it. If you can't, you don't deserve to be a part of my life cuz I know I deserve more than this!!!" HOW do you nicely say that??

Yeah... I know, if this is all I have to worry about, then I should be shot thinking that I have problems...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:19pm
I hear you.... I have to be direct with my boyfriend too. If I leave something vague, he doesn't get it. LOL

Another good book: The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner

The change in attitude..... this book talks about how if you have always behaved a specific way, a way people get use to, when you try to change yourself, some people will get angry, manipulative, etc. to try and get you back in the circle, back in the pattern, back to the way you always been, back to what they expect.

Hang in there.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:36pm
Thank you. I will. I always do hang in there. I may be weak at heart, but when it comes down to what is best for me in the long run, I always find it. I am going to give those books a look-see. And of course, keep you "posted".

Much thanks!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 1:41pm

Well, I'm far from the only woman I know who has had mostly "equal" relationships, so those men DO exist ;-); they are not just the exception to the rule.


I think a good course of action would be to implement the suggestions in the article Itwinflame posted, and see if that leads to improvement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:20pm
sorry hun, the mans a dog. he doesnt appericiate anything you do for him. so stop doing it for him. next time he asks a favor, roll YOUR eyes at him and sigh. see how he likes it. through him a little loop, make him start to work for it again. if he doesnt want to actaully put effort into you, show him the door!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:25pm
"Luck" really doesn't have much to do with getting emotionally healthy. And THAT is what a person HAS to be in order to find a healthy, happy relationship. If you accept chopped liver for yourself, why expect it to turn out to be prime rib? I will never understand women who settle for this type of crap and then can't understand why they're unhappy? You chose it. Choose something better and you'll be happier! Poor choices = unhappiness. Period. That is the bottom line. How sad you don't know anyone who's in a happy relationship. My marriage is an equal partnership and we've had many happy and satisfying years together. We're best friends, passionate lovers, etc. etc. I won't even describe my husband to you or you'd think I was making it up (from what you say in your post) and no, he isn't perfect, but neither am I (nobody is). But don't believe that crap about all guys being duds like yours and your gf's husbands. There ARE men who are mature, giving, sensitive, caring, attentive, considerate, reliable and faithful. The key is that they're looking for women who are emotionally healthy and happy individuals to share in an emotionally healthy relationship. They're not going to settle for less. In other words, as you are finding out, people who are willing to settle gravitate and find one another and form unhappy, dysfunctional relationships. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:28pm
I think you need to read the book Men are from mars, women are from venus and get a better understanding of men. I also think you need to find some more interests or things to do without him and give him and your relationship some more space. Give him a chance to come to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 6:51am
Well, I still don't know where this is headed and where I am headed. Some days, it seems like I am headed closer to the door. Or rather shoving him out of it. Last night the genious made one horrible comment to the guys about not understanding women, etc. Don't want to say what it was cuz then I would have to go into what my thoughts about it were.. and well, that's scary stuff. Anyway, this crap he said was something I would expect a guy to say when he was just out with his buddies and NOT while I was sitting right there. He's such a smart guy sometimes. Then again, I could thank him when he does stuff like that beause when I am thinking about leaving him and can't make up my mind, that sort of thing makes it SOOOO much easier.

I just don't know. He has a ~few~ good points to him. I haven't hardly opened a door for myself since we've been together. He is a great lover. Not always "loving" but still... And then there is the thought of being out there in the dating world again. That makes me sick to my stomach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 2:56pm
Honey, WHY are you concerned with being nice about getting what you want, need and deserve?! DEMAND it!! You are being totally taken advantage of, and he knows it. Why would he give you anything you want? He gets everything he wants and more handed to him on a silver platter with out you even giving him the inkling to EARN it. Being in a relationship is about loving and being loved. Quit the doormat attitude, Get some balls and stand up for yourself! You are letting him do this to you! By rewarding him over and over, you are just telling him that this behavior is acceptable, and if it was you wouldn't be asking us for help. What's up with him? Can't he cook YOU a meal or two? Can't he let you feel what he feels when you treat him like a god? Youv'e been too nice already, and to the wrong person. Be nice to yourself for once and make him do for you. Be straight forward, no cowardess "Um, well, maybe, I was kinda thinking..." talk. No holds barred. "I feel neglected." "I need to be satisfied sexually." (That'll get his attention! No man wants to hear he's not making fireworks in the bedroom!!) Shine a spotlight on your issues so bright that he can't ignore it anymore. His response to your demands will show his true colors and the reason why he's in this relationship to begin with. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 3:30pm
I know how you feel. Women are expected to wait on their men hand and foot. When we get into a commited relationship, we also get a lot of titles with it... Mother, Maid, Sex Slave... but only when THEY want it, Laundromat, Chef, and the list goes on and on. It isn't right, it isn't fair, and we hate it. But, is there anything we can do about it?? Men think when we ask for a little gratitude, we are automatically "bitching". When the reality is... we just want them to do something thoughtful once in a while. How hard is it to stop at Halmark and grab a card... Stop at Kroger and grab a rose... Go to Ben and Jerry's and get our favorite Ice Cream?? They just don't think about it.

So, my advice for you... don't do it. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning up after him, don't mention "Our" house, no more morning favors, nothing. And once he sees just what you do for him, he will be a little more grateful and in turn show you the appreciation that you want and deserve. And if he doesn't... then he isn't the one that you are supposed to be with.

In that case, move on... I guarantee that there is some one out there that will appreciate you and you will be asking yourself what in the hell you were ever doing with this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 6:19am
Well, I'm not sure what to say here. I've been waitig for the right moment to, ya know, have "the talk" with him but I haven't had the chance. Why you ask? Because he's been absolutely wonderful lately. Very affectionate. Very attentive. We've made wonderful love two nights in a row and I didn't have to ask either time. Hugs, kisses, and "I love you's" the past several mornings. We haven't fought (or rather intently discussed things we disgree on -- we really don't fight. I hate fighting) in days... Things have just felt so right. All I can figure is, one, he woke up on his own and thought "I'd better shape up or ship out" or, he found my pile of replys from here that I printed out and read them and realized he was being crappy. However he came to this conclusion, I don't really care. Right now I feel like he's more of a man and less of a slug. Lets hope he stays that way... well, most of the time. Can't ask for your dream boat 24/7 ;-)! And thanks again, Ladies and Gents. I won't forget the advice. I'll save it for if/when he falls back to his old ways. Lets hope that doesn't happen!!