How do you say "I need more" nicely???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
How do you say "I need more" nicely???
22
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 7:46am
Still in the same realtionship that I have written about before. It's heading towards 5 months. I guess you could say our relationship is pretty typical (ar at least that's how I percieve it... if I am off, let me know). How do I see our relationship? Pretty one sided. I see me bending over backwards for him. Doing laundry, cooking him his favorite dinners all the time. Doing ~other favors~ for(to) him without him even asking and knowing I can't "recieve" at that time (catch my drift about what I am talking about here??). Following him all over God's creation showing my support for him and all his hobbies. And well, I am feeling like I am not getting what I deserve in return. If one of his buddies asks him to plan something far in advance, they say jump, he says "how high and do I have to ask off work??" but if I want to plan something, I get SOOO much grief and am told that he can't ask off work. Then I kindly remind him that he does it ALL the time for his buddies. Then he reluctantly say OK. I think that's CRAP!! Anyway, this weekend was a good example. I knew we weren't going anywhere because I promised him a "slug weekend" as we call it (he works MANY hours.. hardly has time off). SO, Friday I cooked him is absolute favorite meal, Saturday I surprised him with a "wake up" that most guys just dream of. And Sunday I cooked him breakfast (I'm a great cook). So, Sunday night, after not getting a single "Thank you. Appreciate it. Your the best!" from ANYTHING I had given him that weekend, I thought I was entitled to at least a little affection. We were watching a movie. I said "Hey, wanna come cuddle with me?" and he rolled his eyes at me. I said "Never mind..." and just laid there alone... And after all that?? MAN HE'S selfish!!! ANd to think, we've talked about getting married. We are already living together. Me? I'm in a position to build a rather nice house. So, since we've been together, I've included him in it as if he were going to be here for the long haul. Of course my name will be the only name on there. But still, if I am inviting you to be a part of my life and have THAT much to give... then gee, show a little appreciation.

Bottom line. I don't feel like he doesn't love me. I do know he does. But I would like our relationship a little less typical. I get so tired of hearing from women "Oh.. that's just how guys are.. I can't remember the last time my husband told me he loved me.." WHAT?!?!? Women... why do you stand for that?? Men should put us up HIGH and show us off for all the CRAP we put up with. I do NEARLY everything in the house (house work stuff) and if he washed the dishes one time... you would think he just earned a years vacation from responsibility. Guess what dear?? I work too. And I happen to have a very stressful professional career. So.. give me some credit. How do I nicely go about telling him "Honey, this typical crap has got to go. I want to be appreciated and I want you to show it. If you can't, you don't deserve to be a part of my life cuz I know I deserve more than this!!!" HOW do you nicely say that??

Yeah... I know, if this is all I have to worry about, then I should be shot thinking that I have problems...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:51pm
sorry to sound pessimistic - but I doubt he's just suddenly been overcome with what constitutes and equal and loving partnership. he is playing nice to get you to accept him again - remain skeptical. Don't be so quickly impressed by his 'change of heart' When he has done it consistently for a LONG period of time, then you can believe he may actually have changed.

No one is perfect - buy you are willing to settle for just ok. You get exactly what you settle for so why not settle for something that's really great?

you are are waiting for him to go back to his same ole self. Why? You are more afraid of life without him than you are unhappy. That is sad. To you, being in a bad relationship is better than being single. I am quite happy in my singleness. Have I always been? no. Do I get lonely? you bet. But I have lots of friends who love me and provide the comfort I need to get through those times.

I hope you will find the courage to find true happiness in yourself.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:25am
I completely understand what you are saying.. First I would talk to him about it nicely and let him know how you are feeling.. If he wants to help and make a change great allow him some time but not too much time.. If he doesn't change then you need to reevaluate this relationship.. Cause it will never change.. Yes you probably love him but doesn't mean your meant to be with him or treated like this.. So it kinda up to you to decide if you want to be taken for granted or stick up for yourself and either change the situation and if it doesn't change move on or this will cause you to write more and more complaints.. People in general mean dn women deserve the respect.. Yes men do act this way but so do women .. And people need to be called on it.

ANd for women that say thats just the way men are and do nothing about it.. They are weak , insecure women that have no self worth and are pathetic and will stay in situations like this just because they are needy and desperate for someone to be with them.But they either lie about hwo happy they are or just complain there whole lives..


My two cents

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 6:13am
Well, I did it. I "told him like it is... Two things were discussed. If he can't change, then it's going to cause us to go our separate ways. It was so hard for me to say how I felt, but once the words started coming out, I just couldn't quit. I got it all off my chest. And if it weren't for the fact that I ate chocolate ice cream before bed, I would have slept great. With a clean clear head. I said my peace. Now it's time for him to shape up or ship out. I've told him that should I choose to build my house, I may or may not invite him to live with me. I WILL NOT let myself get pregnant before we are married (he's asked me to go off the pill now... NO WAY). He's got to prove him self to be a man. And put a ring on my finger (which I may or maynot except) and well, then we'll talk about being partners for life. Until then, he's got a lot of thinking to do and a lot of things to take into consideration. I think he was shocked that I had the balls to stand up for my self and tell him that I won't be taken advantage of. And for some strange reason, when we went to sleep last night, I said one last thing to him. I said "I'm glad we had our talk. Now I am stress free. I've got nothing that's expected of me. Any choice I make in the future, will be made for me and me alone." Shortly after I said that, he rolls over and tells me he forgot to "give me my goodnight kisses..." and well, he attacked me. (in a nice way ladies... ;-)!" Hmmmm... am I figuring out how to take the upper hand?? There is something to be said about "a man loves a b*tch..." What a night. I feel SOOOO much better. And the funny thing is, it might mean living without him. And I am ok with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:03pm
I have to say I disagree with your viewpoint that standing up for yourself and not being a doormat is equal to being a bitch.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:47pm
Oh.. you took it the wrong way. I was referrencing a book that someone mentioned in an earlier reply to my post. It was more of a joke. No, I DO NOT think I am being a b*tch. Rather just standing up for myself!!

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