How to Forgive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
How to Forgive?
3
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 8:11pm

I really need some advice on helping me forgive and move on from being hurt. My boyfriend (Tom) and I have been together for about 2 and a half years now. We have always had a loving and wonderful relationship. He has ALWAYS been good to me. He's always had a lot of friends that are girls, which never really bothered me because I always felt like his one and only. Now that we've been together for a while, he doesn't talk to a lot of girls that he used to, and the ones that he does, I am friends with too. The only issue I have ever had with him was this friend (Fran) ~ I had never met her because she moved to Japan before Tom and I started dating. They have been friends for around 8 years. He has told me that they have NEVER dated, but just had a great friendship and had always been there for each other. Apparently they helped each other out during a rough time for both of them. He had tried to get us to meet when she was in town (Tom and I had been together for about 6 months at the time). He gave me her number and I called her to see if she wanted to go to eat dinner where Tom was working, but she said she had plans. Well, I got upset a couple months later because I saw in an email from Fran to him that she had gotten mad at him for having me call her and she said in her email "I have no interest in getting to know your girlfriend. Let's keep what's between us between us." I confronted him and he assured me that she just had a temper and was mad that he gave her no warning that I was going to call. I also mentioned that I don't like that they have nick-names for each other: she calls him "my june bug." And she would tell him that she loved him all the time. I told him that it was fine if they had that kind of relationship in the past, but I don't like it now that we are together. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he has never given me a reason to feel threatened.

Well, recently, about three weeks ago, I found some more emails written back and forth between them. They were actually from about a year ago, but were just so painful to read. One email was from Tom to Fran on Valentine's Day saying how much he loved her and how he'll always be there for her.
Around this time last year, Tom had mentioned this trip to Cambodia that him and his friend Sam were talking about going on. Well, he never mentioned anything about her, but I found emails to Fran talking about the trip. He said in his email that he always wanted to travel more and thought how great it was that she got to travel a lot. He specifically wrote "I'll never forget what I said to you that day at the park and I think this trip would be awesome for us." At least the part about Sam going was true, he just left out the fact that Fran would be going. That's probably because he knew how I felt about there relationship. The trip never happened but it still tore me up inside! I was so hurt to see that, even though I didn't know exactly what it was that he said. He would also write to her telling her how much he missed her and wanted her to move back. He also adimitted to me that Fran told him that if neither one of them are married in 15 years, that she wants to marry him. He admitted to being flattered by her saying that. To me, it seems obvious that she had more than just friendly feelings toward her.

The good thing is that through all these emails, he never said anything negative about me to her. In one email he said "My girlfriend is 1/4 German, but 100% sweet to me." And in another email he said "My girlfriend and I are on cruise control." In an email that was written recently after the whole trip thing, Tom wrote to her about him and I moving in together. And how things with us were great. (We moved three states away and have been living together for almost a year now, and before we moved in together, he bought me a "pre-engagement" ring to show me that he's committed to me. He's recently told me that he wants to upgrade to an engagement ring sometime this year!)

Anyways...I saw these emails 3 weeks ago (that were written about a year ago), and we are STILL fighting everyday about it. He is being as understanding and patient as he can. He says that he knows his judgement was bad, but he always had the best of intentions. I know this is true, but it still hurts so badly to know that he would have this type of relationship with a girl other than me. That probably sounds selfish, but I just feel like it takes the specialness out of our relationship. But I think back when I had surgery about a year ago (when these emails were being typed) and he was there for me throughout every step. He has never shown me anything but love and affection and compassion. He is a great person and takes his friendships and relationships very seriously. He tells me that Fran has always told him that he is the only one that she could ever really count on and trust, so he felt an obligation to live up to that. He told me that every other man in her life (father, brother, boyfriends) has been mean to her, and he wanted to prove to her that there were still good guys out there. Okay, that's sweet and everything, but I feel like he should be just about ME. I know that's selfish, and I definitely have feelings of insecurity and inadaquecy, but I think this would upset any girl that loved her boyfriend, right? I keep thinking to myself, what did I not do for him to make him want to go and say those things to another girl?
I am so deeply hurt by this, and it constantly dwells in my mind. I want to forgive and move on, but I am having an extremely hard time doing this. I keep bringing things up from the emails and getting mad at him every day. He is doing his best to treat me like a queen: He gives me daily massages, tells me how much he loves me and what I mean to him, makes me dinner every night, helps me with things I need to get done, keeps getting me sweet cards, buys me little presents, and so on and so forth.... and I wish it would help, but for some reason it doesn't. I still feel so betrayed. I keep blaming him for being the one to sabatoge out relationship, but now I'm starting to feel like I am the one doing the sabatoging because I can't get over this. I am feeling so depressed and confused. The pain is more than I can bare!!
Tom tells me that the first step to moving on is to believe him when he says that he never had feelings for her, and his feelings for me never waivered. But it's so hard to believe that right now when I am so hurt. Even though his actions have never made me feel that way.
I just really need some advice on how to forgive and move on. Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 11:59pm

Welcome to the board tigershine,


I would highly recommend the two of you attend pre-martial counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 6:50pm
I agree with Carrie - you should go for premarital counseling. It sounds to me like your bf is having an emotional affair with this woman - or perhaps even leading her on seeing as how she is interested in him romantically. I don't think you are at all over-reacting to this woman. An ex (even a semi-ex) who won't let go can be a definite threat to a relationship - she can cause so much conflict between the couple that they will break up over her behavior. Then the ex-g has her ex-b right back where she wants him - single. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 10:08pm
Thanks for the replies! (iridiumite - she's actually not an ex, just a long time close friend). He is willing to go to counceling, and is actually pressing the issue. I know he loves and cares for me, and I want to work it out. I am finding to very difficult to forgive, yet I know it is necessary for not only our relationship (if it's gonna work), but for my own peace of mind. I find myself not trusting him, and I worry about it happening again in the future. God forbid we are married and this happens!!
Thanks again.