How to forgive cheating?
Find a Conversation
How to forgive cheating?
| Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:10pm |
My husband and I met four years ago? We both had been in long term relationships were I had been married for 11 years and he had been married for 8 years. We both got divorced with in the first year that we met. I had been separated from my x-husband for only 2 months when I met my new husband. He had been separated for 8 months when we met. Both of our relationships had ended because our x's cheating. I have 3 children and he has 3 children. I moved away from VA to NC to get away from my x and start a new life. This is where I met my husband today. I really thought that things would be different with this man since basicly he had been hurt the same way as me. I really trusted that we would have a great relationship. My husband today has a problem with drinking and drugs. Which I didn't know about til it was too late. During the first six months that we were together he got drunk one night and went to a bar met a old girlfriend and spent the night with her. This was just after I had moved in with him. I had been living with him for about 3 months at this time. He told me that he was going to a friends house, but instead went to a bar and went home with another woman. He left the house at 5pm that evening and did not return home til 10am the next day. I was so upset and it was really hard for me to get over, but I did get over it because he told me that he loved me that it ment nothing to him that he just got stupid and made a mistake. Three years later we got married. We have only been married for 10 months now. That brings us up to date. This pass weekend may 1, 2004. My husband has been out of work since dec. 2003. He got layed off. He just started a new job making more money than he ever had. I had to quit my job of almost two years because his children live with us, and he would have to work 12 swing shifts. So you know that it would be hard to find a babysitter for those kind of hours. He would be making enough money that I wouldn't need to work. I really thought thing were starting to look up for us.
I had to go do the shopping before he went back to work on Monday. He started drinking saturday may the 1st 2004. I left at 3pm to go do the family shoping. I get home at 6pm. My husband is not here. He left his kids at a neighbors home. I asked the kids where daddy was and they said that he went to meet Rob. Which is a friend of his. 2 hours later and he's not home. I call Rob's home and his wife says that he can't be meeting my husband because he's babysitting. So I get the kids in the car and go out looking for him. He's not at none of his friends houses our any of the near by clubs. I go home and I wait and wonder where could he be, knowing all the time what's going on. He finally comes in at 4:30am sunday morning. He tells me that he's been fishing down by the river next to our home. That he got his truck stuck in the mud and is going to need some help getting it out. He is so drunk the can barely make it to the bedroom. He gets up ten different times in the middle of the night throwing up. He is scratching all night and talking in his sleep about sex. I can't sleep I get up and I look through his pants pocket. I found a condom rapper. I get in my car go down to the river and walk down the road to see how bad the truck was. I find a used condom laying right there in the front seat of the truck. The truck is so burred in the mud and turned side ways I'm thinking how are we ever gonna get it out of here.
I return home. My husband is still passed out in bed at 11am. I am so pissed cause I just know that he has been with someone else. I look in his wallet and he has no money at all in there. I got to the bedroom and I lay in to him. He told me that he found the condom outside on the ground and put it in his pocket so the kids wouldn't pick it up. I said then how did it get opened and look like it's been used laying on the seat of your truck. He makes up some other STUPID excuse. So I am ready to pack my bags and get the heck out of here. But there where the children to think about. He's still in bed passed out getting up and throwing up. I mean I have never seen him that sick before. I sit in the living room watching movie after movie. By this time it's 8pm and he is just getting up. He asks if I will go help him get his truck out. I said go get who ever you were with to help you get it out. We started talking he says that he don't remember being with anyone else, but he snorted pills up his nose at a neighbors house. He don't remember where he was before he got to the river. He said that he told me those lies because when I first starting asking him about it he didn't remember what he had done. He said that he thought oh god what have I done and just starting make up things. We go to bed that night. The next day is monday and he is supposed to go to work. The four day on the job and he calls in says that he's still sick. His last job he was there six years. Anyway this man calls on the phone some guy that he had gone to his house on saturday. When he gets off the phone he tells me I know where the money went (it was only 30 dollars)I bought pills of this guy that lives in hightpoint. He said that he didn't remember going there til this man called him. We borrow a 4 wheel drive from someone we know and went down to get the truck out of the mud. We get down there and were hooking up the truck to pull it out and in the bed of the truck is a piece of a condom rapper. I said look there's another piece and you don't remember being with anyone. I go get in the jeep and he gets in the truck and we pull it out. We get it home and there is a big dent in the finder with yellow paint on it. I ask what did he hit he says he barely remembers hitting some concret thing. What I'm wonder is how can he remember doing drugs next door and going to highpoint and getting stuck in the mud, but can't remember being with someone else.
To make matter worse. He asks me to please forgive him that he didn't know what he was doing. That he loves me and he don't want to lose me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
To make things even worse he confesses to me that he was sexualy abused by his dad and his brother when he was a child. I think this is why he drinks and does the pills. I know that his dad had abused his sisters cause the one sister is in a metal institution. Has been since she was twelve years old. She was the one that finally told someone about the abuse after 12 years. When his dad was about to be convicted of this he killed him self. I asked my husband before if he had ever been abused but he told me know. My husband is the youngest of 6 children all of which were sexualy abused by there dad. The two older brothers were sexualy abusing the sisters and now I find out that my husband was also sexualy abused by his dad and his one brother. You would not believe the things that he told me had happened to him. He said that he never told anyone about this not even his x wife of 8 years. I feel like he is trusting me. I want to trust him that he didn't know what he was doing that night and that he don't remember. I know that my husband really needs help and he said that he would get it. But how? We don't have that kind of money. PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
I had to go do the shopping before he went back to work on Monday. He started drinking saturday may the 1st 2004. I left at 3pm to go do the family shoping. I get home at 6pm. My husband is not here. He left his kids at a neighbors home. I asked the kids where daddy was and they said that he went to meet Rob. Which is a friend of his. 2 hours later and he's not home. I call Rob's home and his wife says that he can't be meeting my husband because he's babysitting. So I get the kids in the car and go out looking for him. He's not at none of his friends houses our any of the near by clubs. I go home and I wait and wonder where could he be, knowing all the time what's going on. He finally comes in at 4:30am sunday morning. He tells me that he's been fishing down by the river next to our home. That he got his truck stuck in the mud and is going to need some help getting it out. He is so drunk the can barely make it to the bedroom. He gets up ten different times in the middle of the night throwing up. He is scratching all night and talking in his sleep about sex. I can't sleep I get up and I look through his pants pocket. I found a condom rapper. I get in my car go down to the river and walk down the road to see how bad the truck was. I find a used condom laying right there in the front seat of the truck. The truck is so burred in the mud and turned side ways I'm thinking how are we ever gonna get it out of here.
I return home. My husband is still passed out in bed at 11am. I am so pissed cause I just know that he has been with someone else. I look in his wallet and he has no money at all in there. I got to the bedroom and I lay in to him. He told me that he found the condom outside on the ground and put it in his pocket so the kids wouldn't pick it up. I said then how did it get opened and look like it's been used laying on the seat of your truck. He makes up some other STUPID excuse. So I am ready to pack my bags and get the heck out of here. But there where the children to think about. He's still in bed passed out getting up and throwing up. I mean I have never seen him that sick before. I sit in the living room watching movie after movie. By this time it's 8pm and he is just getting up. He asks if I will go help him get his truck out. I said go get who ever you were with to help you get it out. We started talking he says that he don't remember being with anyone else, but he snorted pills up his nose at a neighbors house. He don't remember where he was before he got to the river. He said that he told me those lies because when I first starting asking him about it he didn't remember what he had done. He said that he thought oh god what have I done and just starting make up things. We go to bed that night. The next day is monday and he is supposed to go to work. The four day on the job and he calls in says that he's still sick. His last job he was there six years. Anyway this man calls on the phone some guy that he had gone to his house on saturday. When he gets off the phone he tells me I know where the money went (it was only 30 dollars)I bought pills of this guy that lives in hightpoint. He said that he didn't remember going there til this man called him. We borrow a 4 wheel drive from someone we know and went down to get the truck out of the mud. We get down there and were hooking up the truck to pull it out and in the bed of the truck is a piece of a condom rapper. I said look there's another piece and you don't remember being with anyone. I go get in the jeep and he gets in the truck and we pull it out. We get it home and there is a big dent in the finder with yellow paint on it. I ask what did he hit he says he barely remembers hitting some concret thing. What I'm wonder is how can he remember doing drugs next door and going to highpoint and getting stuck in the mud, but can't remember being with someone else.
To make matter worse. He asks me to please forgive him that he didn't know what he was doing. That he loves me and he don't want to lose me. I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
To make things even worse he confesses to me that he was sexualy abused by his dad and his brother when he was a child. I think this is why he drinks and does the pills. I know that his dad had abused his sisters cause the one sister is in a metal institution. Has been since she was twelve years old. She was the one that finally told someone about the abuse after 12 years. When his dad was about to be convicted of this he killed him self. I asked my husband before if he had ever been abused but he told me know. My husband is the youngest of 6 children all of which were sexualy abused by there dad. The two older brothers were sexualy abusing the sisters and now I find out that my husband was also sexualy abused by his dad and his one brother. You would not believe the things that he told me had happened to him. He said that he never told anyone about this not even his x wife of 8 years. I feel like he is trusting me. I want to trust him that he didn't know what he was doing that night and that he don't remember. I know that my husband really needs help and he said that he would get it. But how? We don't have that kind of money. PLEASE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

http://www.malesurvivor.org/
http://www.rainn.org/
Maybe someone can give you a referral. Every state has different programs.... do a search on the internet. Include rehab and marriage counseling along with his individual therapy.
When I first read your post, I got the feeling that your husband was telling you about his past to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him so you wouldn't leave him.
My best to you.
Carrie
What both of you did was get with the other thinking that your life problems, fears, doubts, insecurities, resentment, frustration, and anger would be "solved, resolved and gone".
And the reality is - no matter where he goes there he is...and he's dysfunctional, addicted, and that just how it is.
And the reality is - no where you go, there YOU are...and you're looking for someone to provide you with salvation, security, happiness, and identity - so you're willing to tolerate anything in order to get it.
You will NOT become anything that you're at the core...in a relationship.
And what you will get by being in a relationship/marriage with an alcoholic is abused, neglected, in debt, and disassociated with.
YOu leave him...you create a great life for you and your kids WITHOUT a man - so that the next man that comes along you can discerningly and objectively review his character - not just sit there thinking "oh, this is going to be so great, becuase we've both been hurt the same way so we won't hurt each other."
Basically..and this is harsh...if you're giong to walk around as one of the victimized, walking wounded - you're going to attract victims, wounded, and more attackers.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Edited 5/5/2004 6:42 pm ET ET by camille92574