How to get closure
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How to get closure
| Mon, 05-31-2004 - 3:28pm |
My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up (well more like he gave up) just under 2 weeks ago. The problem we mainly had was lack of communication and he also tends to have self-esteem issues. At the end of last year we were having some problems and his first response to our problems was that we shoudl break up. In the end, he knew it was his problem (self esteem) and assumed I wouldn't want to be with him because of it. I told him i woudl support him but that if he needed time alone, i woudl give him that too. We stayed together, he started going to therapy and we were talking alot. THings were going really well. But after a few months he stopped going to therapy and we started into our old habits of not talking.
A few weeks ago i decided to bring things up because it bothered me that we could not talk openly and i had no idea what his future plans were and whether he saw a future with me or not. I am not at the point where i want marriage or kids or anything like that but I basically asked him to tell me which doors are open and which are permanently closed. He emailed me and said that he was thinking about stuff a lot and that he hoped we coudl have a big talk. He also hoped "this would work" so i was thankful that we woudl get to know eachother better through the process, regardless of teh outcome.
He came over, told me that "he wasn't happy in the relationship". I replied that after a certain amount of time, more work has to be put into a relationship in order for it to work and that we lacked intimacy which makes us feel unhappy and unsatisfied. He replied again with the same response. I couldn't believe it. So after only about 20 minutes, he said "if you want to talk more later let me know" which i didn't get ... i mean why not talk now?? SO after 3 years thats all i got.
I went to his place to pick up some stuff this weekend and left a long letter. Saying that I need him to figure out 'why' he isn't happy to accept that this is over. I just see so many similarities between this situation and the last time this happened, which is probably why I have hope. But I feel like in wanting a response from him that I am waiting for him to "see the light" and to know that what we have/had is amazing and deserves the time and effort. I know his past relationships have ended with ultimatums or bad feelings. This is his and mine best relationship (he is 39 i am 31) and i feel like he is sabotaging it on purpose cause he is scared.
A few weeks ago i decided to bring things up because it bothered me that we could not talk openly and i had no idea what his future plans were and whether he saw a future with me or not. I am not at the point where i want marriage or kids or anything like that but I basically asked him to tell me which doors are open and which are permanently closed. He emailed me and said that he was thinking about stuff a lot and that he hoped we coudl have a big talk. He also hoped "this would work" so i was thankful that we woudl get to know eachother better through the process, regardless of teh outcome.
He came over, told me that "he wasn't happy in the relationship". I replied that after a certain amount of time, more work has to be put into a relationship in order for it to work and that we lacked intimacy which makes us feel unhappy and unsatisfied. He replied again with the same response. I couldn't believe it. So after only about 20 minutes, he said "if you want to talk more later let me know" which i didn't get ... i mean why not talk now?? SO after 3 years thats all i got.
I went to his place to pick up some stuff this weekend and left a long letter. Saying that I need him to figure out 'why' he isn't happy to accept that this is over. I just see so many similarities between this situation and the last time this happened, which is probably why I have hope. But I feel like in wanting a response from him that I am waiting for him to "see the light" and to know that what we have/had is amazing and deserves the time and effort. I know his past relationships have ended with ultimatums or bad feelings. This is his and mine best relationship (he is 39 i am 31) and i feel like he is sabotaging it on purpose cause he is scared.
But how do I walk into a meeting with him, with relistic expectations? Even though he regresses and pulls back, he is an amazing person and never treated me wrong so how do I let go of hope and acknowledge that he may never be willing? Is it worth fighting for if he has a turn around?
