how to get it back on track

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
how to get it back on track
7
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:35am
i have been dating this man for 2and a half years. the first 6 months was great. we lived an hour and a half from each other and seen each other when we could. we hated being so far apart from each other so he decided to sell everything and move to my town to start a life with me. after he moved here everything changed. he changed, i changed and weve have had a year of our relationship going down hill. i think alot of it has to do with me he had lied to me before and it has been hard for me to trust him however he has admitted to lying and hasnt given me any reason for me not to trust him but it has been hard. we have both said some mean and hurtful things to each other and everytime i would say it was over and walk out and he would always call me saying he was sorry and would always chase after me. now things have changed when i say im leaving now he acts as if he doesnt care. i guess i can only blame myself for this. we are getting to the point that our relationship is really being tested. ive told him that im sorry and that i wanted our relationship to be the way it was in the beginning. ive told him that i want us to forget about all thats happened and lets just start over but he says he cant do that. he says its hard for him to forget all the things ive said to hurt him. he said that all we can do is try but its going to take time and that its not going to happen overnight. ive asked him what i can do on my part and all he can say is i dont know. he says that he loves me and that he wants it to work but he just cant forget and that he doesnt know who the real me is. when i do try to get things back and be like i use to he thinks im being a fake. how do i get us back on the right track. i love him and want it to work bu i feel if he really loves me then he could forget about all thats happened and start over. i just want the love back that we had in the beginning. how do i get it back?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:07am
Hi lawpaws, I don't know what to say to help you exactly. I have been married quite a long time and lot of the years in middle 2/3 rds of our marriage my wife said a lot of mean hostile things to me. She has recently admitted that it was just venting and that she didn't really mean anything by it. Her venting has affected how I feel about her and even though I still love her I don't think I will ever love her like I once did. Mean things said for what ever the reason last a long time, maybe forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:55am
My personal experience and others I know, it will never be like it was before in the beginning, with all the butterfiles in our stomach waiting to see him, and he waiting to see you, the great sex the holding hands the long passionate kisses. Lets remember he lied not you, you are the one with the trust issue. as far as I know you did not lie. I am going through the same thing. We moved in together, 3 months later I got pregnant and it was a bad pregnancy, bad I mean that he never whats to have kids again. we were together before that 2 months, 4 months then 2 more months then we seperated for nine months and that when he came to me and said he can't stop thinking about me, misses me and wants to marry me. Huh, almost 10 years later, we are not married. We do have twins. and its really hard. He lies and I catch him so easy. but is that important to you.

Is it important to you that he can lie and not feel a thing. I personally feel, how can they do that. Why does it bother me or why does it bother you? Do you lie? I don't not to him, but he does to me, and they are stupid stuff, like porn, what he is viewing, but I would not let it be where he is going. I have kids, and I try to keep it together. It seems like you don't have kids, you are young, and if can't or is not willing to work hard to show you he wants you. then what is that telling you?

Can I ask you something??? why do you say you are leaving, why doesn't he? and why don't you doll yourself up, but on a nice dress where make up put a little perfume on and high heels like you did before when you were dating, take a drive go to the movies, go shopping, take 2- 4 hours, come home, go straight to the bathroom, sit on the toilet and giggle, a few times. Hum, put yourself in a good mood. then come out see him, smile kiss him on the cheek. That will have him wondering, why you are in a good mood. and the will think about it. I have done this and it makes him wonder. If he asks where did you go, tell him what you did shopping, movies, then ask him why? do you care? and if he says yes, then tell him good. I want to know you care. this means you have a spark left in you. and take it from there.

Just remember do what you did in the begining, we get into our own routines and we forget. Us women, we want human touch, we want to be acknowledge, and if he is not willing to acknowledge you, someone will. It is easy for a women. Best advice - if in bayarea listen to 1550 AM and listen to this man give advice to men in how to lay women, so you can avoid. and go and read stuff of men.com to let you know what is going on BE Aware there are lots of dogs out there that just need a good women to mold them to good men. I think I molded my too much that he feels confident, but thinks of his kids, I believe he is going though his mid life crisis, at an early age. you are still young! Be smart, look in the mirror and ask yourself do you deserve this??? NO you don't, there is someone perfect for you, you just have to be patient.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:55pm
the reason i always say im leaving is because he makes me so mad and pushed me to the limit that that's what i fell like doing. he was so good to me the first 6 months but my grandmother died and i kind of shut everybody out and i know alot of it has to do with me. everytime we got into an argument i would always say mean and threating things and i can understand that i hurt him but what i cant understand is that if he loves me like he says he does then why cant he forget. i mean i have moved on from him lying to me and i have never lied to him but he makes me feel like all of our problems is because of me. he tells me that he wants it to work but he has a different attitude towards me now.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 2:12pm
It sounds like you two could really benefit from couples counseling. I'd also suggest reading Harville Hendrix's book...something like "Getting the Love you Need".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 5:54pm
I second the counseling as it sounds like you have the classic power struggle going on.


Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 6:56pm

There's no way to go back and get things to be what they were. But you can go forward. Despite the hurt and misunderstanding, you two are still together and that means there is a basic feeling of bonding and love. Relationships take work, understanding and good communication. Both parties need skills and tools to use during the rough times, ways of solving problems and feeling good. I strongly urge the two of you to seek a good relationship counsellor to guide you through the difficulties you are facing. Patterns are strong and will automatically repeat if you do not learn how to steer your boat in a new direction. Although both of you want to forget the hurtful things, wanting is one thing and being able to is another. This is where a well trained counsellor comes in. They can help you learn more about yourselves, how to re-establish trust, how to give up the wounds you have suffered and build a new foundation. This is not really something that one can always do alone. I also suggest you read my book Zen And The Art of Falling In Love. It has a lot of information about love and relationshipss along with wonderful exercises for getting yourselves back on track.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 11:59pm
thanks for everyones advice it has helped me so much. he says he wants it to work so i guess that i will have to trust him and hope for the best. he did agree that he would go to a counsler if i wanted to. i know he loves me it just sometimes hard for me to trust him because he has lied to me before.