How to get through to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
How to get through to him?
16
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 10:00am

I'm dating someone who adores me. But there are problems. The biggest issue, I think, is trust. I do not have a history of trusting men, due to my own choices when younger, and some of the abuses I have recieved. I ran from this man for almost half a year before I gave in and started dating him.


He can be very soft, sweet, and compassionate. I feel that this is his true side, his inner person. Now, with that said, I'm the type of person who believes in inherent good, not inherent badness. Still, there are aspects of his character that he has learned over time that are, I feel, harming our relationship.


I look at my boyfriend in public and see someone who faces the world with this "survival of the fittest" attitude. He has a big ego, and a big mouth. He often makes a big deal over nothing, and then will complain about it loudly so others can

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 11:20am

Welcome to the board poundpuppy81,


Since he said he was willing to go to couples counseling and you think it only way to get some on the issue out in the open, then I think that needs to be the next step in your relationship.


But honestly, you should be with someone for who they are now, but for the potential person that they could be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 11:31am

cl-ctara,


Thank you for your advice. Are you saying that I should be with someone for the potential person that they could be, or should not? I got a little confused. I appreciate your input!


PoundPuppy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 11:59am
Sorry, my post didn't make sense. I need to do a better job of proofreading. I meant you should be with them for who they are NOT for who they potentially could be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 12:15pm

Welcome to the board poundpuppy81,.


You want him to control his mouth and posturing, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 1:19pm

Thanks for the clarification, cl-ctara!


I am with him for who he is, I think that there's a great deal about him that attracts me. A lot of what I used as an excuse prior to dating him does not apply to his character. We just got back from lunch and he told me while we were sitting in the park that he was "getting used to my sensitivity". WHOA...huge step forward. Not too long ago he was very upset with it.


I don't want to change him into something that he is not. I want him to not be afraid to be his true self. The "mouth" hides that. I kind of feel as if his talkativeness hides a lot that he doesn't want others to see. He's had some serious wrong done to him, and from what he tells me, he's reacted to that defensively because he didn't know any way else to deal with it.


We have far more good days than bad, and for that I'm grateful. It's just frightening sometimes, dealing with this. And there needs to be change on my part as well, I'm learning to accept certain quirks in his behavior (there's no use getting upset every time he's impatient or gets irritated at something that has nothing to do with me).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 1:21pm

Hi cl-itwinflame!


I'm seriously considering finding a book on relationships to go through with him. He seems open to the subject, and actually suggested it once. Thanks for the recommendations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 5:32pm

WOW! I don't know how long you have been together with your bf, I have only been with mine for almost 9 months...but this sounds almost identical to his behavior. Whenever an arguement comes up...which is all too often lately...he gets all macho man on me. Saying how great he is and how I'll never find anyone better than him..yada yada yada. And like you...all I see is insecurity...even my friends say so when I tell them this stuff. It's when he seems vunerable, like if we are on the verge of splitting up by my decision or something like that. Whenever I try to talk to him in a mature way, lately, an argument starts up...usually because he's not understanding what I'm saying, thinks I'm attacking him, or something like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 8:43pm

I have doubts that your relationship has much chance to work while you are continually trying to psychoanalyze the guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 03-30-2008 - 12:09am

I couldn't agree more.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 11:03am

I'm sorry if past pain has caused you to view my post in light of what you personally went through.


I think I'll go by those who are around us and who know us, and those who view the relationship as something to be worked on.


I'm not sure where you've gotten the impression that relationships are supposed to just fall into place from the start, but I haven't yet been able to check that fairytale out from the library.


It turns out that I haven't had to say much on this issue. He figured it out on his own that the aggressiveness bothers me. He's working on it. I'm working on my issues, such as withdrawing instead of communicating and holding grudges.


I hope that no one hurts you again. It is best not to give advice from a point of pain. That doesn't pay forward very well.


Blessings,


Samantha

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