How to get through to him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
How to get through to him?
16
Fri, 03-28-2008 - 10:00am

I'm dating someone who adores me. But there are problems. The biggest issue, I think, is trust. I do not have a history of trusting men, due to my own choices when younger, and some of the abuses I have recieved. I ran from this man for almost half a year before I gave in and started dating him.


He can be very soft, sweet, and compassionate. I feel that this is his true side, his inner person. Now, with that said, I'm the type of person who believes in inherent good, not inherent badness. Still, there are aspects of his character that he has learned over time that are, I feel, harming our relationship.


I look at my boyfriend in public and see someone who faces the world with this "survival of the fittest" attitude. He has a big ego, and a big mouth. He often makes a big deal over nothing, and then will complain about it loudly so others can

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 11:12am

First I have to ask, is he abusing you emotionally or verbally? I made it clear to my BF that this is something I will not tolerate. I've been quiet these past few weeks because I don't want to argue with him, and like me, you experience an elevation of the situation when discussion is attempted. Now, I wonder if you may be like me, I think the way I'm presenting things to him might put him on the defensive. My quietness seems to have worked though, I don't shy away from him physically, but he sees that I've kind of withdrawn verbally. We're talking more and arguing less when I do speak up. I love this man too much to continuously fight with him.


Some things I've simply decided to let drop. He will have to face the consequences of them. When we're in public if he wants to make an issue about something simple, that's his perogative...so long as it doesn't involve me. Example: we went out to dinner last night. We were waiting to be seated, and because I was seated away from him, the

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 2:14pm

Everyone wears a social mask.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 2:30pm

Hey Snafu,


You make a lot of sense. Especially about the personas we show the world and those we show those close to us. I guess his "outer persona" which is more aggressive frightens me due to the fact that I was abused growing up. I've dealt with a lot of folk yelling at me, blaming me for stuff I didn't do, or just surrounding me with negativity.


Lately he's been a LOT more conscientious about how he comes across at least to me. I have decided to let go of some of the things he does in public (he's just a loose cannon at times, and that's who he is), so long as it doesn't include me.


I see what you're saying about him not getting walked over. And perhaps it took someone else to say that, when he said it, it just sounded like defense. But he has had to endure a lot...


Thanks for the insight. As much as we may pluck each others nerves at times, both of us feel this is worth working for. It'll just take time, I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 4:31pm
No he doesn't abuse me in any way. But, his agressiveness and loudness is becoming intolerable! He mostly just blabs about how great he is and yada yada yada...when things aren't going good. Like Duh! I wouldn't be with you if I didn't think you were great! And I wouldn't put up with all the BS! Now from what you say...we do argue a lot...but not about things like that. It's mostly him overanalyzing everything I say or do...which is ridiculous. and I agree with you...there are way too many discouraging people that automatically answer with "he's no good for you," "you'll never work," or "move on." Honestly, we are on this board to 'save the relationship'...not just give up on someone we love. Not without even trying! People should give advice on what you can try...and then, if you try a few things and it doesn't work or help, then we could at least say we tried. Anywho...good luck! Don't give up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Tue, 04-01-2008 - 7:12pm

"I guess his "outer persona" which is more aggressive frightens me due to the fact that I was abused growing up. I've dealt with a lot of folk yelling at me, blaming me for stuff I didn't do, or just surrounding me with negativity."


I understand now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 7:40am

Ah, because I disagree with you Samantha it means that I am in "pain"?

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