How to heal?
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| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 8:10pm |
First, I'm a guy and have come here in seek of some advice..
A bit about myself: my wife is the only woman I have ever had sex with. When we were dating, I may have exaggerated my sexual exploits to make myself seem more "experienced" - foolish youth, but guys will be guys. Not to say that I never had encounters, I just never had intercourse. I love my wife and son more than anything in this world. We've been married for about 4 years, dating on and off for about five years before that. During the first two years things were kind of difficult, I hadn't graduated college and was working a job that could put food on the table, but never get us a home - let alone, be able to afford give any future children a chance at a great life. I finally graduated college and got an excellent job. We were blessed recently with the birth of our son and finally managed enough to buy a place of our own. One of the biggest hurdles I had to overcome, personally, was seperating myself from my friends - as they tended to eat up a lot of my free time. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with my wife - but I have no real family and my only confidants and "support" group was my friends - after my wife, of course - but everyone needs someone other than their partner to talk with. I essentially cut off my friends a year ago to make sure that there would be no distractions from home life - as I do have an addictive personality it can be very difficult to say "no". So it's been pretty much work, family, work, family... repeat...
About a year ago a friend of mine (female), whom I had been once attracted to - prior to meeting my wife - sent a "thank you" letter to our house. The letter was after I had attended my high school reunion (we were classmates in a very small class).
Prior to this I had always remained fairly close to her before marriage, but didn't spend as much time with her as we used to - primarily because my wife was always suspicious that I would hook up with her. Seriously, after I met my wife this friend just became a "guy with boobs" to me. Now for whatever reason this friend had started trying to occupy more and more of time (remember I was in the process of cutting off all my friends).
When I went to the reunion, which was out of state, I was under the impression that the "friend" wouldn't be attending - but she was there. I only had one free day for the reunion etc. My "friend" was just hanging a little too close and acting weird - for lack of a better term. She suggested that we go out for a meal - which I, ignorantly, agreed to. It was there that she laid out how she had always felt for me etc. etc. Talking about how my wife was making me unhappy and so forth. Bascially she was asking me to get with her. I told her "no", that I would always be her friend. Told her that she had an opportunity with me (allbeit years ago) and she blew it. She seemed understanding and we left on a good note - I had to meet up with some other friends (not from the reunion) before going to bed. So that was pretty much it.
Then a week or so later I get this "thank you" note in the mail from her thanking me the "vacation"..
My wife found it and confronted me with it. I was flabbergasted (why would my "friend" send such a thing - ESPECIALLY AFTER I TOLD HER THAT WE ARE AND WILL ALWAYS BE JUST FRIENDS), so I f'ed up and lied. Said it was from someone else from the reunion. I guess I was scared that my wife wouldn't believe me no matter what and would leave me if I told her that I had hung with this "friend". It was at that moment I knew that I would have to 86 this "friend" and did everything to avoid her. Eventually the "friend" quit her job at our office (we worked in the same building) and stopped contacting me altogether. I was relieved that the whole aspect of my life appeared to be over. She didn't call me, wife didn't have anything to make her worry. All good.
About a year later my wife discovered the note was from the "friend" and now doesn't trust me (i.e. thinks I had an affiar) and, has obviously, placed a considerable strain on our marriage. Now, I'm by no means a perfect guy. I've made a lot of mistakes - espcially relationship-related (due to my inexperience) but have always made it a point to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. But now those mistakes are coming back to haunt me with this most recent situation. My priorities have always been my wife (since I met her) and, now, our family. This meant that I did spend a lot of time working, going to school etc. But that was all done for the security of our future and now faced with the prospect of losing that future it seems all that effort was for nothing.
We are going to start seeing a marriage counseler but what else can I do to help rebuild the trust? What else should I or SHOULDN'T I do? I've made some very serious life changes over the last year (attention to my wife and family etc.) I get the sense that if I try to do what I want for her it would be seen as overbearing and may result in pushing her away. As I've cut off my friends I'm left with no one to talk to or get some advice from.
If you've read this far, I thank you. Advice, insight etc. is greatly appreciated. If you have any questions, ask away.
Thanks.
Edited 8/9/2007 8:13 pm ET by fastasleep

Edited 8/9/2007 8:27 pm ET by eggbertshootsfire
See, that's the thing though - I've long since cut her off. After I saw the letter.
What was I thinking? I don't know. I mean we were friends for nearly 15 years and I thought we could just keep it that way... apparently not. I've always stood up for my wife. Hell - I waited for her (when we brokeup for a year) while she dated other guys. All my friends put her down, but I stood by her and my feelings for her.
To clarify - when my "friend" suggested that we get together - it wasn't an outright "let's get a hotel room now", but "are you sure you're happy with her?" "I wouldn't do (insert bad habit I may have griped about)".. etc. My response to all of that was no matter what my wife makes me happier more than anything else. My life only really began to have purpose when I met my wife..
But how do I overcome the bigger trust issue? Short of calling up the "friend" to verify that we didn't fool around....
I see what you're saying. I'm glad you went and cut off contact with the friend, that's a huge sign to your wife that you are serious about her and you're not interested in running around with another girl.
Unfortunately, trust will only come with time and by you proving to her that she can trust you. I think you've taken a big step toward doing that, and counseling helps too. She needs to see that you're willing to do what it takes to earn her trust back. It's really frustrating when we ourselves know that we would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship and that we are worthy of trust, but cannot immediately convince someone else to feel the same way. It will happen in time. Communicate with her openly, be considerate and caring and if she has any sense at all, she'll get over her feelings.
And that's yet another problem.. I've admitted I've lied - not only because I was "caught", but because I want her to know that I wasn't lying to hide something nefarious but because I was so scared of what would happen (at that time) if I told the truth.
Growing up, I was never rewarded if I told the truth after doing something wrong. Instead, I was punished two-fold: one for the mis-deed and then again because "I should've known better" - since I was (at some level) aware that what I was doing was wrong. It was often a lot easier to just deal with the punishments seperately - i.e. punished for doing something bad and punsihed for lying.
It became my defense mechanism and is something that I fought with for quite sometime. The last thing I would ever want to do is lie to my wife. She's (and now our family) are all that matter to me.
Getting back to the recent problem, even though I try to explain why I lied she says that I'm just trying to "justify" the lie. Which I'm not. I lied. I'm sorry. But I so desperately want her to understand why I lied. Right now, she thinks that I'm just like all the other guys I know - self-serving, self-centered, over-sexed assholes. We recently had a weekend together, without our son, and while she said she enjoyed our time together he complaint was that I was: a) trying to force her into getting staying together so that I could "go back to my old habits" and b) HAVE SEX. WTF? Of course I tried to be a little bit intimate with her at this beautiful resort but it wasn't like "I need to get some".. I mean god did give humans two hands.. rather, I was trying to show the level of my phsyical and emotional love. I mean, when she was pregnant I was a little reluctant to have sex as our son developed because a friend had made the comment "don't dent his forehead"... now to most people that might just seem like a bad joke. But to me, despite all the education and knowledge I have of the human physiology - despite all the literature I'd read (much at the insistance of my wife) I just couldn't get my friend's stupid comment out of my head. For quite some time that got thrown back in my face, as if my lack of an atypical male sex drive was a statement about my attraction to her. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Since the birth of our son, I've never found my wife more attractive and never been more in love with someone. Which, is probably why I was finally able to give up the emotional security blanket of my "friends". Remember, I don't have anyone other than my wife, son and my in-laws.
I think every human being needs an emotional security blanket - someone that they know, no matter what, that person will always be there for them. For me, that is my wife. Hell, most of my passwords are attestments to that.
For awhile, I was like a recovering social alcholic - I would improve and then have a slipup, not as bad as before, but it was still a slip. I never said, "yep, I'm going to ditch my wife and hang out with the friends" - it was.. a slip. And then I'd correct. I finally hit a point where I just had to say "never more" and transferred the remaining emotional eggs into the new basket. And, for ther record, the majority of them had always been there.... it was just the last few difficult ones that needed to be moved. :)
Sorry for the rambling.... I guess my question is, how do you explain something without it seeming like a justification?