How to help her understand

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
How to help her understand
6
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 9:15pm
My girlfriend and I have had a great relationship with the exception of one thing and that is the issue of past lovers still being present in her life. One in particular is really starting to come between us. We began dating in mid November of last year. We began by going out on a few dates we had a make out session or two and as far as I was concerned we were off to the start of something. Well during Thanksgiving she went home to her parents, she called me while she was there to wish me happy Thanksgiving and told me she would call me when she got back into town. Great, she ended up calling me when she got back but it wasn't exactly on the day she returned. Well not a big deal our relationship continued to grow and we have been happy. Until one night about 3 months ago I found out that the reason she didn't call was because when she returned from her parents she met up with a guy "friend" whom she has been friends with for a long time (4 years)and they went out drinking and the night ended with them sleeping together. This guy is in the Army and until now has been off doing whatever he has been doing and they have not talked to each other since the last time he was here in late November. Well, he's back and has called a couple of times to see if she would like to get together. I am very upset by this and wish that she would have nothing to do with him. I feel betrayed that she slept with this guy while her and I were in the infancy of our relationship, however, she doesn't see it that way and insist that because her and I were not yet serious that she did nothing wrong. I don't agree and this guy returning brings back alot of hurt feelings and insecurities. She would like to continue a "friendship" with this guy and wants me to meet him. I am not comfortable with this and even though I have never met the guy and now that this is not all his fault, I have feelings of animosity towards him and know that I cannot simply be myself and engage in friendly conversation with him because of the feelings of hurt I have. She thinks that I am wrong for feeling the way I do and accuses me of being inmature, untrusting of her and that I should "get over it". She says that if I trust her that it should not be an issue, but I am not so much feeling distrust but insecurity. She assures me that now that her and I are serious that nothing beyond friendship would happen between them and I should trust her. She has told me in the past that he has always wanted more than just a friendship between them but that she has not been interested in him for a relationship. She says that he has "always been there for her" because during her past relationship with her ex (whom the army guy was friends with) the ex was running around on her and doing things he shouldn't well the army guy who was supposed to be her ex's friend basically ratted him out as far as infidelity and such and so now she sees him as a great friend to her. I see it as he had alterior motives and told her all this because he wanted her. He has asked her in the past to wait and be with him after he gets out of the military. Obviously this guy wants more than just a friendship and why if she wasn't interested in that she slept with him is a mystery to me. Am I wrong for being absolutely against this? She says that I am wrong to ask her to blow off her "friend" of four years. I wish that she would understand how this "friend" makes me feel and how much it hurts me to have to deal with this after I found out what I did. She thinks that I am being "a baby" and that I should "get over it". What should I do? She tells me that if we break up it will because of my insecurity and distrust of her. I love her and she says that she loves me, I do not want to lose her but I also dont think it's right or fair to disregard my feelings about this and just expect me to deal with it or get over it which is her answer. What do I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 10:34pm
Well I agree with you on some issues an agree with your girlfriend on one.

If the two of you were not in a committed relationship (you even refer to it as the infancy stage) then she didn't owe you exclusivity. While it may have been in poor taste, she had the right to date and even sleep with whoever she wanted if you hadn't yet agreed to be exclusive.

'She says that I am wrong to ask her to blow off her "friend" of four years.'

If he always was and is just a friend then I would agree with her.But I do agree with you that he should now stay out if he is looking to start things up again and that she should understand how you feel.


'She tells me that if we break up it will because of my insecurity and distrust of her.'

If she calls you names and doesn't take any responsibility here or agree to compromise then maybe she isn't worth your time. She doesn't even see that if you break up that it will be because she isn't respectful and understanding of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 9:53am
Hi. I don't know any of you but I was once in your gf's shoes and will offer my opinion based on my own experience. When I began a dating relationship with my now husband, I was still seeing the guy I had broken up with before meeting him, as a "friend." The ex wanted more than friendship and to be honest I liked the attention and ego boost this gave me. I continued to have lunch with him and all the while during this "friendship" he pursued me for another chance at a dating relationship and also for sex.

I was upfront about being "friends" with the ex. My husband admitted to feeling a bit insecure about that, and told me that he was pretty sure the ex was still pursuing me for more than friendship (which was true but I didn't confirm that to my husband). My husband told me he didn't want us to have the kind of relationship where we dictated to one another who it was ok to see or not see, so he left it up to me to determine what was best. Well, after a short time I began to become serious wth my husband and I decided to totally cut off the relationship with the ex. It IS a great feeling to have someone pursuing you, and to have more than one person pursuing you feels even better. But that also presented what I saw to be a danger because it was totally up to me and me alone to keep out of his bed, with him encouranging me there both directly and indirectly every time he saw me. Ultimately I didn't think it was worth ruining what was developing with my husband, so I decided to give up the admiration of the ex, and that's what I did. For me it was a wise choice.

I agree with your gf that she didn't cheat on you when she slept with him b/c you and she were not exclusive and/or monogamous yet. However, she's kidding herself to think that they are just friends now. I don't think your feelings are wrong or immature. They are pretty much what any human being would feel in your situation IMO. I don't believe that a person can successfully be "just friends" with someone who wants more than that. IMO true friendship between ex's can only happen when both honestly only want a platonic relationship. She hasn't yet put her relationship with him in the past and neither has he. Until that happens, she won't be emotionally available to have a really good and healthy relationship with you or anyone else. As long as she's got one foot in the past, this isn't going to become what you are hoping for. And unfortunately, there's not a darn thing you can do to help her or make her see that point of view, b/c she's not ready or willing to admit it or accept it. It's up to her to make her own decisions and choices. If she's not willing to give up the ex, then IMO, from my own experience, she's not thiinking her relationship wtih you is worth doing so. Just my opinion. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:02am
Just out of curiosity,what if he is just trying to be a friend and doesn't want to get with her. What if it turns out that way. Are you going to be able to deal with the fact that she was intimate with this guy. Or is that the real problem. If it were me in your position that would be what would bother me. That someone I am supposed to be ok with was intimate with my partner. If that is the problem maybe you should tell her to put herself in your shoes and imagine if your exgirl "friend" was always calling and trying to make plans with you for lunch ect. How would she feel. Would she be able to handle it. I surley wouldn't and I think that most individuals wouldn't.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 10:47am

You have every right to feel the way you do and to want to create boundaries in the relationship. Most men would feel as you do, and also would not have anything to do with her former lover. Also, they would insist that she choose between him and them. It is inappropriate for her to continue her relationship with him, (even though she may call it a "friendship", once they have been lovers) if she is in a love relationship with you. Some men (very few) could tolerate this, but they are the exceptions. The larger issue here, however, is that she has to respect you and your feelings and be considerate of them. If she loves you, this means that she understands when something is meaningful to you and can adjust her behavior so that both of you are comfortable. If she cannot see this, or act in a way that makes you feel secure and respected, then she is being selfish and immature and is probably not ready for a truly respectful and serious relationship.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 4:26pm
HI...new to the boards :) I just have one comment on this particular situation..not the wrong or right of it but the stuff behind it. She ridicules your feelings about the ex boyfriend/"just" friend, and that's wrong...you are entitled to feel the way you feel, and there is no wrong to that.(It's what people DO with those feelings that may or may not be wrong...for instance if you hit her or screamed in her face for "making you feel that way" it would be wrong...) Maybe she feels it doesn't apply to her situation BUT it's not wrong..and for her to ridicule you for it is very disprespectful to you as a thinking person.

Yira

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 8:44pm
Never put up with someone cheating on you. She shouldn't call you a " baby". She's the baby because she cheated on you, I'm sure you are wonderful to her. Maybe she doesn't deserve you. When you are dating someone, you should be able to trust them wholeheartedly. If you can't do that, the relationship isn't worth it. Think long and hard about how she deceived you and lied to you. I've had a guy cheat on me before, and I broke up with him as soon as I heard about it. Don't put yourself through all of that. You deserve better! Be good to yourself!



blondebeauty03