How to help my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
How to help my marriage
3
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:18pm
My Husband and I been together for almost 5 yrs, married for 3yrs. About 8 months ago we had our first child together and he's great with her! A couple months ago we decided the baby and I should move back home with my folks because well we were getting on each others nerves about the baby, and since I quit my job, we were having money problems. Within these two months my husband been telling me how everyone he hangs out with is cheating on their wives. And of course I thought, well is he telling me something, and well he assures me he's not. He also is drink a lot more on the weekends but still had time to call me everyday to at least say good morning and good night. Although the time difference killed me in the morning! About a 2 weeks ago, we were talking and he brought up the fact that his Sargent's wife may have a crush on him and which wives he would want to sleep with. That pissed me off and he knew it, and he kept apologizing to me about how he should never had said, that I'm the only one for him, he misses me so much and that he wanted me back home with him next month. So I forgave him. He mentioned this trip to Jacksonville, FL that a group of friends were going to do this past weekend and I was like sounds fun. I haven't heard from him since. That was last week Monday. I've been calling and I all I get is his voice mail. He even stopped calling in the morning and evening. He got paid last Friday, and he took out majority of his pay and he never even talked to me about, I mean he usually calls to ask if he can buy something stupid like shoes, so it wasn't like him to take out a large sum of money at once. He finally calls me Monday and I asked him about the money and he tells me I told you about FL, then I ask him why it took him a week to finally call back and he's response, I was busy. Blow that off, asked about the trip, and he tells me it was just him and this guy that I don't know, who went to his girlfriends graduation. I question about everyone else going and he said they all backed out at the last minute. Then he goes on about how much fun he had and that for his two weeks of leave in June, the month I'm suppose move back he wants to spent 10 days there and the other four days to come home and get me. I may sound selfish but I told him no, I don't see why you would rather spent more days with people you see every day and not come home to see the people you grew up with and spend some quality time with me. He got all upset and told me he'll call back later. He didn't call back until yesterday night and he told me that our conversation should strictly be of our daughter. So I asked what, do you not want me any more and he said that he wasn't going to answer because I'll believe what I want to believe and that was the end of it. Now I am so confused about everything and I don't know what to do next.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 3:50pm
I bet you feel just awful to be going through this. I hate that you have to feel like that. My main advice would be to suggest marriage counseling as your next step. Don't think of it as a thing for "messed up couples". Even couples that get along fine benifit from a regular marriage counseling session. Try to get him to go so that you both HAVE to work out your issues instead of sitting and fuming on them. It's best to talk these out in a nuteral environment with a "referee" to "coach" you along. If he isn't willing to do that then I suggest finding a nuteral place of your own and sitting down and having a LONG talk. He seems to be living a bachelor life now that you and your daughter moved out and he seems to be enjoying that. I think it's confused him on his feelings. He needs to get his priorities straight (which you and your daughter should be the main ones...not a trip to FL or who has a crush on him or who is cheating on/with whom) I have no doubt that he does love you but I think he's confused about his responsibilities as a husband and a dad. That needs to be worked out before you can progress as a couple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 9:43pm
I don't get it. You moved back in with your parents because you were getting on each other's nerves about the baby? Explain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 1:56pm
Thank you for reading my concern. It means alot to me that there are people who are willing to help.

Now you said you were confused about me moving back in with my parents. Well the major reason was because we couldn't pay our bills because I stopped working butI wanted to devote my time to my daughter for at least a year. And yes we were fighting about her because he was complaining that I spend too much time with her and not enough time with the housework which I thought he could help out with, and he was afraid to take my daughter and me out because he didn't know what she would do, and if I wanted something, he would go and get it because he was terrified of being alone with her... that's what I mean about "getting on each other's nerves about the baby"