how important are looks?
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how important are looks?
| Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:57pm |
So I´ve been talking to a guy online for about half a year. He had shown me a picture of when he was younger and I didn´t really like what I saw but I dismissed it cause I really like him. We get along so well, and when we talk it feels like we´ve known eachother forever. We always talk on Voice so it´s a lot more than just words on a screen.
We´ve been talking about meeting, we haven´t yet cause we are in different countries, but he wants to come and visit me. The thing is that the other day he showed me a more recent picture, and I must say that I´m not attracted to him at all. He knows he´s not the best looking guy, which was why he kinda pushed me into admitting that I wasn´t all that attracted to him.
I still like him and I´m kinda falling for him, and he likes me a lot too. He said that when we had that conversation it was as if he had gotten punched in the stomach, cause I was uncertain about what was gonna happen if I´m not attracted to him.
So now I don´t know, things are kinda weird on my part, cause even though I still like him, cause he´s funny, smart and just a great guy all around, I wonder what would happen when we met. what if I really am not attracted to him? Would his personality stand out more? or would it be drawn out in person?
And thats another thing, he keeps saying "when we meet, when we meet..." but now, I don´t know if he should come here, cause what if it doesn´t work? He´d have spent money for nothing. I plan to move to where he is next year, not for him, to go to college.. So maybe it would be better if we met when I got there? I mean, then there wouldn´t be so much pressure.
I don´t know, any thoughts would be appreciated.
We´ve been talking about meeting, we haven´t yet cause we are in different countries, but he wants to come and visit me. The thing is that the other day he showed me a more recent picture, and I must say that I´m not attracted to him at all. He knows he´s not the best looking guy, which was why he kinda pushed me into admitting that I wasn´t all that attracted to him.
I still like him and I´m kinda falling for him, and he likes me a lot too. He said that when we had that conversation it was as if he had gotten punched in the stomach, cause I was uncertain about what was gonna happen if I´m not attracted to him.
So now I don´t know, things are kinda weird on my part, cause even though I still like him, cause he´s funny, smart and just a great guy all around, I wonder what would happen when we met. what if I really am not attracted to him? Would his personality stand out more? or would it be drawn out in person?
And thats another thing, he keeps saying "when we meet, when we meet..." but now, I don´t know if he should come here, cause what if it doesn´t work? He´d have spent money for nothing. I plan to move to where he is next year, not for him, to go to college.. So maybe it would be better if we met when I got there? I mean, then there wouldn´t be so much pressure.
I don´t know, any thoughts would be appreciated.

See, that's the problem with carrying on an online relationship. IMO, you don't really know if you're attracted to someone until you meet in person. I had a huge crush on a guy online once, was so excited to meet him and when I did....Nothing. I had NO attraction to him whatsoever. In fact, I was almost repelled by him. I have no idea why - he wasn't gruesome or anything, there was just something about him. That's why I'm a big advocate of meeting someone in person well before you develop deep emotions.
I think he should come for a brief visit, like a weekend, and stay in a hotel (NOT at your place!!!!) and see how it goes. If you don't like him, you don't like him.
You can't put off meeting him forever. Maybe it's better to know before you move there if you have something beyond friendship.
Welcome to the board marianad2004.
I agree with blondie that you should go ahead and meet him sometime in the near future and have him stay at a hotel. This way there wouldn't be any wondering when you move there because you will already know what kind of relationship you will want from him.
Sometimes someone's personality can make them more attractive. A couple of years ago I met a guy on a ballteam that I wasn't attracted to at all, but then after getting to know him and his personality I become attracted to him. Maybe the same could happen for you. But if it doesn't, you have to let if know if it will affect your future/potential future with him.
Good luck.
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Many feelings can get stirred on up in a long distance internet relationship. Fantasties can run wild. I think it's important to stay grounded in reality here and for him to stay grounded as well. Make the distinction in your own mind and for him between someone you like a lot, feel close to, respect, enjoy and someone you are or may become attracted to as a romantic partner. There's a difference. Try not to lead him (or lead yourself on) to expect this to become more than it is right now. A good friendship. It's possible that romantic feelings may develop when you two meet and it's also possible that they may not. That is the reality. In these long distance, online relationships, it's very, very important to keep the reality in front of you as much as you can, and also in front of your partner so they don't suddenly feel as though they're being punched.
If he pays a lot and comes to this country to meet you, you will feel very responsible if it doesn't turn into a romantic situation. And he will probably feel quite hurt. This is a lot of pressure. If you are going there anyway for college, just wait and let things take their course. Let him know you want to take your time with this and not feel responsible for turning it into something that it may not become. Honesty and kindness are always best. Tell him how much you like him as a person,
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I think what you said has really helped me put things in perspective. We don´t really fully know eachother yet, so the romantic relationship should just be a possibility, not a given.
But the problem is that there already are feelings involved. And I´m sure that if I said to take it slower now, he´d see that as a pulling back, and I don´t want to hurt him.
He has said that if I´m not attracted to him, then to tell him now, because he isn´t looking for a friend. He likes me a lot, and he has said he cares about me a lot, but he doesn´t need to go to all this trouble just to be friends.
He has a lot of friends and what he wants out of me is a relationship because he really sees that this could become a great thing. I actually think that too and I wanted that too until this question arised - what if I´m not attracted to him physically?
Like I said, I still like him a lot, and I have feelings for him. He´s a great guy but in the real world, would his personality be all that matters?
Another thing is that, because we have that "pending visit" or that "pending relationship", we are not dating other people.
He says that he just isn´t interested in other girls he meets, and well I´m not really interested in other guys. Our relationship right now is the closest it can be to actually dating.
So it´s very complicated. What if when we meet, it doesn´t work out and we wasted all this time? But then again, it would be very weird to be dating someone and then having this in the back as a "when we meet", wouldn´t it?
Any thoughts, again, would be very appreciated.
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