How long before he's ready?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2003
How long before he's ready?!?!
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:58pm
We've been together since last April. He is 32 and I am 31. I will be beginning my 10th year teaching, graduating with my Master's Degree in May 2005, and I have lived on my own for four years. He just quit his job (I am happy about this - he was working for a non-profit organization where he was treated like crap - he's wanted to get out for close to a year - I had hoped that he would have gotten a new job BEFORE he quit his old job,) and he lives with his mother. The living with the mother thing - of course it wasn't the greatest thing about him when we first met, but I thought I understood his situation (trying to make the world a better place, someday get a better paying job, yada, yada, yada.) We currently live one hour from each other, and with the Jersey Shore traffic, it always takes longer. He comes down here 90% of the time because a) I have my own place b)there is no place for me to sleepover up there (friends' houses have been offered, but if I'm not staying with HIM, I'd just assume go home.)

I have posted on this board before about him calling me all the time - he still calls a lot. Sometimes we can end the conversation in an adult manner. Sometimes he is all moody and put off. Basically I'm learning to get over this aspect of our relationship. I have bigger fish to fry than worry if he is offended because I am busy.

NOW - here's the question. Again - we have been together for over a year. I love him. I have loved him since I first met him. I want to get married. I want to live with him. I want to start a family. We have been arguing about little things and big things over the past few weeks, and a lot came to a head last night. We almost broke up. I do not know if we will break up soon. He says he is not ready right now to do the marry/baby thing. And I understand that. I don't want to marry and have a baby with an unemployed man. I understand that he needs to get a job, get settled for a few months, etc before we could think about anything. I just want from him - and I have asked him this - to know if he wants the same things I do - if all of this fighting over little things is worth it. He says he loves me, and that getting a job is his #1 priority after his vacation.

Oh yeah - I forgot this - (well, I didn't forget, I can't forget about it. I just didn't write about it yet.) His best friend, who is a woman, is moving to Europe for graduate school for a year. They are driving down to Florida, going to baseball games, seeing tourist attractions, and ending up at her mother's (she wants to visit her mother before she goes away.) I do not feel they are romantically involved. They have been best friends for years - volunteers, etc. Honestly, none of us are skinny, and she has 75-100 pounds on me. I do not believe that he is attracted to her in a romantic or sexual way AT ALL. About the vacation - I know he deserves to get away. I am working this summer and taking graduate courses, and I am unable to go away for more than an overnight trip. I am upset because of the close friendship they have. Basically, I am pissed that he won't take me away for a weekend before he goes away with her for two weeks. When I mentioned this - he says, "What am I supposed to do?"

So now, the man I feel safe with, I love, and feel HE is MY best friend - he is still living with his mother, unemployed, and going on vacation with another woman. This is adding to me being upset because I want to at least want to hear him say, "Someday...we will have a family, home.....vacation...."

I am pissed that he doesn't have a job yet. When I was looking for teaching jobs I would send out 20-25 resumes/applications each spring. He sent out one, didn't get the job, and says he wants to wait until his vacation is over. I understand he wants vacation, but to come back in two weeks and THEN look for a job? Last night I mentioned about all of the free time he had on his job (basically the times he would call me)....how come he couldn't have surfed the web for jobs then? How hard is it to e-mail people your resume? Even if you don't fit perfectly for the job - send the resume! Get out there!

In my head, I feel like if he wanted to be with me - live with me, marry me, etc - he would have already had a job. Why isn't our relationship a fuel for his getting a new job? I asked him this last night, and he said I didn't understand. (Maybe I don't. He has a degree in History, doesn't want to teach, and basically can't find much for those qualifications. He has been an EMT for years, many years coaching football, years with youth services.

AUGH......I just don't know what to say to him right now.

His friend is having ANOTHER going away party this Saturday (there was one about a month ago. We had a fight that night...same stuff/different day.) I mentioned wanting to go to my sister's house for the weekend a few times (she is 2 hours away) and he said, "Well, not this weekend (the second going away party) and then I'll be gone for a few weeks. Maybe in August." FORGET THE SECOND GOING AWAY PARTY. SHE IS TAKING MY BOYFRIEND ON HER TWO WEEK VACATION TO FLORIDA. WHY AREN'T I HIS #1 PRIORITY THIS WEEKEND? SHE WILL BE WITH HIM FOR TWO WEEKS - I CAN'T HAVE HIM TO MYSELF FOR THE WEEKEND? Granted, I don't have as many friends/parties, but the fact that we can't go away this weekend because he has to go to her second going away party.

I'm going to stop now. I know I've rambled on for a long time. I guess I needed to get a lot off my chest. Of course, any ideas/comments/suggestions are appreciated.

I love him. He says he loves me. How long do I have to wait before I get more?