How long should I be waiting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
How long should I be waiting!
3
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:56pm
Here is my situation- Im currently living with my bf and we both love each other very much and have plans on getting married. The problem is that he has very low sex drive. I have a very high sex drive and believe intamcy to be very important. Our relationship has it's ups and downs but overall pretty steady. Every time I try to initate sex, I get rejected. Its been going on for the past 6 months and its really starting to reck our relationship. I'll try to touch or kiss him or try to get him to do stuff with me and every time I get told either No, he's tired, headache/stomach ache, or some other excuse. The only time we ever have sex(hardly ever) is on his terms and it doesn't even last that long and its usually a 50/50 chance of me even having an orgasm. He's only 23 (Im 21) and I find it very odd for someone of that age not to be more interested in sex. We both were very interested in it when we first started having sex, but after a couple months it started to go down. We have had several talks about this and nothing seems to ever change. I feel like I've had enough. He tells me that he likes for me to wait for him to come to me and that he doesn't want me to get bored and then want to leave and find someone else. I'll wait for him to come to me, but he doesn't and then I get upset that he didn't come to me after waiting so long that it can sometimes turn into a fight. He's also comparing me to his ex gf's because they cheated on him and so he figure I'll get bored of sex with him and try to find someone new. I've tried explaining that Im not like that and I wouldn't want sex a lot if I thought I would get bored, but still nothing seems to get through to him. I've tried talking to him about relationship counseling and everything, but he won't hear much of that. Is there something else I can do, Im tired of this whole situation. I love him and want to be with him, but this lack of sex/intamcy is really making me have 2nd thoughts of being together. Please Help. What can I do to change this? I know that it could be partly related to relationship or work stress, but why should I have to suffer because of that and what can I do to help? Is it fair for me to help him when he's not doing anything for me in return?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:47pm
I think there is something going on and that he knows what it is at some level but won't tell you. You need to learn from him what this is about or leave. You are way too young to be going through this and he is too young to have such a low sex drive.

Possibilities-He is questioning his sexuality, he is seeing someone else, he has issues with sex stemming from religion, guilt, being molested as a child or ????

Have you ever had a decent sex life?

Push the counseling issue and if he won't go then that says a lot about what he is willing to do for the relationship.


Edited 7/15/2004 3:51 pm ET ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:16pm
We had a good sex life when we first started dating, but when we moved in together is when it started going down hill. I think that I became for aggressive as to wanting sex more and he went opposite direction. He says its because of problems we have- fighting and such. But we fight because of this or other related issues. He also says that he wants to come to me, but when I wait around for him to do so, he doesn't. I don't think I should have to wait forever for him to come to me. I just think that by doing everything he wants me to do(both stop arguing about this, waiting for him/not initating)is doing everything on his terms and I believe that he likes that control over it. I just don't know what to do. He's not seeing anyone else, is straight, and doesn't have any problems in his childhood. I just don't understand and the longer it goes on the more fustrated and angry I get which just makes things worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 5:30pm
Is he controlling in other ways?

Are you happy in this relationship? Is the fighting really bad?