How Long Should I Wait For Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
How Long Should I Wait For Him?
9
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:47am
I am so confused, I need expert advice. My quick rundown, I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 28. In June we will be celebrating our 8th anniversary together. The problem? Not only is he not ready to live with me yet (he's actually looking to buy a house of his own this year) but I'm positive he won't be proposing either. I'm sure of this because he's been saving all his money on his house and car and I know he's not satisfied with his savings.

I cannot say I'm unhappy with the relationship. We get along great, have fun together and we're good friends and confidants. We always talk about the future as if it's assumed we'll marry and raise a family. We looked at rings over a year ago and he knows exactly what I want and the size, he even made note of it. He's included me in his family get togethers and feels that I am apart of the family.

For the most part, things feel great except, after 8 years, he's still not ready to take the next steps. While I'm apartment hunting, he's house hunting and I feel that we're moving forward but separately. He feels very adamant about getting the house on his own and that I should get my own place (I currently live with my parents).

Am I wasting my time by waiting so long or is it still possible to have the beautiful future he always talks about if I just wait for him to get it together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:09am
There is something your boyfriend said that I agree with 100% - "that I should get my own place (I currently live with my parents)"

I think it is extremely important for people to live on their own, become fully accountable for themselves, independent and capable of managing an adult life BEFORE considering cohabitation and/or marriage. He likely ses that he would be your safety-net if you jump directly from mommy & daddy's arms (house) into his. You need this time to grow as an adult.

Time is not the primary issue here. Your adult life-skills are. Tune those up before you expect a proposal & marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:12am
Yeah I am not so sure though about the advice about living on ones own. Our parents lived with their parents until they got married and everything was fine. Although I can see the other advice givers point. I can also see that it is troubling that you have been dating for 8 years and that there is no concrete plan of action for getting married.

You are young. I think you said 26. What I would do is give it maybe like another 1 year maximum and if he is still not ready. The f him. And believe me I know how hard that will be. But I was in a really long term relationship like that and mairrage never happened and now I am 36 yikes. So you know. Look out for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:19am
Have you had a conversation with him about when the two of you will get married? Have you spoecifically told him that you are unhappy he isn't including you in his house plans?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:22am

I cannot say I'm unhappy with the relationship. We get along great, have fun together and we're good friends and confidants. We always talk about the future as if it's assumed we'll marry and raise a family. We looked at rings over a year ago and he knows exactly what I want and the size, he even made note of it. He's included me in his family get togethers and feels that I am apart of the family.


If you feel a need to put a "deadline" on your relationship then do it, but to me you stay in a relationship because you are happy and you see a future in this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 11:50am
We've talked about this a year ago when I was going to move in with him and he changed his mind. He doesn't say 'I don't want you living with me' he stresses that I should get my own place. I think he does that to spare my feelings. As far as when we'll get engaged, move in togther, married, He cannot give any definite answer.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:46pm
So what is stopping you from getting your own place and living as an independent and self-sufficient adult? Perhaps you need to discuss with him his ideas of a partnership between 2 people.

If you scan ivillage messages you will see numerous "red flag" messages when a guy still lives at home. Identical principles apply to women as well. Most men want women that are fully capable and accountable for looking after themselves yet are willing to enter into a true partnership with us. Doing otherwise creates a double-standard or a "do as I say, not as I do" situation.

I strongly believe that he wants a fully capable adult and that is difficult to achieve while living with mom & dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 1:02pm
Well I am all for enjoying your 20s as a single person and living alone or experiencing room mates. I can't imagine having moved from my parents house into my husband's house. I would have missed out on so much. Why not do the same and take advantage of the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 1:43pm
Nothing is stopping me from getting my own place and being on my own. I'm actually looking at two places tomorrow and I've already begun putting out applications. A few years ago, I couldn't afford it as I was still a full-time student, but since I'm financially more secure now, I'm looking forward to moving out.

I just thought that since we've been talking about our future lives together for the past 5 years, looking at rings, picking kids names and planning trips together that he would be ready to take the next steps soon. But I guess not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 4:29pm
You have been with this man for 8 years. You need to ask him point-blank what his story is. Only then can you deterimine if it's right for YOU to wait for him. There are plenty of men out there who are happy wtih what they have and never commit. You don't sound like that would make you happy. It's better to find out now, rather than later. I was with someone for 4 years. It took us to break up for him to grow up. We're still apart, but there's a chance for us again in the future. Maybe your man just needs alone time to realize how to grow up and to see what (who) he's missing when you're apart.