How much time does he need?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
How much time does he need?
1
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:57pm

Dear All,

A couple of months ago, my boyfriend decided to 'leave' and moved out of our flat. His reasons were as follows: dunno if I love you enough to spend the rest of my life with you, need my own space to figure out what i want. He just turned 30 at the time and since the beginning of the year, he has been depressed.

Since then, we have been in contact and sort of dating each other, but it's always on his terms. I feel pressured not to push him with questions. Although we seem to communicate better (the guy broke my heart so badly, it makes conversations a bit awkward at times), we are not at that level where I can ask about us. I get to wait for him to bring the subject up. I need time and space too to recover, to adapt, and I'm doing what I can (God and my friends have been a tremedous stronghold for me). I know already what I want and I am in no hurry to push the relationship (if this is still one!).

Needless to say, all my close friends don't like him very much right now. They say he is selfish, coward and stringing me along, that I should get rid of him. Obviously, I won't do that because I love him, but how am I supposed to carry on with this frustrating situation? To me, communication (and love, of course) is the key to a successful relationship or partnership.

How much more time does he need?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 3:04pm

At this point it's better not to focus on how much time he needs, but how much time do "you" need? Where are you now? It's easy to become absorbed with him, his feelings, his needs, what he's really thinking. This is a huge danger. You don't know and most likely he doesn't either. When a person pulls away to work things through, this is usually not a good sign. It's best to face issues as they come up, in a relationship, or go get some professional help to sort things out. If he's not doing that, most likely, he's just as confused as before.


Other times, people say they need time as a gentle way to separate and let the other down easily. It's not really easy though, it keeps hope alive and can keep you dangling for a long time.


The best thing to do here is to take a good look at who you are, what you want in life and in a relationship. You can love someone very much. It doesn't mean that they are the right person for a relationship for you. It doesn't even mean that they have the communication skills or desire to work things through.


I would be pro-active in my own life and just move forward building a life that is satisfying to me. What he does is his business. What you do is yours.


Best wishes,