How to regain the lost spark/connection?
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How to regain the lost spark/connection?
| Wed, 09-29-2004 - 12:06pm |
The title is self-explanatory. I believe that most, if not every, couple experience this. Well, it happened between me and my bf and we're currently trying to work it out. Any advice? Thanks!

The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
The second book talks about making a list of things you like, things your partner could easily do for you weekly, being polite to each other, being loving - flirting, leaving a card for the other to find during their day, flowers, back rub, stimulating conversation during a date night, say once a week. Other ideas, take a class together, start a hobby together, learn something new to each other, build initmacy, take turns reading a book aloud to each other.
Carrie
actually, we're practically in the same situation. My bf used to be the more optimistic one now it;s different. ALthough we did break up we decided to give it another try. So i dont think I can help you as much right now cos everything is still a little bit blurry between the two of us. We talk and email each other everyday though. I am hoping that taking time to spend with each other will make us close once again but i dont know for sure.
My boyfriend and I practically live together, so giving each other more space is usually what does it for us. I guess it's probably different with long distance. How far apart are you?
My recommendation is - and take this with a grain of salt, since I'm not in a long-distance relationship - don't put so much pressure on it. If you set up this grand scenario, where he travels a long distance, spends a long weekend with you, you both invest all this time and energy into planning and hoping it's this wonderful, rekindling, weekend-of-your-dreams kind of thing... well, that's a lot of pressure. That's setting up a lot of expectations, and they're probably unrealistic expectations that can't really be met. You may both be expecting that this big weekend will rekindle the flame, you'll both feel totally passionate again, etc. But I believe it has to be a slower process. Even if there was this sudden conflagration of romance, do you think that's sustainable? It seems like you need to be ready to accept the growing stronger together, finding your way back to each other, rebuilding trust process as a long one.
Maybe there are things you can try that are a little more low-pressure. This is going to sound silly, but this is the closest situation I have to compare. I grew up with my cousin (also my best friend) in the Los Angeles area. About six years ago, I moved to my current location in the San Francisco area, about 400 miles/5 hours away. She and I used to be really close, but our relationship has waned due to the distance. We feel like we have less in common, less interesting conversations, etc. So, some things that we do that are fun:
- Meet in the middle! There's a stretch of beach and a little beach town called Pismo Beach that is almost exactly the same distance from both cities. So, sometimes, we'll pick a Sunday, leave really early in the morning, and meet at the beach in the middle! We have a terrific time, just exploring the town, hanging out, talking. Maybe you and your boyfriend could find a couple of fun, little-known spots (or well-known) that are between you two and meet there! Resolve to have a fun, low-pressure, come-what-may kind of day, and remember the fun that you used to have together. Let him know that you're not expecting a lot of him, you just think it'd be really fun to check out a new place together. It's almost like taking a road trip together, too, even though you're in different cars! Heck, get hands-free cell phone kits and just chat your free weekend minutes away while you're in the cars on your way to meet each other!
To make it even less pressure, maybe you two could bring some of your friends from your respective towns, and you could feel more in tune with the people in each other's lives. I think that's what makes conversations with my cousin so tough - the fact that I don't feel that involved in her life anymore since I don't know the people she spends time with. So, solve that mystery by telling him to bring some pals and a cooler along!
- Have a long-distance movie/TV date. Agree on a movie together, go out and rent it on the same night. Talk on the phone beforehand, and start the movies at the exact same time. Then, either stay on the phone with each other or call each other after the movie to dish about it. Or do the same with TV. Agree to watch the same show, the talk during the commercial breaks. This way, it takes some of the awkward conversational pressure off, when you're fishing for interesting things to say and freaking out because you think the conversation's not working. You have times of silence, and the other times, you have something concrete to talk about.
- Have conversations or exchange e-mails saying, "Tell me one thing, even if it's trivial or stupid, about yourself that I don't already know." Oh, it can be so fun learning the most ridiculous things about people you think you know really well. Even the silliest, tiniest little things. I really think continually learning about each other is a great way to grow together. Also, it's sort of nice knowing that there are things about your boyfriend that, even if they're little things, only you know.
- Try something completely new together, something that neither of you has ever tried. My cousin and I had a blast taking a sailing lesson together, going kayaking together, getting our hair dyed for the first time together. Take a yoga class, even if it's something you think neither of you would be into. Take a massage workshop. Take a cooking class.
- At the end of each of your days, try to be able to tell each other one new thing you learned about the other, or one more thing you're thankful about having the other. OR, simply tell each other one new thing you learned that day.
Really, I think you both should take some pressure off yourselves, and just have fun together again in unique ways, keep learning about each other, and let the "rekindling" happen gradually, but naturally. Don't force it, because your expectations may cause you both to be disappointed with the result and leave you further behind than you started!
Best of luck.
P.S I'm in the situation of practically living with my boyfriend, but we've been going through some really rough times for the last few months. I'm trying to regain the spark after being together for a couple of years and weathering some tough storms. Any advice would be appreciated!