How to regain trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
How to regain trust
3
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 10:29pm

For starters, my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Things are absolutely wonderful when we're together but it seems that when we're not..well things tend to dampen sometimes.

It had started in the beginning of our relationship, I was still dealing with issues concerning my ex boyfriend because he was having a hard time letting go, as was I in some ways, but I wanted things to be over with completely so that I could move on with the guy I had crushed on for 3 years. I had been the type of person to simply deal with things on my own and not get others involved so that it would happen as quickly and painless as possible, meaning I had kept matters between my ex and me from my current boyfriend. He eventually found out about it and got really upset with me. I completely understood why, so I've been open about anything and everything just about because losing him is something I'm not wanting.

A few months later I had met with some friends for coffee as a good-bye ceremony because the summer was ending and we were on the verge of starting college. I decided to hang out with 2 of my guy friends for a little while longer, offering to take them home, and we talked about academics, politics, anything crazy because they're highly intellectual guys. Well, the next morning I had awoken to some heart stomping, gutting, ripping.. anything gruesome and excruciating could fit there, text messages from my boyfriend. It had turned out my mom told him when he called looking for me that I was out with some guys, which was BS cause I told her I was going to the coffee shop, not even mentioning with who. Not really sure how she got her facts mixed up but even after my sobbing explanation, I could tell his trust for me had still dwindled.

Then back in September is where I really, REALLY messed things up. I am guilty of having a flirty personality and sometimes don't realize it. I have the tendency of NOT thinking before making a move and I don't look back at my actions until I'm called out for them. I made the biggest mistake ever of hitting on another guy without even realizing what the hell I was doing. I got caught up in the cute, jokingly funny comments we had always shared back and forth and for some inexcusable reason I fell for the bait and really hurt the person I love more than I have ever loved before. "That doesn't make sense.. you wouldn't do that to someone you loved.." YES I KNOW BUT I'M FOOLISH AND DID. I'm imperfect just like everyone else and I am the type of person that only learns when mistakes are made no matter how bad they are. Never before in my previous relationships have I been called out for the "dos and donts" in a relationship. This is my first time being told that I'm wrong and realizing that I actually am.

I talk through things as much as I can with him to assure him that I am changing, God knows that I am trying because he is who I want to spend every moment given with. He is literally the right to everything that's wrong with me. He hates having to correct me and even more going through everything I've done to him, but he does it because he loves me. However trust is ONE of the main things you HAVE to have in order for a relationship to be successful. We both want this to work but rather than allowing time and my caution of things heal this, is there any way possible that I can prove to him that I'm going to be faithful and better about things sooner? I need to regain his trust. I have all the faith in the world in us but sometimes I'm unsure if we see eye to eye on that because of the ways he's spoken to me about things.

If anyone has taken the time to read this all the way through, I thank you. I'd really like some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-22-2007 - 11:43pm

Dbc, you've written one thing which made my alarm bells go off: "he hates having to correct me".

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 12:41am

Welcome to the board dbc806,


::He hates having to correct me and even more going through everything I've done to him, but he does it because he loves me.


This is a red flag for me as well.


If YOU are unhappy with your behavior, choices, actions, decisions, then you will have to work on changing them for YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2007
Tue, 10-23-2007 - 12:43pm

Oh my, I didn't realize I was making him sound terrible, lol. No believe that he is absolutely wonderful to me. He's not controlling in any way, we mutually feel that there should be an equal balance of pretty much everything in the relationship whether if it concerns power or responsibility. He walked into us knowing that I tend to have more guy friends than girl friends and he's completely okay with that, it's just the fact that he doesn't know those friends and because, I'm assuming, of insecurities he was caught off guard to what my mom had told him, the problem with that is that she tends to make statements that aren't even me if that makes sense. She's one to say that we're flirts and it's okay as long as flirting is all it gets to. I don't want to be that. I see wrong in it and feel that flirting could eventually lead to more and I'm not wanting that which is why I'm wanting to gain control over my own actions;however, I know that all falls on me.

Now in saying that he corrects me, I mean that he helps me to realize that "hey this shouldn't be done if you're in a committed relationship," such as the flirting and other things related. I'm use to talking to other guys, usually ones that I had been attracted to, just as I would my own boyfriend. This time though everything is completely different, I want to turn myself around and put that life behind because this is what I want and I don't want to continue doing this to jeopardize losing him.

As for the ex boyfriend the issue was trying to return everything of his to him and come to some sort of closure, at least for myself, so that I was able to move on whether he had or not. I was the one that ended things and I need self satisfaction I suppose. Neither of us have slept with anyone except each other, which is amazing in my opinion, so there's no thing going on with that. The other guy I have never had desire for, he's just cute and we'd always been flirty friends and he made a comment to me and I responded back in the same manner which shouldn't have been done either way.

This guy is honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and as mentioned I'm wanting to let go of that flirty, attention craving from other guys past and move on to what I foresee as my future. Everything feels right in that for us from both ends, neither of us have felt this way for anyone else so we're really wanting to see where this goes although we're not rushing into anything. We're both still in school and I'm not going to make any sort of permanent commitment until I'm at least finished with schooling.

The main factor is that he's the type that has a hard time forgiving and as he said I'm the first person he's tried to do that with. He's trying because he wants this as much as I do, it's just hard for him to let go because he's afraid of getting hurt in the long run. I've told him that in order for us to move forward he has to have the ability to let go of mistakes that can be forgiven. I'm more of the one that forgives quickly, I'll sleep something off that bothers me after discussion and such. He on the other hand draws things out and it takes him longer to release himself from those thoughts and be okay.

I hope I clarified the miscommunication for you. I don't want you at all to think that he is the controlling type because he's not in any way whatsoever. I'm not the type of girl to put myself through something like that, I would be alone for the rest of my life if every guy were that way. Everything in him is good, and I'm not just saying that to ignore the bads like some would, I've seen and dealt with friends that do that. I'm sort of like the relationship adviser amongst those I associate with but unfortunately those friends don't think as I do which is why I'm in need of professional or at least logical help.