How to regain the trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
How to regain the trust?
16
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 1:41pm

Hi,

me and bf have been together almost 2 years. I admit it was rocky relationship from the start, i fell in love before him, and he made it clear when he was not in love. I accepted the fact and we continued seeing each other. We broke up a few times, but we've been together since the last break up for 5 month now. About a month ago he admited being in love with me and everything was wonderful, like our relationship was reborn and was better then ever, even talking about our future together, moving in, and I even gave him my house key. I have always been truthful and loyal to him and never ever kept contact with any exes or so called friends...(before we met i had met other people which i had casual relationships, there was sex involved, but once i  realized it was just that and not leading into a relationship i would put an end to it). Last June, when me and bf broke up , i casually texted a guy who i had met before, we never made plans to meet only casual conversation, nothing more. Once me and bf got together i told this person that me and bf were back together, and to not contact me anymore, to avoid any troubles. Last Saturday night i received a text from this guy, saying hi, which i ignored. The next day he texted me again claiming how rude i was for ignoring him, I texted back telling him to stop messaging me. He texted back a rude reply, and i told him to stop contacting me! After that my bf who was over, took my phone without me noticing and started downloading music into my phone. I got really nervous. My bf asked me to type my password in order to download, and then i noticed i had a message. My bf asked if i had a message, so i panic and said no. Later on my bf confronted me about the message and i lied saying it was my girlfriend asking me to go out. In the past i have been judged and have not gotten his support over other guys bothering me, he always held things against me an blamed me, so i got scared that we would ruin our happiness and it to avoid conflit, i decided to not tell the truth about the incident. I felt terrible about not telling him the truth, i really wants us to have an honest no lies relationship. Well, a few days went on and he was still lingering about the incident, so i decided to tell him everything. He said that i hurted him, and now he has to take a step back from where we were (thinking about the future together, etc). He has lost the trust from me, that he's having a hard time believing me or any word i say...and that he needs space. It's been a few days, he has called me once each day, but very dry, our conversations are short, not the same.  I'm so afraid to loose him...i regret all this. I told him that i didn't know that i could come to him and tell him everything from when it happened, i told him i got scared. I told him i was sorry. How do i fix this, how do i regain my happiness and his trust back?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 12:52pm
To music lover: that is so true. I've been honest with him on everything, I'm not a cheater, could never disrespect someone that way, love him too much...I never wanted to lie, never want to hide anything, because it eats away on me....but by fear of his reaction i got scared....and lied, was never my intention to hurt him. Now we are hardly speaking, he calls me once every night, our calls are short, he's not the same. He said he needed space, time to warm up to me again, so i feel that i'm in the waiting room.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 3:34pm

luizinha wrote:
<p>Hi,</p><p>me and bf have been together almost 2 years. I admit it was rocky relationship from the start, i fell in love before him, and he made it clear when he was not in love. I accepted the fact and we continued seeing each other. We broke up a few times, but we've been together since the last break up for 5 month now. About a month ago he admited being in love with me and everything was wonderful, like our relationship was reborn and was better then ever, even talking about our future together, moving in, and I even gave him my house key. I have always been truthful and loyal to him and never ever kept contact with any exes or so called friends...(before we met i had met other people which i had casual relationships, there was sex involved, but once i  realized it was just that and not leading into a relationship i would put an end to it). Last June, when me and bf broke up , i casually texted a guy who i had met before, we never made plans to meet only casual conversation, nothing more. Once me and bf got together i told this person that me and bf were back together, and to not contact me anymore, to avoid any troubles. Last Saturday night i received a text from this guy, saying hi, which i ignored. The next day he texted me again claiming how rude i was for ignoring him, I texted back telling him to stop messaging me. He texted back a rude reply, and i told him to stop contacting me! After that my bf who was over, took my phone without me noticing and started downloading music into my phone. I got really nervous. My bf asked me to type my password in order to download, and then i noticed i had a message. My bf asked if i had a message, so i panic and said no. Later on my bf confronted me about the message and i lied saying it was my girlfriend asking me to go out. In the past i have been judged and have not gotten his support over other guys bothering me, he always held things against me an blamed me, so i got scared that we would ruin our happiness and it to avoid conflit, i decided to not tell the truth about the incident. I felt terrible about not telling him the truth, i really wants us to have an honest no lies relationship. Well, a few days went on and he was still lingering about the incident, so i decided to tell him everything. He said that i hurted him, and now he has to take a step back from where we were (thinking about the future together, etc). He has lost the trust from me, that he's having a hard time believing me or any word i say...and that he needs space. It's been a few days, he has called me once each day, but very dry, our conversations are short, not the same.  I'm so afraid to loose him...i regret all this. I told him that i didn't know that i could come to him and tell him everything from when it happened, i told him i got scared. I told him i was sorry. How do i fix this, how do i regain my happiness and his trust back?</p>

I"m really suspicious about your boyfriend, out of the blue, taking your phone without your permission to "download music".  I think your boyfriend made up an excuse to snoop through your phone because, as you said, In the past i have been judged and have not gotten his support over other guys bothering me, he always held things against me an blamed me

I don't think that he loves you so much as he loves this control he has over you. Big difference.  He's got you throwing away platonic, innocent relationships with other guys to assuage his insecurities. He's held you at bay for so long that any show of affection from him was like water to someone who'd been wandering in a desert.  Now when a guy you've told numerous times to leave you alone calls, the fact that your boyfriend will hold it against you, blame you and judge you forced you to make a bad decision, but as TBS said, if you'd told the truth instead of lied, you'd still have gotten the same treatment from him.  So IMO, he was looking for an excuse to do exactly what he set about doing by making an issue about not being able to access your text messages... and really, had he read them then he would have read you telling the dude to get lost.

I don't believe the he is mature enough for what a relationship entails if he's acting like this.  Were he adult about it, then he would not be making you divest yourself of friendships, making you walk on eggshells because you fear losing his love of control over you (it isn't love for you, that's for sure).

I think you need to think long and hard about taking him back--how many more yaers of your youth are you going to pour down that bottomless hole over him? Years you will never get back. 

He has to want to trust you--and if he feels he's found a really good weapon for his arsenal, then he's not going to be inclined to give it up if he can use it against you when it suits his fancy.  There is nothing you can do--not lie would be the only thing you should have done differently, but you'd still be dealing with the loss of his trust because he would have held behavior you engaged in while you were broken up against you as his reason for backing off.  I dare say he's been looking for a reason to do just that for some time now.

This is a no win situation.  He's got a whole lot of growing up he needs to be doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 3:43pm
Here's an update... things are not better. He asked for space last Friday, but he still called me at night every day but not last night. Last night i was very down and upset, so i messaged asking if i could see him. He didn't answer me, and he didn't call me. Today at noon he messaged back saying: "Sorry, very busy!!!'. i didn't reply right away i was upset with that message. Then i replied: "no worries, i won't bother you", he answer right away saying: "Great, thanks!"...Have i made things worse? Have i agravated him more? This is killing me. What to do in this situation?
Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 11:42am

luizinha wrote:
Here's an update... things are not better. He asked for space last Friday, but he still called me at night every day but not last night. Last night i was very down and upset, so i messaged asking if i could see him. He didn't answer me, and he didn't call me. Today at noon he messaged back saying: "Sorry, very busy!!!'. i didn't reply right away i was upset with that message. Then i replied: "no worries, i won't bother you", he answer right away saying: "Great, thanks!"...Have i made things worse? Have i agravated him more? This is killing me. What to do in this situation?

Why are you allowing him to have this power of you? Kendahke is right that he holds you at bay so that any affection from him is like water in a desert - you would just so grateful that he's not mad at you, you don't even stop to consider how unfair and wrong HIS behavior is! He's got you fearful that you've aggravated him more just by asking to see him and when you tell him that you won't bother him, he thinks it's great. Does that not give you a clue that he does not really care for you as much as you do for him? 

Have you considered ANY of the advice everyone has given you? You ask what to do in this situation. What I would do is stop obsessing over a manipulative man who wants only to control me and start doing things for myself. I'd do my best to forget about someone who makes me fearful when I've done nothing wrong and remind myself that I deserve better. I'd tell him that after the way he's treated me, HE should be begging ME to take him back, not the other way around. Then I'd go hang out with people who genuinely love and appreciate me and don't attempt to control and manipulate me with fear. And if I never heard from him again? Good riddance. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 12:20pm

The other posters are right, Luizinha--you are being manipulated cleverly by a devious man.  Notice how everything is YOUR fault, how YOU  are begging to see him.  He is putting all the responsibility for the relationship on you, and if he decides to end it, YOU'LL get the blame.

Right now, he's giving you the ability to move on without him, if you'll take it.  He doesn't think you will; he thinks that when you've learned your lesson, he'll take you back, but he'll make sure you pay for what you've done "wrong."  Do you see how he's destroying your self-esteem and your independence?  Please don't let him suck any more power from you.  Block his number and move on.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 10:35am

luizinha wrote:
Here's an update... things are not better. He asked for space last Friday, but he still called me at night every day but not last night. Last night i was very down and upset, so i messaged asking if i could see him. He didn't answer me, and he didn't call me. Today at noon he messaged back saying: "Sorry, very busy!!!'. i didn't reply right away i was upset with that message. Then i replied: "no worries, i won't bother you", he answer right away saying: "Great, thanks!"...Have i made things worse? Have i agravated him more? This is killing me. What to do in this situation?

1. A person who truly wants space will not call you every night hence.

2. A person who will not return a text message is not busy--he wanted to play manipulation games with you because he loves the control he has over you more than he cares about you.

3. A person who replies to a post that said "no worries, I won't bother you" with "Great, thanks!" is someone who doesn't give a flying fig about you.  If they truly and sincerely cared about you, that would be the last thing with which they'd respond.  They'd have called you long before noon the next day and given you an answer.

So, how in the world can what you did make a bad situation worse? I don't think it's so much that you've aggravated him more than it is you've fed the beast raw red meat.  You keep feeding this by your lack of esteem and self worth. You've shoveled bucket loads of it over to him and you see how he esteems it.

Many of us have given you advice on what to do in this situation, but it doesn't appear that you are reading it or giving any of it serious consideration.  I understand the heart wants what the heart wants, but there comes a time when the head has to check the heart and takes over the decision making.  You have got to go retrieve your self, which you've set adrift over this dude.  This man does not possess the requisite estimation of you in order to fully be part of and invest in a relationship... and your self is so far gone adrift that you cannot fully be part of or invest in a healthy relationship.  Control of another person is not love. Withholding affection and attention is not love.  Being mean is not love.

Do you like the person you have to become in order to have this man in your life?

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