How to regain the trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
How to regain the trust?
16
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 1:41pm

Hi,

me and bf have been together almost 2 years. I admit it was rocky relationship from the start, i fell in love before him, and he made it clear when he was not in love. I accepted the fact and we continued seeing each other. We broke up a few times, but we've been together since the last break up for 5 month now. About a month ago he admited being in love with me and everything was wonderful, like our relationship was reborn and was better then ever, even talking about our future together, moving in, and I even gave him my house key. I have always been truthful and loyal to him and never ever kept contact with any exes or so called friends...(before we met i had met other people which i had casual relationships, there was sex involved, but once i  realized it was just that and not leading into a relationship i would put an end to it). Last June, when me and bf broke up , i casually texted a guy who i had met before, we never made plans to meet only casual conversation, nothing more. Once me and bf got together i told this person that me and bf were back together, and to not contact me anymore, to avoid any troubles. Last Saturday night i received a text from this guy, saying hi, which i ignored. The next day he texted me again claiming how rude i was for ignoring him, I texted back telling him to stop messaging me. He texted back a rude reply, and i told him to stop contacting me! After that my bf who was over, took my phone without me noticing and started downloading music into my phone. I got really nervous. My bf asked me to type my password in order to download, and then i noticed i had a message. My bf asked if i had a message, so i panic and said no. Later on my bf confronted me about the message and i lied saying it was my girlfriend asking me to go out. In the past i have been judged and have not gotten his support over other guys bothering me, he always held things against me an blamed me, so i got scared that we would ruin our happiness and it to avoid conflit, i decided to not tell the truth about the incident. I felt terrible about not telling him the truth, i really wants us to have an honest no lies relationship. Well, a few days went on and he was still lingering about the incident, so i decided to tell him everything. He said that i hurted him, and now he has to take a step back from where we were (thinking about the future together, etc). He has lost the trust from me, that he's having a hard time believing me or any word i say...and that he needs space. It's been a few days, he has called me once each day, but very dry, our conversations are short, not the same.  I'm so afraid to loose him...i regret all this. I told him that i didn't know that i could come to him and tell him everything from when it happened, i told him i got scared. I told him i was sorry. How do i fix this, how do i regain my happiness and his trust back?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 11:00pm

Luizinha, your boyfriend certainly has jumping through hoops hasn't he.    Have you forgotten that the whole reason you lied was because he would be upset at you for being honest about talking with another man?  So, either way, truth or lie - he would have been upset with you.  

Of course, he would never admit that his predictable criticism is the very reason you lied, would he.  I bet he's the type of person who's never wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 7:33pm
To musiclover: this other guy knew I had a bf. I told him as soon as he messaged me, I told him that me and my bf were back together, and to not text me anymore. We didn't meet or hung out, just casual text, like what's new etc. I was shocked when he texted me 4 months later, at first I ignored then he continued and became more persistent. I panicked and tried to deal with it on my own, and I thought that if I told my bf he would not understand and blame me, therefore creating conflit in my relationship, which had never been better, we were in such a good place that the last thing I wanted was for it to fall apart. I panicked and lied at first, I felt so awful about it and then decided to tell bf everything, which in turn made things as they are now. He's hurt and asked for space...I feel sad and miserabel about all this. I miss him. I jus wants things back as they were before this incident.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 4:42pm

All you can do is be honest at this point. If he cannot acceot your explanation, then that is on him and there is nothing you can do about it. The other poster is right, you can't hide things and lie. You have to be able to tell him the truth, and if he cannot handle or believe the truth, then you have to let him go. You cannot go on dodging text messages, etc, for the rest of your life. If other people can't stop texting you then you can usually block them, but that would be in addition to you simply telling the truth about who is texting. If you have nothing to hide then you can hold your head up high and at least know you carried your end of the relationship honorably.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 4:22pm

I think he just forgot a comma & it should have read "No, lying is not an acceptable method of dealing with people."  I agree---I can't believe the relationship is that good if you were afraid to be honest w/ your BF.  All you had to say is that you dated or hung out with this guy while you & he had broken up.  and I really don't know why you were so rude to the other guy--did he know you were in a relationship now?  If not, that's all you had to say "sorry, I'm not interested in you any more cause I have a BF."  If your BF is so jealous that he wouldn't accept that you could have a BF when you were broken up, he's not a good guy.  But lying to him isn't good either so I could see why he's mad at you now.  There's not much you could do now because you did tell the truth & apologize, so now it's up to him to forgive you or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 2:53pm
xxxs.. what do you mean by this coment: "No lying is not an acceptable method of dealing with people.??"
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 2:17pm

  Okay that was two errors.  One throwing away friendships just because is unwise.  All of us will have to acknowledge other people in the intendeds life.  Mature people realize this.  No lying is not an acceptable method of dealing with people.  Lying comes back on you.  Your BF does not sound like he is mature.  This to me is a very big red flag.  Your life does not need to be a open book.  If he cannot accept your explanation then perhaps you are misplacing your emotions.   It also reads like you did not feel that you could be straight with him.  Those are two really big red flags.

chaika

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