How to regain your partner's trust?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
How to regain your partner's trust?
2
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 4:15pm
My partner and I have been together for about ten years. We got together very young and I believe I have ruined the chances of us growing old together. Looking back we always had problems with communication. Approximately a year ago I decided I wanted to go back to school. He disagreed with the idea and his reasonh being that our relationship was not strong enough add anything new on the plate. In hindsight he was right. I have a bad habit of getting myself invoved in many different things to avoid dealing with problems. While I was in school I associated myself with males that he did not know, which was a no no in our relationship. I always got myself into a business venture that he had no knowledge of. I would frequently go out on the weekends. There were times I went to just "get away" and there were other times that I was conducting business with my secret venture (another avenue to get away). I was very unhappy at home and I belive now that I was most unhappy with myself. Once I began to lie to try to "cover" my tracks I found myself making up more lies to cover the initial lies I told and before I knew I had gotten myself in real deep. He accused me of dealing with males and I completely denied it. We ended up splitting up over this past summer. My deceitfulness cost of our home, our sense of normality and my self respect. How can one come back from this. He is struggling with the thought that I lied to him amd males were involved. I fell so disgusted at what I have aloowed myself to do and the pain I have caused my family. I would appreciate any assistance that can be provided. I want to have meaning conversations with him regadring this situation but I become very defensive like I normally do. It is hard for me to accept the fact that I screwed up royally. Although he says he loves me and wants to work it out, I can't help feeling that our relationship has been destroyed beyond recognition. I am seeking some sound advice from people who have experienced this situation first hand because it is easy to give advice but the advice is more effective if you have shared the similar experinces. Thank you in advance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:26pm
Regaining trust is not an easy thing. Mostly your behavior (or change in behavior) leads the way by example, so that means you tell him what you are doing, when you are doing it, why you are doing it (whatever IT is).

The other obvious thing to do is get yourself into counseling to help you figure yourself out. So you will know what makes you tick, what motivates you and why you chose the things you chose to escape, not deal, hid, lie, etc.

My best to you on your path of self-awareness.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:39pm
Hi Desire,

Q & A. Start from scratch and work your way up. Question: why do I run from my relationship problems instead of facing them? Do I run from all problems or just relationship problems? when i associated myself with these men from school was i looking for a subsititue to what i was missing at home? What is missing at home? If you didn't have sex with the males from school you have one leg up. Dealing with sexual infidelity is very very tough. Why don't I dicuss my business realtions with my partner? Is he not supportive? If he doesn't support these ventures do I know why? If you have had communication problems for 10 years you probably have a stack of unresolved issues. It's time to get them resolved. You can't just look at this particual incident. You have to dig back into the archives and pull out all the unresolved issues and deal with them. Keep the resolved issues barried! That is important you don't want to waste time dealing with issues you already delt with. Recognize that this is going to be a long process. You have 10 years to undue and you can't fix 10 years of communication trouble with 2 mintues of screaming and yelling or 20 mins of great sex. You have to commit to really talking out your problems one by one and one at a time. In the mean time open yourself up to your man. He wants to be a part of your life, let him. Today you can help the trust factor by not lieing and not keeping secrets. Tonight if you are not together take sometime and evaluate yourself and what issues you have with him, yourself and your realtionship. Ask him to do the same. Then come to the table decide what the root cause is or when the trouble began and start from there. Good Luck to you!