How serious is this? Cheating??
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How serious is this? Cheating??
| Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:05am |
Here's what happened to me. I am deperate for help in deciphering this situation and making sense of it...Discovered a few weeks ago that my husband of 13 years (I'm pregnant with our third child) was carrying on an email only relationship with his college girlfriend. It started 6 years ago when she emailed our home ( his mother gave this woman our email address) to say hello. He showed me the email, and asked me if we should respond. I said no, what's the point. So he told me he deleted the message, and said he didn't care. Fast forward 6 years to just a few weeks ago. I was sitting in his office waiting for him when I accidentally stumbled across a hotmail account of his, with several emails exchanged between them within that week alone. I was completely floored. The messages were only friendly in nature, however the level of familiarity between them sickened me. He told me that he opened the account after I asked him to not make contact with her, furthermore, she was the only person who had that email address. So that account was used just for the two of them. He also says emails were only exchanged a couple of times a year, around each of their birthdays. The fact that he even still remembers her birthday also sickens me. He deleted all of the messages, so there is really no hard proof of what he says. He ven delted the emails that I first discovered, after I had only quickly read through them once.
My husband is a high ranking military officer, and I love him with every ounce of my being. We have been through seven major deployments, with us being seperated for up to 8 months at a time. Trust has been essential, and I have never questioned him before now. Although I believe that he has never actually cheated on me, I am still devastated by this email betrayal. I spoke to the woman involved on the phone, and she says her own husband knew they kept in touch, and that it was harmless. No phone calls or meetings. She even admitted that all of the email contact was always initiated by her, he never emailed her first. He even had ended emails occassionally with "do not respond." But this never stopped him from checking that account, to see if she had written. If it was so harmless and meaningless, why this secret account and need to be sneaky? He didn't seem particularly interested in keeping in touch with her at all when we first heard from her. He said, "whatever." To further add to the betrayal, my mother in law has also kept in fairly close contact with this woman, and has even sent her pictures of our children! This was also done without anyone ever asking me. For all I knew, my husband's ex was history, and the only contact she'd had with anyone in the family was that one unanswered email years ago.
Adding to the fact that I don't know if I can believe/trust my husband is my anger and sense of invasion of privacy by this woman. For 6 years she has known all of the major developments of our life, completely without my knowledge or consent. I have known nothing of her.
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? What should I do? My pregnancy hormones are raging, and I just can't make sense of all of this.
Help!!
My husband is a high ranking military officer, and I love him with every ounce of my being. We have been through seven major deployments, with us being seperated for up to 8 months at a time. Trust has been essential, and I have never questioned him before now. Although I believe that he has never actually cheated on me, I am still devastated by this email betrayal. I spoke to the woman involved on the phone, and she says her own husband knew they kept in touch, and that it was harmless. No phone calls or meetings. She even admitted that all of the email contact was always initiated by her, he never emailed her first. He even had ended emails occassionally with "do not respond." But this never stopped him from checking that account, to see if she had written. If it was so harmless and meaningless, why this secret account and need to be sneaky? He didn't seem particularly interested in keeping in touch with her at all when we first heard from her. He said, "whatever." To further add to the betrayal, my mother in law has also kept in fairly close contact with this woman, and has even sent her pictures of our children! This was also done without anyone ever asking me. For all I knew, my husband's ex was history, and the only contact she'd had with anyone in the family was that one unanswered email years ago.
Adding to the fact that I don't know if I can believe/trust my husband is my anger and sense of invasion of privacy by this woman. For 6 years she has known all of the major developments of our life, completely without my knowledge or consent. I have known nothing of her.
Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? What should I do? My pregnancy hormones are raging, and I just can't make sense of all of this.
Help!!

I have an ex-boyfriend that I vaguely keep in touch with - he was my first love, long ago and though NOTHING will ever happen between us, it's nice to keep in touch every once and while, send pictures of the kids, find out what's going on -- when I was left by my husband shortly after I had my daughter - he sent me $500 to help out - what a gentleman. But his wife has nothing to worry about - I'm not after him in any way, shape or form - but he is part of my history and I don't see anything wrong with exchanging the odd e-mail. I don't know what he tells his wife about this, because historically, she had issues about me when they first got together -- I could never quite understand that either -- I mean as far as I was concerned, he'd broken my heart and he was marrying her - why on earth would she be upset?
I don't think you have anything to worry about - and I'd certainly stop losing sleep over it. Why don't you tell your husband that he can keep in contact with anybody he likes, just as long as he's honest about it? That way, you'll avoid situations like the one you are in now.
Coolas
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
I just don't see nothing wrong with you being upset. I feel like I am in your shoes cause' that just pissed me off so bad!
Girl stand your ground! I'm just speechless over all of this. But I feel you're doing nothing wrong.
Good Luck!
Carey
I agree, you are not wrong to be upset by this "secret friendship" of six years.
Thank you for being so pissed off for me! I've gotten lots of good responses that have really validated my feelings. My husband is doing his best to make ammends with me, but it's ultimately something I have to get straight for myself. I am choosing to believe that it was purely platonic, sporadic communication to vaguely stay in touch, just like any of his other college friends. The part that really gets me is that it was all behind my back, and went on for SIX YEARS.
Regarding my monster-in-law....I did let her have it for sending pictures of the kids to that woman. She is acting like the big victim in all of this, like I was looking for a reason to blame her. Whatever. We had a great relationship beofre all of this, so I don't get why she didn't just say, , "hey, do you mind that I'm in touch with your husband's ex? And I also sent her a few pictures." It would have annoyed me, but I could have lived with it.
Ultimately it's the betrayal issue for both my husband and mother in law. And I'm 7 months pregnant and ULTRA hormonal, which adds to my already emotional state!
Thank you so much for your support. I love this forum, it has helped me a ton.
take care,
Caroline
Thank you for your concern. I think you hit the nail right on the head, as did the other respondants.
What has really made this the most awful for me is what an ideal marriage we have had for over 12 years. Lots of love, hugs, laughs, intimacy, the whole nine yards. Now I'm feeling insecure and quesioning his integrity, and I hate that. He hates it even more that now I'm questioning his every move. He knows he has to earn back my trust, but I don't think I'll ever have that same untarnished feeling again. This will always be there, the innocence of our marriage is gone. That's a fact.
Thanks again for all of your concern, you guys have really helped me.
Caroline
Needless to say this is a shocking and disturbing situation. But you must try very hard to keep it in perspective. Firstly, you say that your husband has never given you any reason at all to doubt him or distrust him. This correspondence, while secret, does not constitute cheating. It is unfortunate, and I can understand that it would cause you to wonder about him, but it is not cheating. You must decide whether or not you can trust him. No relationship can be stable without a foundation of mutual trust. Talk this over thoroughly with him. Demand that he have his mother discontinue her behavior and stay away from this woman. (This is also extremely troubling).
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
I've listened to what all of you have said and really taken it to heart. I am going to try to have a talk with my husband tonight. He feels like we should be able to just put this past us and move on. Well...it's not that easy for me. Thoughts and questions are constantly popping into my mind, and I need his support and reassurance right now. I don't want to just pretend like nothing happened.
Please keep the great comments coming, they really do mean a lot to me, every one of them.
Caroline