how to tell if he has cheated

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
how to tell if he has cheated
6
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 5:41pm

My husband and I have been married for 20 years. There are not most of your typical signs for cheating-although we don't have a very active sex life because of our differing schedules, it hasn't changed much for the past 10 years.

The reason I am suspicious is I found condoms in his car. About 1 1/2 years ago I found cigarettes in his car (work vehicle that I only drive in with him) I confronted him, mostly because this is not something he ever does in front of me and I didn't like the idea of him having a secret like that. I basically said, although I thought it was a horrible thing to do, if he was going to smoke to do it in front of me. He apologized, said it was dumb and he didn't know why he was doing it but he didn't want to and would stop. After that I found some pot in his car once. It was well hidden and I couldn't confront him without it being obvious I was snooping. I threw it away and haven't looked secretly in his car in a long time. My car was in the shop this week and I had to use his car while he was out of town at a meeting. (Drove with other guy so I know he was there). I couldn't resist looking and found another small bag of pot, 3 condoms which looked pretty new and 2 pass keys for a Days Inn Hotel. I have no idea how long they have been there, but I know the case they are in is his so I doubt someone else left them there. He doesn't have a credit card in his name so I know there have not been any hotels charged, he would have had to use cash. There is not that much free time in his life for an affair, so I find it hard to believe this is happening. But the evidence is pretty strong. I don't want to confront him because I first have to admit I was snooping and I would rather be very sure of accusations before I go there. Any suggestions on what to do? His cell phone is through work so I don't get bill. I did check to see if any recent calls were unusual but didn't see any. I don't know much about how to use cell phones as I don't have one, so I'm afraid to snoop too much and accidentally call someone or something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 1:19am
i hate to say anything but all those secrets about the smoking and the pot... you shouldnt have secrets like that from your spouse...and finding condoms on top of it and a hotel key... i would without a doubt confront him on this and dont take some bulls**t excuse from him. has his behavior changed??? his affection?? choosing other things and people over you? canceled plans? stuff lik that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 7:32am

Peachy is right--you HAVE the evidence. It's not necessary to actually see him in the act to know he is untrustworthy. It is true that when you talk to him about this , he will turn it around on you and accuse you of snooping. HOWEVER, it is your car, too, and if you had been in an accident with it and the responding officers had found the pot, it would have been YOU sitting in jail. He endangered you by hiding an illegal substance in a car he knew you might have occasion to drive, and set himself up to be busted by leaving the condoms and the room keys.

Right now, it's natural that you're in denial. Once you have accepted that you know what you know, it will be easier to make a decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 9:52pm
He left the condoms and the hotel keys there for you to find eventually since he already knew you have snooped before.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 12:05am
Nope, I don't think so. I didn't snoop through the car really the first time, the cigarettes were not that hard to find. There is nothing he hates more than confrontation and I guarantee if I were to let him know I found them, he would cry and apologize profusely. We have been together 22 years, and though I hate to think he could do something like this and still live with himself and our life as if nothing has happened, I know that everyone is capable of hiding things they don't want to face and I am sure he had no intention of me finding any of these things. I believe he is capable of cheating, because I'm not sure anyone is immune from this, but I am pretty sure if he has, he has created two different worlds, ours and his.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 4:45am
I think you should confront him. All you have to say is that you had to use his car because yours was in the shop (which is not a lie) and you decided to clean it/wash it for him and you found those things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 10:07am

" . . . I am pretty sure if he has, he has created two different worlds, ours and his."

What difference does that make? Unless you are comfortable having your husband living in two worlds, he is still untrustworthy. I think you are reacting specifically to the suggestion that he wanted you to find the condoms, the pot, and the room keys, and you feel that this is not the case. Let's look at it from the opposite perspective, then, and assume that he did NOT want you to find these things.

This is a man for whom his car is his castle. When he gets into his car, he is transformed into a different person, one who smokes pot, uses condoms, and visits the Days Inn. You are not supposed to know that person, because he's not your husband, the individual who cries and apologizes when he's confronted. I would have a lot of trouble with this scenario, but he's not my husband.

Good luck with whateve you decide to do. I know this is a very painful and confusing time for you.