HPV and lies
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| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 6:00pm |
This is going to be a long post.
I am 30 and my fiance is 35. I have never been married and he was married years ago for around 3 years. We met and it was a whirlwind romance. After six weeks of dating, he proposed and I accepted on the condition our engagment lasted a year. We now live together and our wedding is planned for Aug. 15th.
I asked him at the very start about his sexual history. He told me the last time he had sex with anyone was in Jan. We met in Aug. We started to have protected sex. After we got engaged and I went back on the pill, we started to have unprotected sex. In Jan, I found out that I have HPV. I had a pap last June and no hpv. Every previous pap, I had since I was 18 - no HPV. So, I began asking more questions. I just assumed that the strain of the virus he had managed to live beyond the 6 months. He said his last girlfriend was virgin so I was stumped. Had a colpo done in Feb. Now its March and I have to do surgery to remove the pre cancerous cells. I start digging even more. He finally admitted to dating a girl for about a month right before he met me. He told me nothing sexual had happened. I pressed him a little just because it didn't make sense. I asked him maybe his ex wasn't a virgin. He finally told me he had sex with the girl he had dated for four weeks, maybe twice.
Now, I feel he has been lying to me ever since we met and he has put my health in danger. He said it was because he really liked me and didn't want to lose me but I told him it was my decision to make. I am a bit more conservative. I asked him why he lied when I asked him "did you have sex with her" and he said that he panic.
I don't know if I will trust him again. We have started to go to Church. He used to drink about twice a week and he had given that up and basically has done anything I asked. He freely gave me his email and myspce account passwords. I have access to our itemized phone statement but to me all that stuff doesn't matter. He lied, over and over again. To me, he deceived me.
The problem is, and I know this is cliche, is that I do love him. Other than this, he is wonderful. He helps with the household duties, is kind and considerate. I know he loves me. I told him no more lies and no more half truths or I won't marry him. He promised. How do I get over this betryal? He said he is willing to do anything but what can he do? Am I making a mistake by marrying him? He told me he was going to tell me before the wedding. I do not care about his previous relationships, but I wanted him to be honest.


Hi dragonfly_kf,
I have a friend (very young only 2 sex partners) that wanted info about HPV, from a great site I found this:
HPV, also called Human Papilloma Virus:
HPV is the abbreviation for a common virus, human papilloma virus, which is responsible for warts of various kinds, including genital, plantar and flat warts. Certain HPV types cause warts on the extremities, but many other HPV types cause warts on the genitalia. Hundreds of thousands of new cases of HPV occur in the United States each year.
Causes of HPV or Human Papilloma Virus:
Common modes of transmission of HPV include sexual contact and any type of skin-to-skin contact. Human papilloma virus infection can also be transmitted during childbirth. It has been proven that HPV can be recovered from fingernail brushings and therefore could be transmitted by shaking hands.
Shaking HANDS - can you imagine?
You should also get checked for Hepatitis.
Consider going to pre-marital counseling to help you work through the betrayal of his lies.
Obviously, the problem here is not so much the HPV as the lies and betrayal. (Betrayal not in the sense of cheating during the relationship.) Your bf is doing all the things he should be doing in making his life an open book and being accountable. That is a HUGE point in his favor, IMO.
You are still hurting. That's understandable. I'm glad that you haven't made any rushed and rash decisions. Because of the depth of your pain, I would suggest that the two of you go to some pre-marital counseling. If you do so with a good counselor, you will at least know that you made every effort to recover what you had. The good thing that can come of this is an even stronger relationship than you had before if you can work through this.
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/finding.html is an article you can read on finding a good counselor. In addition to the advice presented in the article, I suggest that you ask what his/her specialty is and what extra training s/he has had outside of his/her degree. If the person has not had trainings outside of his/her degree in marriage/couples counseling, I would not even consider them regardless of how they advertise or what they say their specialty is. This is extremely indicative of a good counselor.
In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away
-shing xiong
I'm really sorry you're in this situation. It's horrible and scary. I understand your anger as I have had a personal experience with HPV. My cousins have had pre-cancerous and cancerous cells found in their cervix and I have had lesions removed from my cervix as well.
But here's the thing... looking for someone to blame isn't going to help you. If your boyfriend had disclosed that one partner, would it have really have made a difference back when you first decided to have sex with him? You couldn't have known this was going to happen to you, the same way HE couldn't have known. Most people who have HPV are a-symptomatic. When they do pap tests, they are looking for abnormal cells like genital warts, pre-cancerous and cancerous cells. They are not looking for the virus itself. You may have even gotten it from another partner long ago and not developed symptoms. This virus is so common that 1 in 4 Americans have it. That's 20 million people and only 30 virus strains - it's not a surprise that the other woman has the same kind.
If your BF had it, and didn't tell you, then it's a different story. But if you are bent on indicting him for this, when you yourself say that you cannot trace it back to him, then be prepared to lose him too. Nobody wants to be made a scapegoat for something that happened by chance.
http://www.cdc.gov/std/HPV/STDFact-HPV.htm
Hi there. I am currently dealing with HPV, the strain that most often turns into cervical cancer. I have had two biopsies and (thankfully) it hasn't advanced to cancerous cells and we're waiting for it to clear up on its own.
I was mortified when I was diagnosed because I was always super careful about safe sex. Here's the thing about HPV - (as another poster wrote) - it can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact so you don't even actually have to have sex to contract it. Also, there is no test that can determine if men carry it or not AND (here's the kicker) they are usually completely asymptomatic. The only diagnosis is when a pap smear comes back with abnormal cells. Many people have it, never know it and never show symptoms. That is why it is called the "silent" std. I guess I'm saying don't be too hard on him for not knowing if he does have it.
Now, the lying? You can nail him to the wall for that. He needs to understand that lying is a deal breaker for you. You won't be able to trust him again overnight, but with counseling and some very deep heart to heart conversations, you can find out if you both agree on what is or isn't acceptable with lying and lying by ommission.
We have started to see a counsoler. My main thing is that he lied and then he lied again. I always believe that trust is the foundation of a relationship and that is what helps you get through the hard times. I think he understands what is at stake here.
He made a mistake and it was in the past. He was afraid to tell you aout her, because he loved you and didn't want to lose you. Yes, it was a mistake, and unfortunately it had rough consequences, but it was in the past. He hasn't done lied in any other way. He clearly loves you. He is a wonderful boyfriend. If you do not see any other lies or reasons not to trust him, I would not hold this against him and let it taint the entire relationship. I can understand how disturbing it must be to have HPV, but that has already happened. Breaking up with him will not change that. If you do not find any other reasons not to trust him, and you do love him and he is so wonderful and trying so hard then I believe you should forgive him. Forgiveness is a strong basis of Chrisitanity and as you say you go to church with him now, then it would be a good idea to practice in everyway and forgive the past and go forward together bravely.
Best wishes with everything,
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I have HPV too, but never bothered to find out the exact strain. I have had a biopsy and two LEEP procedures and have had clean paps for 7 years. I couldn't care less how I got it, I just want to make sure I am up to date on my paps.
Anyway, I freaked out when I found out 10 years ago out of fear of my health, not freaked on anyone. My doc even back then said unless you are a virgin, you have been exposed. She said unless both partners are virgins, one has most certainly been exposed and it could takes years to show up and that women most often show signs as in paps and men most often never do. I know you are upset, but by having protected sex longer with him would not have changed the outcome. Most likely you already had it in your system or even if you did not, sex with a condom on would not have protected you 100%. Seriously, do you believe you really would have taken other procautions? Like what? I am curious what you think would have worked to prevent something. Waiting to have protected sex longer is great, however when things can lay dormaint in your system, waiting would not have made any difference whatsoever. "I wished I would had know so I could have protected myself better" - again, how? You were having sex so you were already at risk. I feel for you, don't get me wrong, and he should not have lied, but again, if you were not a virgin, you were most likely already exposed so I suggest making a choice to forgive him for lying and LET IT GO FULLY so you can move forward, or break it off now because you will resent him and not let it go.
Hi dragonfly, it's important for you to know that condoms don't protect against HPV.
You could have gotten it years before and still had a normal pap. Sometimes it takes awhile for the infection to rear its ugly head.
Chick