I am thinking this really has nothing to do with the tattoo and everything to do with your husband wanting to control you and your actions. You said you have been dealing with this your whole marriage. Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you to help resolve his control issues? I would imagine since he was really getting to be in control after the death of your father that he is having an even harder time with you trying to take some control back now.
....."All kinds of people can tell you "It's your body," and it IS and you have every right to do with it as you see fit, at the same time, I don't believe it's the tattoo, and I don't believe it's him wanting to control you. I DO believe it's about you not showing respect and consideration to your relationship as husband and wife by at least telling him ahead of time what you were about to do.".....
I don't walk in this woman's shoes. I won't pretend to know the bonds between a husband and wife of about ~20 years, but what I can guess is that the whole situation between THESE two people would have gone over a whole lot better if she'd discussed it upfront with her husband, TELLING him, read that correctly, TELLING him, NOT asking him, what she was going to do with her body. Her body. The one he's found pleasure and solace in for the last oh, 20 or so years. So don't say it doesn't affect him in any way, it does.
Thing is, she's not been the type of person to just do whatever she wanted in all those 20 years with him. Maybe your Mom is. I know for a fact my Mom doesn't take crap from anyone, but she would still respect my dad enough to let him know, "Hey, this is what I'm gonna do." To do that takes absolutely NOTHING away from her worth as a woman, or her power as an individual. It does, however, show utmost respect. At least in my eyes.
So as a single woman, I can only guess that a more subtle approach might have worked better with her husband, *because* of the dynamic that she herself has helped to nurture all these years. This kind of stuff doesn't change overnight, and to try and do so, well, you see the shock that has gone into the relationship now.
She did attempt to call him, but if I remember her correctly, she did get a hold of him and just did not tell him because why? She "knew" he wouldn't approve. To that I say, so what he wouldn't approve? It is still her body and again, I wasn't suggesting she ask, I was suggesting she should have informed. She CHOSE not to and lay it on him after the fact. Well, every choice does have a consequence, and in *her* relationship, this is it. Doesn't fit into my world, but that's not the point, is it?
Everyone's relationship is different. I'll be damned if I ever ask anyone for permission for anything, that is not how my mother raised me, but if I'm gonna be spending 20-something years with someone, you better believe I would be discussing things like this with them, as a grown-ass woman, and I would appreciate the same respect shown to me back. And that IS how my mother raised me.
It's pretty useless to wonder what your current husband of 20 years would say if you'd done the same thing because as I stated before, everyone's relationship is different. So the answer would be different. Not better, not worse, but indeed different. Mine would be.
Seems as if your husband feels as though he owns your body. However, you have a right to do something that is personal and meaningful to you. You need to find out what he's so angry about? Give him some time to cool off and try to get some communication going. It will be best if you can just listen while he expresses what it is that is bothering him so. What does this mean to him? Is he troubled by your connection with your father? What's really going on here? Give it time and help him to get a handle on it as he talks to you. Don't defend yourself or stir up more upset, just allow him to get it off his chest.Clearly there are other issues here that this is ticking off. Find out what they are and work them out.
It's very unfortunate that your husband feels he has the right to chastise you, argue with you, and treat you poorly because you made a decision that affects only you.
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I disagree that any person needs to consult anyone about ANY decision that affects their OWN body and no one else, unless they choose to.
I reiterate:
....."All kinds of people can tell you "It's your body," and it IS and you have every right to do with it as you see fit, at the same time, I don't believe it's the tattoo, and I don't believe it's him wanting to control you. I DO believe it's about you not showing respect and consideration to your relationship as husband and wife by at least telling him ahead of time what you were about to do.".....
I don't walk in this woman's shoes. I won't pretend to know the bonds between a husband and wife of about ~20 years, but what I can guess is that the whole situation between THESE two people would have gone over a whole lot better if she'd discussed it upfront with her husband, TELLING him, read that correctly, TELLING him, NOT asking him, what she was going to do with her body. Her body. The one he's found pleasure and solace in for the last oh, 20 or so years. So don't say it doesn't affect him in any way, it does.
Thing is, she's not been the type of person to just do whatever she wanted in all those 20 years with him. Maybe your Mom is. I know for a fact my Mom doesn't take crap from anyone, but she would still respect my dad enough to let him know, "Hey, this is what I'm gonna do." To do that takes absolutely NOTHING away from her worth as a woman, or her power as an individual. It does, however, show utmost respect. At least in my eyes.
So as a single woman, I can only guess that a more subtle approach might have worked better with her husband, *because* of the dynamic that she herself has helped to nurture all these years. This kind of stuff doesn't change overnight, and to try and do so, well, you see the shock that has gone into the relationship now.
She did attempt to call him, but if I remember her correctly, she did get a hold of him and just did not tell him because why? She "knew" he wouldn't approve. To that I say, so what he wouldn't approve? It is still her body and again, I wasn't suggesting she ask, I was suggesting she should have informed. She CHOSE not to and lay it on him after the fact. Well, every choice does have a consequence, and in *her* relationship, this is it. Doesn't fit into my world, but that's not the point, is it?
Everyone's relationship is different. I'll be damned if I ever ask anyone for permission for anything, that is not how my mother raised me, but if I'm gonna be spending 20-something years with someone, you better believe I would be discussing things like this with them, as a grown-ass woman, and I would appreciate the same respect shown to me back. And that IS how my mother raised me.
It's pretty useless to wonder what your current husband of 20 years would say if you'd done the same thing because as I stated before, everyone's relationship is different. So the answer would be different. Not better, not worse, but indeed different. Mine would be.
Have a great evening :)
Thanks for everyones input.
Seems as if your husband feels as though he owns your body. However, you have a right to do something that is personal and meaningful to you. You need to find out what he's so angry about? Give him some time to cool off and try to get some communication going. It will be best if you can just listen while he expresses what it is that is bothering him so. What does this mean to him? Is he troubled by your connection with your father? What's really going on here? Give it time and help him to get a handle on it as he talks to you. Don't defend yourself or stir up more upset, just allow him to get it off his chest.Clearly there are other issues here that this is ticking off. Find out what they are and work them out.
Best wishes,
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It's very unfortunate that your husband feels he has the right to chastise you, argue with you, and treat you poorly because you made a decision that affects only you.
So, did you know your husband's attitude about tattoos before you got it?
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