Hubby not interested

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Hubby not interested
8
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:52pm
My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years. I'm 22 and he's 24, we have 2 amazing children together. For maybe a year or so now, our relationship has been going down hill. We dont talk or discuss important things, it seems that the only words we exchange is during an argument. We dont have sex, and most of the time, he sleeps on the couch. I try asking him in a non-confrontational way as to why he doesnt want to be intimate, he just says he's "not interested in sex anymore" (his own words) He has said several times in the past few months, that if he could financially afford it, he would have already moved out. He doesnt take an interest in our marriage anymore, and especially with the kids as well. He seems so distant from everything except his "buddies" and he always seems to have time for them. I love him dearly, he was my first true love and we've been through alot together. I'm just not really sure what else to do to understand whats going on with him. Any ideas or suggestions from anyone would be greatly appreciated. PLEASE HELP, I want to save my marriage!!!


Edited 8/2/2004 4:06 pm ET ET by imallsmiles
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 6:45pm
You know I was going through this before my fiance left me.

But I have to ask you some key questions here, like for one: after you had your children was there a PHYSICAL change in your body? With 2 kids do you two have any QUIET time for eachother? and at 24 years old, married with 2 kids have you thought that maybe it is just too much responsibility too soon?

It is nobody's fault what is going on it is just that you are both very young and I am sensing that maybe he is just a little immature.

Every now and then have someone stay with your kids, like let them sleep over a friends house, and without your husband knowing, flick on a few candles, throw on something sexy, get a bottle of inexpensive wine, play some music and show him that Mommy has time for Daddy.

It is so important for us as women to go that extra mile to take care of our husbands, because we get so involved in that Mommy role, and only when we get lonely do we realise the effects that motherhood has on the intimate relation between us and our husbands.

Every now and then write him a steamy letter and put it in his wallet, car or lunch box, explaining to him ( in detail) what you would like to do to him, when and where. You have to get the excitement back into your relationship, because when things become a routine, they get boring.

And no offence to men at all, but in a way they are like kids, when they bored with a toy, they just set it aside because it is a routine. Make it interesting, and sometimes try roleplaying, one night be a french maid, another a sexy sedductrice, and one night be his sex slave.

Don't give up without trying a few new tricks. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. My prayers are with you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:08pm
Thank u for the reply. Actually, yes my physical appearance did change....I had a c-section with both of them, and gained a little extra weight, but I have sucessfully lost several pounds (20 to be exact..lol) and still losing. Though he has nothing to complain about in that area, he has gained around 100lbs in the 6 years we've been together :)

As for quiet time, rarely have quiet time...i'm a little overprotective and despise the thought of letting them stay with anyone, BUT, I have put forth the suggestion to him, he says If thats what I want go for it, but its "not gonna change anything"

I totally agree men are like kids in some ways, (no offense men) but I married him to be a partner and a spouse. I already have 2 kids to take care of, not a third. If he wants to be treated like another kid, he can go back home and let his mommy pamper his butt...not his wife. I have alot of work to do being a full time mom to a 2 and 3 yr old, not to a 24 yr old too. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. And if he doesnt, I'm at a loss as to what to do. Do i stay and continue to be unhappy, or do I make him leave and work on establishing a life for my kids and I without him and moving on? I'm clueless.

Anyway, thanks for ur input....I'd still love to hear more :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 12:53am
It sounds like he is depressed. Maybe it's just from hanging around his friends who have totally different lifestyles- you know, sleeping in, playing playstation, dating hot women, college, etc. Basically the no responsibility thing. He may LOVE his life, but every now and then we all think about 'what might have been' and focus on that too much.

Maybe he is feeling insecure about his own body. Maybe he has some physical change of his own that he is too embarrassed to mention. That might even be a source of his weight gain. Let him know he can tell you anything and you won't judge him, get angry or resentful. I have to beg and beg and then hold my tongue for what seems like eternity to get my DH to tell me what's bothering him. He never thinks he will, but he feels better when he tells me what's wrong and the world doesn't stop spinning, lol.

I would definitely encourage you to trust someone with the kids for an evening (could your sister, or parents come to the house at dinnertime and stay the evening?). Let the babysitter come while you are fixing dinner (then you know what they are getting, that they are getting fed, etc)and then about all the sitter has to do is put the kids in bed and SO WHAT if they stay up late, they'll survive. Plan it in advance so you can both look forward to a night out alone together. Do something not too fancy, like dinner and a movie, go to the fair, or hang out at the mall, whatever childless 24 yr olds do-don't go clubbing if that is something he hates. Go with another couple if that makes it a little easier the first time. And don't mention the kids the entire time!!

It will probably be harder on you because you are nervous leaving the kids. Since you plan it in advance, you can spend the week telling them about the adventure they'll have when so and so comes to stay with them for the evening! As long as you talk it up, they'll be excited, and face it, all kids love to be focused on and adored, which grandma/auntie will do. I totally hate leaving my kids at my inlaws, but don't mind if they come to my house where it is safe, clean and familiar. It will be good for the kids to have a break from you too! They will learn they can survive and have fun and even if mom goes away, she'll come back/be back by morning to hear all about their adventures the night before.

Don't push for the sex; at the end of the date, make one sexy kiss the goal. He is signalling that he can't handle sex right now for whatever reason; respect that. If he wants to lay on the couch and watch TV after you get home, try cuddling there with him, or give him space if that's what he needs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:20am
The going on a "date" thing sounds like a great idea, but I cant make him go. I actually tried to suggest it last night after he got home from work, he just laughed and said we're just wasting time trying to fight a losing battle, meaning i'm trying to save our marriage, but the truth of the matter is, its probably not going to happen. Thats his opinion. Thanks a bunch though. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:15pm

i am so sorry for your pain.... honey - i don't know "what" is wrong with your husband, or your marriage. I don't know if *this* is the way it always was, or is he going thru something *new*. but the fact is that you are allowing your husband to control your life - your marriage, your sex life.


<<>> what is that supposed to mean? tell your husband to either get into therapy (together, and individually) or YOU make some changes. I understand that you want to save your marriage- but it doesn't sound like you even *have* a marriage...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:03pm
Hey imallsmiles,

I could simpathize with your ordeal. I was married same amount of time but no kids. Sorry to say but not a good sign. I also tried not to create arguments, barely talked about anything, hardly no sex, he would leave the weekends, leaving me at home. One day I went to a club and found him there. Imagine my surprise? Thats when I decided it was time to hit the road. Girl I know what you going through. Try to get him into counseling if you can. I know its hard but ask him if hes willing to do it. Sadly to say mine refused all the way. You might still be early to get him back on track. Just make sure that he's not interest is just temporary and not that it might involve some other woman. I hope you make it and hope all goes well for you in the end. keep me posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:05pm
Barbarella:

How did you get through it? I mean to leave him- I am about to take that step and I am so scared..

imallsmiles:

Sweety, I also know what you are going through, I do hope that your problems are fixed, it just seems so unfair that we try so hard, and they do not. I do not know about you, but I seem happier when he is not even there to hurt me- I guess both of us have to make some hard decisions.

My prayers are with you

TearyAngel


Edited 8/3/2004 5:07 pm ET ET by tearyangel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 6:30pm
I understand where ur coming from tearyangel...i feel so relaxed and peaceful alot of times when he's not here also. I wish you luck and u'll also be in my thoughts and prayers. I've considered it too and it scares the hell out of me. take care!!