hubby too close to female cousin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
hubby too close to female cousin
1
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 12:55pm
Recently, me and my husband of 21 years attended a funeral for his first cousin who died of cancer at only 54 years old. We are 40 and 41, so that was pretty uncomfortable to us. At that funeral, my husband saw "Anne", 44, for the first time in 30 years. Anne is his first cousin too, younger sister of the deceased. She is an incredibly attractive woman, very petite, wonderful personality. She was like a sister to my husband growing up, and they shared an incredibly devastating event together at the age of 10 and 14: her mother was shot and killed by her father while my husband, Anne, and several other kids were at the house. They were very close, he tells me, and he has missed her from time to time over the years and wondered whatever happened to her after he moved away. Now she lives in another state, and is married to a successful man and has one child the age of our youngest son, 7.

At the funeral in November, Anne barely spoke to my husband. She was devastated over the loss of her brother, understandably. But my husband was so hurt that she apparently didn't even remember him that he talked about it frequently. Then, last week, we got a call that another cousin, 52 year old brother in the same family, had died as well of cancer. We attended that funeral, and Anne had flown in alone this time. While I am not typically a jealous person, Anne was quite different this time. She ran to my husband and hugged and kissed him on the cheek, talked to him non-stop, and each time they parted, 10 minutes later as he would walk by, she would grab his arm and hold his hands and hug him again. She stood very close, touching his body with hers, and there was such a chemistry going on that other people in the room began to stare. I moved away socially to give them room to talk without feeling hindered by my presence (she seemed much more animated and talkative when I was not standing there), and I was respectful of the fact that they were once very close and shared a lot of history together.

The thing that bothered me most, however, was his reactions. My husband has never been a touchy kind of person, hugging or kissing anyone, even me when we were dating. He's loving in the bedroom, but isn't comfortable displaying his emotions in public. He's also a very handsome man, and women feel comfortable around him quickly, so I've gotten used to the attention he receives. But I've never seen him look so happy, so alive, so genuinely enjoying another person so completely! I became jealous, not of her, but of the fact that I have never evoked such warm and tender feelings from him myself. I said nothing, but it has really bothered me. I'm having dreams about it, and I feel threatened in some way. I'm confused about how I should feel. My sister in law noticed the same thing going on between them. It was an incredible amount of chemistry, as if no one else was in the room, just the two of them, holding one another, totally enwrapped in each other's every word, staring in each other's eyes. I want that kind of chemistry with him, and I work at keeping our relationship fresh and exciting, planning little get-aways and romantic nights alone at home. I don't bombard or nag.

We went to marriage counselling 2 years ago because he said he was just tired of me and the kids and needed to leave. I didn't suspect another woman, and I still don't. He was going through some type of midlife crisis, and counselling was very productive for us both. We are seemingly happy now. But now this . . .

He seems more nostalgic than ever, talking a lot about before having family responsibilities, and wanting to go to her house on vacation (with us) to stay. He even told me he would probably stay up all night talking to her and that it might make me mad. I told him I understood the need to catch up, to bond with her, to reminisce, and I'd give him all the room he needed.

I still can't help feeling threatened by this woman. Just because they're cousins doesn't stop some people from doing things they shouldn't. I know that sounds crazy or insecure, but I'm going on some history here. I also know that we just passed a very delicate stage in our relationship, and he has said many times that our years together have been hard on him and he has very little fond memories of our marriage. I asked him to try to step out that frame of mind and see me more as a friend and lover, rather than just a mother and wife. I suggested we go to the beach, or just away somewhere. He doesn't seem that interested. I know it's a passing phase, but I fear that this woman has tapped into some deeply suppressed desire to break free, to just leave everything we have behind. Not to have an affair with her, but just to be "there" again.

I'm confused and afraid. I don't know what to think. Should I worry? Should I encourage, or at least not discourage the relationship with her? Should we visit her home, and stay with her? Should I try to become involved in the conversations from a listening standpoint, or totally not participate at all? I worry if I just sit there, he will think I hindered their freedom to fully reminisce. I worry that if I don't, he will say that I was rude and didn't care about him. I just don't know what to think, or how to react here. Thanks just for listening, at least.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 6:06pm
sad that he isn't interesting in being your friend and you his.

I hope someone else has some good advice for you.


Carrie